New to Reddit and was suggested this group for my situation.
I am really struggling with the emotional roller coaster and just looking to vent or talk to someone that may have gone through something similar- I realize my situation is rare as it played into lack of support for something for my own health.
I discovered my husband had been watching porn the entirety of our marriage (13 years) without me knowing a month and a half ago. Left that weekend and ended up filing for divorce a few weeks after.
To give some background-I found out one other time and when we had talked about it years ago, I just said I wanted to be open about it if the urge to watch came up. The advice I got at the time was don’t shame him, ask if you can watch with him or talk more openly about it. I tried multiple times and he acted disgusted that I would offer such a thing. He acted like porn was horrible and he didn’t rely on it- only watched it a few times while we were long distance and he preferred me over it. he 100% acted like it wasn’t something he was watching often. So I believed him.
Fast forward to earlier this year, I found out he was taking naked photos of me without my consent or knowing. I brought this up in therapy and felt so dismissed (still do even though he admitted it and I found the deleted album with the photos). Still processing this part- he doesn’t see it as a big deal because I did give permission one time in the past.
A few weeks after, I found his Reddit on our shared computer and discovered he was watching porn an insane amount while we were in therapy working on our marriage. The usage increased drastically december-March. It felt like a total betrayal after I tried being open about it with him. He says he promises to never watch it again and going to support groups, he takes full accountability - I so wish I could believe him. I wouldn’t uproot my life for no reason.
The kicker for me is I recently had to have a surgery for a breast reduction due to medical reasons and he was unsupportive for years. He finally came around but it was 3 years of no no no, trying to keep me from doing it. This is the main reason we were in therapy. When I discovered the porn use, he admitted that that had a role in why he didn’t want me to get it. I uncovered a boob fetish and he was obsessing over boob related porn (women with M sized boobs). The fact that he allowed his secret addiction to control something that was causing me pain for so long is what ultimately made me make the decision to leave. I want to believe him that he’s healing and being post surgery all I want is to be cuddling with him watching movies but instead I’m alone in my new apartment- replaying our entire 13 years together and grieving the end of our relationship. Having to sell our home, splitting our pets, it hurts so bad. I wish I had a crystal ball to see if I could trust him again but I feel like I have to have some self respect. He keeps thinking this is something that can continue to be worked on in therapy but I feel like the person I married never existed? Has anyone else felt like that? I feel like he did such a good job at playing this respectful persona and have zero idea how to rebuild trust or if I should. I can see he’s putting in the work to heal but i feel so broken from this. I’m so upset that I miss him so much. I feel like I have the answer that I made the right decision but my brain keeps tricking me and I just have to work through it and vent.