u/Altruistic-Brief-717

I don’t think I have it in me to be tactful tonight. People don’t care about you unless you’re on the edge ready to jump off or have a gun to your head.

I’m getting worse but I’m not sure it matters. Maybe I’ve always been this way. What if I don’t remember a time I didn’t have depression in the back of my mind. I don’t own a gun and every tall parking garage has guards. I’m not even sure I want to die, but I can’t keep doing this.

I don’t want to threaten anything to anyone. I’m watching everyone around me and they have something to live for. I wish I wouldn’t wake up. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I can’t talk to anyone because I don’t want to scare them or I don’t want to bore them.

I want to harm myself tonight but I’m trying to go to sleep instead. I know I could make it look like a random scratch. But I’ve been trying to be good and I don’t know how much longer I can hang on to not self harming or just all of this in general.

A few months ago I had the thought that I’m in control and I could never self harm again. It was just a passing thought. In some ways that’s true, I can make that decision. But in the last month the urges have come back strong and it’s almost comical that this was a thought I’d had.

I have external reasons not to self harm, but I’ve been struggling and channeling that energy into other unhealthy things. I’m going on a beach vacation this summer and I cannot have healing or different colored scars. My family thinks I stopped doing this after high school or at the latest, early college. I’m well into my thirties now. I did stop for many years but harmed myself last year.

My SH is not deep. I have shame about it and the scars for a couple reasons. They aren’t deep so I’m weak and/or I’m weak because the scars are there and will always be there.

I feel more passively suicidal than I normally do. Usually I can calm a lot of this with SH, but since I can’t, it’s just in the back of my mind.

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. A parent with cancer and intense work stress (working in education is hard sometimes!) I feel like I’m drowning and there is no way back to the surface.

Anyway, I don’t even know the point of this post. I’m trying to make healthy decisions but I’m at the point of exhaustion where it’s taking a physical toll and somehow the only real coping mechanism I have is SH.