u/Ambystoma_texanum

Long story short, I am really struggling with my mental health. My chicks are getting really big now, and with my mental health being so bad, and the constant flare ups in my physical health from the weather, I havent been able to build their coop or give them much attention. Im feeling incredibly discouraged and I just want to give up. They are due to be introduced outside basically any day, and I dont have anything. I tried to get it done without help, but I physically couldnt and so im incredibly behind.

Plus, I am terrified because after we had started raising them, I have seen a mink in the area and I am scared they will be killed and I dont know what to do

Im 20, kinda nonbinary but idk. Im autistic and have bpd. Late last month my coworker committed suicide. I regularly struggling with thoughts of harming myself or really anything bad and since she committed I can't fucking get out of my head. Ive started self harming again, and im wanting to disengage from everything and basically just rot. I want to hurt myself more, but I dont want my girlfriend to be worried about me. I dont know what to do. I havent felt this bad since 8th grade and it took me years to somewhat come back out of my shell. So much has happened to me. Its not even just my coworker killing herself. Its so much. So much has happened to me and I dont understand why these things keep happening to me. I was raped by an old coworker last year. A month after my mom gave birth, I miscarried my own baby at 17, and she doesnt even know. I try so hard to keep myself afloat and happy but everything just keeps crashing down. I want to feel better again. I want to make it, and get married and have a family, but im so scared that one day ill do it. I want to self harm, but how much further will it go? I know the statistics for someone like me, and genuinely dont know what to do. I just feel like im genuinely not meant to be here and I feel like I cant keep going like this forever. Im not usually one to get triggered by stuff, but this whole thing has fucked me up so badly. Seeing how my coworkers would react, seeing how the kids I work with cried, seeing my coworker who was friends with her (who previously said that he didnt understand mental health and whatever) say that he will always answer the phone and be there for us? How the fuck do I cope with that? I just dont know what to do or feel or say at this point. Im so tired of trying when suicide doesnt feel as far away anymore.

I really want to get a leopard tortoise this year, but i need advice. How do I determine if that is the correct species for me? What is their care like? The general run down. I am open to other species, I specifically like that leopard tortoise get a bit larger, but not too crazy large. I will be custom building a large enclosure in my spare room that I use for tattoo practice and have lots of space.