u/Alternative-Test-804

for pre-text, this is an anonymous account because I do not wish to come into contact with anyone I know in my real life while venting about the situations I’ve lived through. This is for my own sanity IYKYK.

is there’s such a thing as life as after narcissism? if it’s a childhood wound and a generational trauma, which I’ve seen throughout my family, my experiences, and my identity, then when does it end? I’m on a mission to make it end with me. I hope I’m doing it right. I have to do it for my own children. I have to break this dumb generational curse.

i’m a 39F who was adopted at birth by what I would later learn to be a narcissistic mother and enabling father. adopted mom is fierce and loyal, but deeply hurt. She is triggered by any threat (real or perceived) to her ego or image. she deeply hurt me. Here are some of the “highlights” from my childhood (TW): being told that I would become a guttersnipe tramp just like my bio Mom. That if I didn’t behave, I could return to the gutter that I came from. Chasing me with a kitchen knife out of the house. Fat shaming and belittling me until I developed an eating disorder.

growing up this way, I believed that nobody would love me if I was myself and that I was just simply not good enough for anybody. I learned to placate my mother and often lied just to hide myself from her. After high school I moved to a different state to go to college but I developed tendencies such as codependency on others , people-pleasing, and self sabotage while battling deep depression throughout my 20s.

I sought relationships similar to my mothers’ and mine, with people who I could be codependent with. multiple LTRs were with other narcissists, and I failed to see any pattern or connection until my mid-30s. By this time I was already married to my ex-husband, and by the end of our 15 year LTR, I had realized that he was a narcissist and so was his mother. By this time I was deep in therapy, trying to make sure that I wasn’t becoming a narcissist because my biggest fear (still to this day) is hurting my children the way I was hurt.

I view narcissism as a childhood wound and symptom of generational trauma. it’s literally cursed my family for generations. Take my mother for example – she is still a traumatized teenager and she reacts that way every time she is triggered. She can be dangerous and hurtful, and I’ve learned how not to trigger her and I’ve even gone LC & NC (currently LC). i’ve learned that she was demonized by her own narcissistic mother - my grandma. I see patterns of generational trauma in my ex-husband’s family too. I’m desperate for it to end with me.

I need there to be life after narcissism and I really need to know what to do so that I could be a better mother to my own children and a better version of myself. I’ve learned all these tricks on how to navigate my mother and avoid triggers with her. I’ve set strong boundaries and maintained them for years in order to stay LC with her. I spent years planning and executing my divorce from my ex-husband, who I am now navigating coparenting with. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m actually making choices that are good for me and for my children. I’m focused on my healing and prioritize our peace. This might be a big milestone, but I still feel like I have a long way to go.

for context, I was in a LTR for 15 years and I’ve now been divorced for two. I was about to go on my first date with this new person when I made things awkward. I don’t date so this is all new to me and we had already had a little sexual chemistry over the phone … anyway, it seemed like things were heading that way. I thought it would be best to disclose that I preferred sexual testing before meeting and having new sexual relations, and this individual told me that they had only had a couple partners and had never tested nor seen a need to test. This caused me to impulsively disclose that I had contracted HPV before my LTR and as a consequence, I test every three years. I have tested negative with HPV for well over a decade (I continue to test negative to ensure that I am healthy).

The potential date told me that this was a dealbreaker and made them extremely uncomfortable. I told them that I completely understood and we called off the first date. I talked to some girlfriends since this, and most of them told me I do not need to disclose my sexual medical history and that it was unnecessary to do so (so does that make me the asshole?). BUT at the same time, I think I stated a pretty strong boundary and they sidestepped it so showing my full transparency was a good filter. Don’t most people have HPV… It’s like the common cold of STD’s. . . right? so maybe they showed more lack of maturity and awareness whereas I was just awkward? I don’t know. What would you have done?