u/Amishgal — reddlx

I’m posting here because I need advice on invite lists / family drama for wedding planning by actual people who are in the planning process.

Alright, long post, I'm ready for the judgment.

My fiancé has a long history of people pleasing with his divorced parents, placating them at the expense of our plans / relationships. He has gotten better with this but we have had serious discussions regarding this behavior as we get closer to the wedding. Basically, I asked him to stop playing referee between his parents, and he said he agrees. However, I felt like a hypocrite because I do that with my grandparents. My grandmother and grandfather divorced in 1990. Since then they have not seen or spoken about each other. I (26f), my sister, and cousins have been trained since we could talk that we also do not mention either grandparent in front of the other nor have them attend any of the same events (picking and choosing which grandparents to invite to birthdays, graduations, etc). For my wedding and because of the conversations with my fiancé, I have decided I am not picking between them, I'll invite them both and if they want to come, they can, if they don't feel they can be around the other person, they don't have to come... so here's the problem, after I told my grandmother this, she ignored me for several weeks and then asked me over to have a chat. She then spent 2 hours describing the emotional abuse she faced from my grandfather. There was mention of some physical abuse (all reliably debunked by my mother and uncle, her kids). She said to me "I thought you were smarter and better than to push an abuser and their victim together" and here is the thing, i am. With that said, I have had 26 years now of a very loving and caring relationship with my grandfather, and so has my sister and our cousins. I do not want to disinvite him from my wedding. I feel this is my day about *my* relationships with people. I have offered my grandmother options (hiring security, keeping her on a balcony out of sight) and I have not once held it against her for not wanting to be there. I feel like shit because half of me is like, well I do know better, and the other half is very concerned my grandmother is spinning stories (she has a history of being manipulative, over paranoid, controlling) just to get me to disinvite him for different reasons. Please give me the honest truth, what would you do in this situation?