u/Angelaa103i1

Hii. It will be a long chaotic text but it's mostly to vent too :((

I'm 21 yo and I got my first job ever at gaz station. It has been 4 months i work there. I have a contract for a weekend every two weeks. In the beggining it was REALLY hard for me to learn in disorganisation, cash machine, all the tasks, lotery, safe deposit box etc etc.. and in front of the client i looked so dumb bcs i must had learnt everything in front of them and im afraid i made them feel pity for me. And it took so much long to learn all that.

Before that, i worked like 1 month at mcdonalds and then I left bcs this was too much for me and the manager she was harsh, but the chief he regretted me and told me i worked well and i could come if i wanted to.

So now it has been 4 months im working there at gaz station and even though im studying the week, the chief has been calling me a lot to work the week bcs the company fired some employees. And I accepted and helped a lot the week. I work only the afternoons but i did some mornings in the week, and the mornings are chaotic because there are like 5 coworkers, when in the afternoon we are two.

My coworker made a remark he told me I didn't take enough initatives and that i must ask the right questions to be more autonomous. It hurt me because i thought we were working well and i was very communicative and the only task i did not do was the one i didnt know existed before. And so I talked less and tried to do the work "better" and the next time he told me i was "awakened" more than the last time and it also hurt me but at least i was "doing better" even though i became less communicative.

The chief then called me again to work monday morning after 2 weeks and I said yes. I watched like 8 times the schedule and it was green colored for monday and green meaned it was the morning. But because my schedule was always red at the weekend (for the evenings) i dont know how my brain thought that green meaned "the days of the week without the weekend" and so i knew it was the morning but at the day before monday, i watched the schedule and thought it was the evening (bcs green is the week but it would mean evening too) and so I slept, and at 5am i see my chief is calling me and i realise, i panick and i tell her i confused schedules and that i wouldnt do that again. And so i woke up fast, and it was the first time it happened to me ever, my foot slipped on the stairs and I landed on my butt first, then slid forward till the middle of the stairs and ended up bruising my stomach, my arms, and my left leg like very bad bruises (i realised after i came from work the bruises i had, but i cant show any pics here) but suprisely i didnt feel any hurt so i stand up and went to work.

I calmed then because i was telling myself i accepted to work so much the week, i did so much additional help and was flexible so she would forgive me.

And there i felt a bit nervous because there were the chief with us and i work bit less efficently when i feel observed but it seems i worked pretty well even though i was observing what the chief was teaching the newbie girl, it seems she was more comfortable with this girl than me because she was explaining things to her i didnt even know so i listened too. And after that i told the chief what to help with or what i was doing, because we were a lot and i dont do many mornings, i did maybe 5, she told me what to do and I did and she explained to me something but like i felt she felt a bit odd like I acted as a newbie but for me i acted like a "collaborative" person. I did the tasks she told me and I could do other things but i felt a bit off because Im not as efficient when i feel observed. And at the end before i go, she told me: "there will be lots of people this weekend, i want you to be efficient with your coworker." And i felt a bit odd like it seems i worked pretty well with him so i didnt get why she told me that but maybe its just she wants to be assured everything would be alright bcs its the summer soon. So i told her yeah we would be efficient.

And i go and this evening, i receive a message from my coworker he tells me that the chief asked him how is was going on with me because she found me not autonomous and that coworkers must count on me etc.. that i must be more dynamic. And it really broke me because i thought i was doing enough because i did the right tasks, i was just being shy because the chief was with us but i did all the important tasks and the priority ones.

And so now im under my blanket i was crying and i cant sleep because i feel really insecure and i don't know what to think or what to do about it :((

It's just a student job and still they want to fire me. I know an adhd guy was there for one year before, and a coworker told me he was fired but that she must have told him because the chief felt bad to tell him that. And so i feel it would happens the same to me as for me its only 4 months i work there

I just need reassurance and clarifications of everything :((

Hii its the night for me, im bored i cant sleep. Dm me if you want but like do a paragraph about how you are

Im so hypocondriac and at random moments I just start to cry of disgust of feeling my stitched gum like EEEH i swear in 2 days I only slept 3 hours and I can't sleep im afraid of feeling my wound Im afraid to even drink. I only ate nature yogourt for my medications but i swear if i could stay without eating or drinking nothing it would be paradise. and i will eat that for 1 week + i think bcs im really paranoid and its the first time i cry that randomly?? 😭😭😭 im a binge eater but since this operation if i could i would stay 1 month no eat. I ate 1 mini yaourt per day. Im not even brushing my teeths thats why i dont eat any sugar. Thats so exhausting. I wake up at nights to take medications and so i dont sleep. It is 1am and i must take one med at 2am and then at 6am i must eat yaourt and taking the meds. My family telling me my eyesbag are black. I feel drainedddd, never imagined one teeth would make destroy so much.

I'm here to say how I function, doesn't mean that I am right, but I exist and I'm just sharing my brains feelings.

Firstly I'm a girl. But I don't feel attachment to girls as I do to men, exept if I'm innerly attached to her like my only two girl cousins.

When I look at Epstein files, I don't feel anything towards little girls even though I know they must have suffer. But I cannot read anything towards boys because I'm very sensitive towards men.

I cannot even read famous depressive philosophers books like Kafka, because I would cry as I read the first sentences when usually I never cry. But it is so interesting to read but I can't read without crying and my eyes blurred blocks me reading + I feel a big sad void that makes me horrible because I can't do anything to him so reading is useless.

I feel an abnormal strong savior instinct towards men and that I can't be present for them makes it unbearable to me.

I CANNOT bear hearing a man being raped, it is unbearable to me and I always try to avoid those thematics when i cannot do anything about it.

I know men are responsible for most of the suffering of the world ( it's another debate) but still I can't really apprehend girls, it is like I don't have a plan and also don't have a plan to how to feel towards them.

For exemple when I saw that Anne Frank wrote that she would cry longing for a girl, I really cannot imagine it. Like I cannot comprehend gay men even though I know it's biological, but girls that like girls REALLY confuses me.

And also, if a man is mean to me, I cannot be mad at him (mostly among young men, I love my young men) like I have such a strong maternal instinct towards him, like my brain is wired in a way to sooth him and usually he softens.

Usually I quickly can filter men and analyse their bond with me so I NEVER have problem with bonding with men and the few I don't bond, I ignore them.

But girls I CAN'T filter them. I always have bad impressions of them at first glance and even talking to them I feel uncomfortable and I cannot filter to differenciate if this girl sweets me more than the other. So bonding with girls is like searching the one piece.

And I think studies say that girls have the same brain as a man, only difference is testosterone, but I really can't see a similar brain I'm sorry. I try to so bad but I really can't comprehend it.