Just trying to put my story into words
I want to start by saying, I am okay. I am safe, i am love and i am happy.
I was born in 2006, according to my mother i was a baby trap because she wanted my father to stay.
My early years were filled to the brim with court dates, angry facebook posts, yelling, fighting, and a lot of manipulation. My earliest memory was probably when my nanna came to help me get my things because i was staying at her house because my parents were fighting, and my father threw a beer bottle at her. she still has the scar.
I developed severe C-PTSD, out of control anxiety, and depression and around this time is when symptoms began to present.
The next biggest memory is when my father got pulled over, he had substances in the car, a weapon, and an unsafe car for a child. I was about 6, i didn't understand my father was a bad person yet.
And probably the biggest came when i was living down town with my mother. my father said he was coming to get me so i could come see my cousins, my mother kept saying no and he wasnt allowed but he did anyways. As we were in the car, he called my family and told them they would never see me again. i cried myself to sleep in my cousins bedroom while she tried to console me, I didn't even know where i was. I found out later i was in London, i still cant go there and its been 13 years.
I went to live with my grandparents after this, cause we lost the house and they were fighting for full custody. I had to appear in front of a mediator and tell them exactly what i faced at home. I told her my father routinely hit me, denied me food, gave me alcohol instead of juice, numerous things of sexual intent that didnt extend far enough to be bad in the courts eyes, and screaming in my face nearly every day. The mediator turned everything i said against me, said my mother did it all and not my father. I almost had to go live with him because one women just had to be the main character.
Just after, i was assaulted.
He got supervised visitation, around now i started realizing that neither of my parents really cared about me, and i was really just a pawn for them to hurt each other. I was terrified of him every visit i had to go on, and especially when he then got non supervised visitation.
One of these visits he said we were going to a theme park, i wasn't even 12 yet, so we got into the car and we started driving, He kept taking back roads with no signs, it wasn't till the car broke down that i realized he was taking me back to London. I called my papa to come get me, He came to get me, and he nearly killed my father. I was having a panic attack the entire ride home, i couldn't sleep that night.
On another visit we had gone to the mall and my step mother and i had gotten me some clothes, a few weeks later on another visit, he called me a whore for wearing the exact same shorts he bought me.
I cut contact with him, i got through high school, and in my first year of college my mother was moving out. I realized then that she cared more about her cats and living with her boyfriend than she ever did about me. And i lashed out, we havent spoken since aside from holidays.
Late last year, my father died. I'm happy about it, im free, im safe, i had a cake.
I wont say im healed, cause im not. But i am better. My fathers name was Gary, and i hope he rots in hell for everything he did to me, even turning my brothers against me to further his agenda. He was a narcissist, and he got what was coming.
Thanks for listening <3