I need to unload a little, but I would also appreciate some advice.
A few months ago, I got on the apps looking only for FWB, as I'm in the city temporarily and recently went through a devastating breakup. I've had multiple FWBs before and *never* caught feelings. However, I am in a high stress situation due to some career changes and family issues going on right now.
Matched with an attractive guy, got to talking. I was mostly neutral and he did most of the chasing. After some decent convo, nothing extraordinary but definitely better than the other chats I had going on, he confessed to being married. No idea why but that sped things up considerably, we sent each other thirst traps that night and met up the next day. We talked for about 2 hours, it was just okay. Then we kissed, and it was magical. We immediately went to a hotel and did the deed. It was, hands down, the best I ever had. I told myself I would be fine if it was a one time thing, and we parted ways.
After that, he traveled for almost a month. He was away from his wife, and messaged me constantly. Went to a bachelor's party, sent me updates throughout. I normally hate sexting and video sex, but here we were doing it like three times a week. Throughout all this, I was still on the apps. Looking for something similar, but someone closer and not married. Kept going on dates and came back disappointed every time. Found another married guy that I actually really clicked with... and got a little bit of insight, if you could call it that. The 2nd guy said his wife was toxic and asexual, they're not even friends and they were sleeping separately. He traveled a lot to get away from her and was always available to talk. I went back to the first guy and asked, do you like your wife as a person? His response was, "of course, I love her." Just that the physical intimacy was rare.
We met when he got back. Great again. But now I had to wait for him to message me. I suggested those apps with the secret folders and messages and he refused. It was then that I started feeling a little off. He remembered every single convo, every little detail, checked in on me, was emotionally supportive, but only when he got moments alone. It was silence and then suddenly, hey I'm alone in the bathroom send a pic. I started doubting myself, if I'm supposed to be asking for more, but wasn't sure exactly what? But I was starting to feel a little used.
The physical frequency wasn't enough for me, and the dates I was going on were getting worse. I did want the nights cuddling, and the cute non-physical moments too, which I couldn't get with him. One day he found out I had slept with someone else, he got mad and then realized he had no right to be and apologized. Met him again, had an amazing time, and as we were about to part I had a fleeting thought - I don't want to see anyone else. The next night I had a terrible date, and two days later I told him. I don't want to be with anyone else, but I will need you to do the soft stuff with me. The cute dates and more cuddling. I didn't expect him to, but he actually agreed.
Then I got to talking with a friend and realized that he's actually been a great fwb. In the sense that there's still a lot of stuff I want to explore in bed, and he's always been down. If we don't like it, we say so. There's trust, communication, and a whole lot of fun. Plus amazing chemistry. It's not always easy to find. We do talk and we laugh. We wanna see the other one happy. I can't explain why he gets me so riled up, I get off on everything he does. I love it when he moans, I love it when he giggles. It feels mind boggling to me that we are so in sync, and yet there isn't going to be anything more than this. (This exact line I said to him, and he agreed) I don't want him to leave his wife for me. I don't want anything serious with him. I do like him as a person, but not thaaat much. If it weren't for the physical, we might not even be close friends. And yet I always find myself waiting for his messages.
Here's where my questions begin, and what's been messing with me lately. Most of our stuff is a bit rough. Every time we meet we do something new or push it a little further, and we're good with that. It seems he's a little into degrading, which I never minded, but I know that I have more of a praise kink. I do want the nasty stuff, but I want my hair stroked after. I want the soft stuff too. He does it, but it's very minimal and I end up waiting too much for those moments. I don't know if it's unfair of me to ask that he up his game. But after the agreement, we didn't talk for a few days. I had a very random, unexpected and unsettling conversation with an astrologer (not a huge believer but was kinda curious) who told me to continue with the guy I'm seeing. Hard to believe the universe would want me to sleep with a married guy?! I felt restless for a full day until he reached out. And it turns out he had also been feeling off since the day before. He goes I've been feeling so guilty and bad about myself. I asked if he wanted to stop or take a break and he said absolutely not. Then we both started confessing random things, and he said his wife does want intimacy, though not often, and it's always only love making. With me there are still more things he wants to do (and they are all degrading things) which his wife would never allow. He did say things like you are a lovely person, and then asked if I would be ready when he needs me. I said that's what's happening right now anyway, I just wait around for when he wants to meet. He seemed sincere when he said there were other restraints like distance and my available timings otherwise he would definitely be willing to meet more often.
I know I got into it knowing he was married, but now I'm confused about everything. Is it unreasonable of me to expect the soft stuff as well, which it seems he preferred to reserve for his wife? Did he only agree because he would otherwise miss out on the kinkier stuff? Did I catch feelings but I'm denying it? The multiple days of silence are really starting to piss me off. But I know if I ended things telling myself I deserve better I'd be devastated. Anyway, we had an expiration date (within a few months) so we both figured we would deal with the separation then. He is very open to communication, but my problem right now is I don't know what to think, or what to tell him or ask him.