Mourning the person I thought I could be
Hi everyone <3
A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with autism level 1 at 30 years old. For the past two weeks, I’ve been on sick leave from my office job because of burnout, anxiety at work, and depression. Today, I feel like I’m going through something like grief. Grieving who I thought I could be until recently, when I still believed I could live a “normal” life and eventually “catch up” with the people around me with steady partners, houses, families, and stable careers.
I’m very lucky to have some lovely friends, and I’ve shared my diagnosis with a few of them. They all tell me this doesn’t change how they see me. I truly appreciate that, and they’ve been wonderful to talk to, so no shade at all. But I also wish people understood that it has changed how I see myself. All my life, I’ve been pushing through and trying to “better myself,” not in a healthy or productive way, but in a way where I was constantly hard on myself and frustrated for not being “normal.” Now I know that this will probably not happen.
Until quite recently, I always wanted children. It’s not that I don’t want them anymore, but I’m no longer sure it’s a good idea. I get overwhelmed easily, demands from others can be too much, and I really need control over how I spend my time to feel at peace. Because of that, I’m not sure I would be the calm and patient parent that children deserve. Also, autism runs in my family, and several close relatives have struggled with serious mental health issues. A cousin of mine took her own life. It feels likely that I could pass some of this on, and I would never want to put that onto another person.
Right now, I’m just exhausted. I feel like I got pretty far by pushing through for so long. I live on my own, I like the city I’m in, and I have a career in mind that I would love, even if I don’t know yet whether I can get there. But it also feels like the past decades are catching up with me. I know I’m in a relatively good position, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I am lucky. But today I just feel sad, like a big purple cloud is sitting over me.
If anyone else is feeling something similar, you’re not alone. Lots of love <3