u/Amortiaa

My parents have been married 37 years. I’m 32F, my mom is 66, and my dad is 67. About 7 years ago my dad cheated on my mom with her best friend and she caught them. They stayed together, but the relationship has been toxic ever since.

A few years later my brother died from an overdose, leaving me as their only child. Around the same time my mom was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis (not alcohol related). Recently she went into heart failure after a bad fall and spent months in the hospital. Doctors weren’t sure she’d survive.

During all of this, my dad developed a serious drinking problem. While my mom was hospitalized he would call or visit just to argue with her. One time he promised to bring her dinner, so she refused the hospital meal, but he never brought food and then yelled at her when she asked where it was. She went hungry that night.

I live 5 hours away, but I took over organizing everything for her discharge: renovating the house for wheelchair access, installing a sit-in tub, setting up nurses, equipment, medications, physio, oxygen, etc. My dad fought me constantly, especially because I wanted her hospital bed in the living room where everything is accessible. He wanted to isolate her in a back bedroom with a walkie talkie “to call him if she needed help.” My mom told me she was scared he’d ignore her if he got mad.

Since she’s been home, I’ve become her full-time caregiver. Nurses come 4 times a day. My dad drinks constantly, tracks mud through the house, leaves messes everywhere, and starts arguments with my mom almost every night. He can’t even get groceries or supplies because he’s been drinking.

I’ve paid for most things. I haven’t been able to work while caring for my mom, yet he still asks me to pay his bills too. He lost my mom’s debit card while she was hospitalized, so she currently has no access to her bank account until I can get her physically into the bank.

The worst incident happened when a PSW was helping prepare my mom’s dinner and my dad walked in drinking beer after being told multiple times alcohol can’t be around patient care. I threw the beer out and he chased me out of the kitchen screaming. The PSW had to physically step between us... I genuinely thought it might escalate.

My mom has apologized to me for enabling him for years and says she’s afraid of him emotionally, especially now that she’s sick and dependent on others. She’s told me she wishes she had left earlier but was scared of losing everything they built together.

I don’t hate my dad, and I know grief and alcohol are a huge part of this, but I honestly think my mom would be safer and healthier away from him at this point. Ive tried getting him help but he refuses and says im the problem. Any advise greatly appreciated.

My parents have been married 37 years. I’m 32F, my mom is 66, and my dad is 67. About 7 years ago my dad cheated on my mom with her best friend and she caught them. They stayed together, but the relationship has been toxic ever since.

A few years later my brother died from an overdose, leaving me as their only child. Around the same time my mom was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis (not alcohol related). Recently she went into heart failure after a bad fall and spent months in the hospital. Doctors weren’t sure she’d survive.

During all of this, my dad developed a serious drinking problem. While my mom was hospitalized he would call or visit just to argue with her. One time he promised to bring her dinner, so she refused the hospital meal, but he never brought food and then yelled at her when she asked where it was. She went hungry that night.

I live 5 hours away, but I took over organizing everything for her discharge: renovating the house for wheelchair access, installing a sit-in tub, setting up nurses, equipment, medications, physio, oxygen, etc. My dad fought me constantly, especially because I wanted her hospital bed in the living room where everything is accessible. He wanted to isolate her in a back bedroom with a walkie talkie “to call him if she needed help.” My mom told me she was scared he’d ignore her if he got mad.

Since she’s been home, I’ve become her full-time caregiver. Nurses come 4 times a day. My dad drinks constantly, tracks mud through the house, leaves messes everywhere, and starts arguments with my mom almost every night. He can’t even get groceries or supplies because he’s been drinking.

I’ve paid for most things. I haven’t been able to work while caring for my mom, yet he still asks me to pay his bills too. He lost my mom’s debit card while she was hospitalized, so she currently has no access to her bank account until I can get her physically into the bank.

The worst incident happened when a PSW was helping prepare my mom’s dinner and my dad walked in drinking beer after being told multiple times alcohol can’t be around patient care. I threw the beer out and he chased me out of the kitchen screaming. The PSW had to physically step between us... I genuinely thought it might escalate.

My mom has apologized to me for enabling him for years and says she’s afraid of him emotionally, especially now that she’s sick and dependent on others. She’s told me she wishes she had left earlier but was scared of losing everything they built together.

I don’t hate my dad, and I know grief and alcohol are a huge part of this, but I honestly think my mom would be safer and healthier away from him at this point. Ive tried getting him help but he refuses and says im the problem. Any advise greatly appreciated.