AITAH for refusing to pay my mother's loans even though I feel guilty about it?
AITA for refusing to pay my mother's loans even though I feel guilty about it?
I (29F) grew up in extreme poverty in a very unstable and abusive household. My parents were construction workers, my father was alcoholic and abusive and my mother was an enabler, and my childhood was filled with trauma, neglect, and constant financial problems. Despite that environment, I worked hard, finished college with a lot of difficulty, got a job, and eventually became the financially stable person in the family.
Over the years, I’ve helped my family financially as much as I could. I paid debts, rented a better house for them, bought health insurance for my parents, covered emergency medical expenses, and still pay monthly rent and groceries for them.
Recently, my mother became seriously ill and was admitted to the MICU due to an infection. I paid for the ambulance and insurance expenses. My twin sister is currently taking care of her physically at home, but she is unemployed right now after quitting her job because of anxiety and mental health issues. She had been staying at home for months expecting our 60 year old mother to take care of her. My older sister is mostly uninvolved and doesn’t really help.
Before my mother’s hospitalization, I had already been frustrated because I sent her a fairly large amount of money for bills and asked her to rest instead of going to work. She spent the money within two days and still went back to work anyway. After that, I emotionally pulled back and stopped sending large amounts of money over the past few months apart from rent. Now I feel guilty about that because she later became seriously sick.
The main issue is that my mother has a history of taking loans without properly telling me. A few years ago, I was already paying off one of her loans, but she secretly took another loan for my sisters after I clearly said no. She expected me to pay that too. When I refused, she stopped talking to me for a long time.
After this recent hospitalization, I initially thought I could help pay off her loan after discharge. But then I found out she actually has three different loans, which would leave me paying them for years. I already live in another city, support them financially, and manage a full time job while dealing with PTSD and ASD. Also I'm married and have two cats.
Now my mother is threatening to return to work within a month even though the doctor clearly told her to take at least three months of rest. Everyone is acting like I betrayed them because I said I cannot take responsibility for more loans and house construction costs.
I even suggested that my mother, twin sister, and her fiance move closer to a city where hospitals and jobs are nearby, and I offered to continue paying the rent there, but they rejected the idea.
I do care about my mother and understand my responsibilities. However, my mother only expects things from me. She is building the house, and the land will go to my twin sister, but she's expecting money from me to build the house. I feel like I'm being used, and I'm feeling confused and guilty.