u/Amyell_Med

After being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder 2, I reflected that I don’t want to live this kind of life where I have to spend most of my life trying to fix the problems caused by other people while they get to live their lives happily and as they please. I thought about it carefully I kept asking myself what quality of life do can I have in the future if I were to choose to keep on going. Turns out I don’t really have any “why’s” to push through in fighting this mental disorder.

I spent most of my childhood being verbally and physically abused by my parents and family, which then led me to develop my personality disorders. I kept seeking for their love and attention to the extent I had spent most of my childhood and adolescent years in trying to be academically excellent just so I could somehow get an ounce of attention from them. My psychiatrist said that throughout the years I had convinced myself that I am resilient and capable of being alone, and what I did not realize is that I had spent most of my life proving to people what my worth is in hopes that somehow would finally stay and will give the attention and love that I had longed for.

At the age of 19, I met a guy who finally loved and accepted me as a I am. For once in my life, I thought I had seen a light at the end of a tunnel, that somehow after all that I had went through I would finally get to experience what love and happiness means. Me and my ex partner were only able to last for a year and throughout that year that’s when my BPD symptoms started to show up. My brain always try to find reasons I would get abandoned and I would experience paranoia all the time that it got to a point where I became controlling and had always used my tumultuous family life as a reason that led me to such actions.

No matter how many times my close friends to me that I wouldn’t had known it was an underlying mental illness I really can’t stop splitting towards myself for how I acted. I never got to have any closure between us because after our breakup, I tried to compose myself few months after the break up, I was trying to hold on not until my mother had became verbally abusive again which drove me to slit my thighs out of hate towards myself, which then prompted her to finally help get me professional help.

What I really hate the most right now is that all of this could have been avoided if only people around me were more kinder. I would probably had better chances with my ex partner if only I got to have a proper upbringing. A year has passed after breakup my brain keeps repeating and I also kept on dreaming the things I did to my ex partner back then, the actions that I was willing to take just to not get abandoned.

Now that I am finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder 2, I had realize that even if I persevered in trying to fix myself, I still don’t have anything to look forward to in the future, I had also come to realize that my quality of life is not something I am willing to stay for. Now I am even more scared to connect with other people out of fear of hurting them, I can’t even tolerate being in crowded places without panicking which makes me unable to hangout and enjoy with my friends. I had also grown tired of being alone and having to go through all this when I should not have in the first place. Lastly, I am being consumed by guilt and remorse for a long time now about what happened between me and my ex partner. I kept thinking to myself that if I had known it would lead to this I wouldn’t have dated him in the first place.

So now even my psychiatrist is trying so hard to pry into every nooks and crannies in hopes that we could find a reason convincing enough to stay. The only identity I have left right now is I am nursing student and my psychiatrist saw how much I excel being in one and kept convincing me that being in a prestige nursing school and that is something. Truth be told, I don’t really think it is enough of a reason for me given how tired I am from dealing with all of these at a young age. I don’t really know if I want to be part in any of all this. Is it bad that I finally found peace in giving up and offing myself because I know that being unalive outweighs the quality of life I have right now ?

After being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder 2, I reflected that I don’t want to live this kind of life where I have to spend most of my life trying to fix the problems caused by other people while they get to live their lives happily and as they please. I thought about it carefully I kept asking myself what quality of life do can I have in the future if I were to choose to keep on going. Turns out I don’t really have any “why’s” to push through in fighting this mental disorder.

I spent most of my childhood being verbally and physically abused by my parents and family, which then led me to develop my personality disorders. I kept seeking for their love and attention to the extent I had spent most of my childhood and adolescent years in trying to be academically excellent just so I could somehow get an ounce of attention from them. My psychiatrist said that throughout the years I had convinced myself that I am resilient and capable of being alone, and what I did not realize is that I had spent most of my life proving to people what my worth is in hopes that somehow would finally stay and will give the attention and love that I had longed for.

At the age of 19, I met a guy who finally loved and accepted me as a I am. For once in my life, I thought I had seen a light at the end of a tunnel, that somehow after all that I had went through I would finally get to experience what love and happiness means. Me and my ex partner were only able to last for a year and throughout that year that’s when my BPD symptoms started to show up. My brain always try to find reasons I would get abandoned and I would experience paranoia all the time that it got to a point where I became controlling and had always used my tumultuous family life as a reason that led me to such actions.

No matter how many times my close friends to me that I wouldn’t had known it was an underlying mental illness I really can’t stop splitting towards myself for how I acted. I never got to have any closure between us because after our breakup, I tried to compose myself few months after the break up, I was trying to hold on not until my mother had became verbally abusive again which drove me to slit my thighs out of hate towards myself, which then prompted her to finally help get me professional help.

What I really hate the most right now is that all of this could have been avoided if only people around me were more kinder. I would probably had better chances with my ex partner if only I got to have a proper upbringing. A year has passed after breakup my brain keeps repeating and I also kept on dreaming the things I did to my ex partner back then, the actions that I was willing to take just to not get abandoned.

Now that I am finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder 2, I had realize that even if I persevered in trying to fix myself, I still don’t have anything to look forward to in the future, I had also come to realize that my quality of life is not something I am willing to stay for. Now I am even more scared to connect with other people out of fear of hurting them, I can’t even tolerate being in crowded places without panicking which makes me unable to hangout and enjoy with my friends. I had also grown tired of being alone and having to go through all this when I should not have in the first place. Lastly, I am being consumed by guilt and remorse for a long time now about what happened between me and my ex partner. I kept thinking to myself that if I had known it would lead to this I wouldn’t have dated him in the first place.

So now even my psychiatrist is trying so hard to pry into every nooks and crannies in hopes that we could find a reason convincing enough to stay. The only identity I have left right now is I am nursing student and my psychiatrist saw how much I excel being in one and kept convincing me that being in a prestige nursing school and that is something. Truth be told, I don’t really think it is enough of a reason for me given how tired I am from dealing with all of these at a young age. I don’t really know if I want to be part in any of all this. Is it bad that I finally found peace in giving up and offing myself because I know that being unalive outweighs the quality of life I have right now ?