u/AlphySallomons

Thirty years. It took three full decades to finally get a diagnosis. I realize some people wait even longer, but that doesn’t change the fact that I spent thirty years wondering why I was always the "odd" one. I was the kid constantly turning down the brightness on my phone - and on everyone else’s phone, too. I’ve been fiddling with device settings since I was young just to make the world low-stimulation, only for my mother to scold me and ask who even uses a laptop like that. To her, I was just "weird."

Arabs dismiss mental health as a joke. In our culture, the common belief is that only "stupid" people have mental issues. They don’t believe in it, and they don’t/refuse to understand it. The only time it’s considered "real" is if someone is screaming and thrashing, and even then, they just call it "possession."

And yet, here I am at thirty with a diagnosis that is clear as day: Level 1 Autism. Formerly known as Asperger’s.

Everything makes sense now. I spent my life trying to manually decode facial expressions and body language, thinking that was just what everyone did. My only concept of autism growing up was the one my parents had: "those crazy people who want to stay alone." My mother pushed me so hard to "be normal" because she was in denial. She couldn't accept that her child was different, so she blamed the phones and told me to just go out more. I can't even believe how many family ties I lost just because I behaved weirdly and they did not condone it. In Arab culture, social cohesion is paramount, and what others think of you (or the people you surround yourself means everything!)

Now I’m thirty, and I can’t land a job because the social demands are impossible. It's especially bad in the Arab world, where you’re expected to laugh and talk about nothing. What am I supposed to say? I don’t go out. I stay home and AFK skill on OSRS because the repetitive patterns and the grind are relaxing. While I’m doing that, I’m studying chemistry, biochemistry, and physics. Those are my obsessions. I have no interest in small talk about parties.

I graduated as an RN, but my university was a joke. I made the Dean’s list because I have the theoretical knowledge, but the clinical rotations were hell. The lights and the noise practically incapacitated me. I managed to finish one pre-med semester. I wanted to continue to med school, but the money ran out, and now I’m stuck.

It’s not that I don’t want to work; I can research for sixteen hours straight. But I can’t deal with loud people or the bright lights that seem to be everywhere. In my room, a 1W LED is more than enough. I don't understand how people function under tens/hundreds of 50-100W LEDs. It’s mind-boggling. People see me as "robotic" or narcissistic, but I’m just straightforward. I wear my heart on my sleeve and speak my mind, and that honesty has cost me a lot. I’m just looking for a bit of respite.

I understand that this all means nothing. It's just going to be posted in the Reddit ocean, where millions of other people are also complaining about how difficult life is. I'm just another brick in the wall. Sometimes though, we're just looking for hope and try anything to keep going. I know my chances are slim to find any help, but when you have nothing else to lose anymore, and you're just stuck in a world that frowns upon you and you're hardly leaving the house anymore, it can drive you to do things you would never thought of doing. The online world is the only world I know, the only safe place I have left. 
I'm in such a bad place mentally I'm honestly at a loss. I've been struggling for so long and haven't said a word about it and I'm feeling like it's getting too late.

Thirty years. It took three full decades to finally get a diagnosis. I realize some people wait even longer, but that doesn’t change the fact that I spent thirty years wondering why I was always the "odd" one. I was the kid constantly turning down the brightness on my phone - and on everyone else’s phone, too. I’ve been fiddling with device settings since I was young just to make the world low-stimulation, only for my mother to scold me and ask who even uses a laptop like that. To her, I was just "weird."

Arabs dismiss mental health as a joke. In our culture, the common belief is that only "stupid" people have mental issues. They don’t believe in it, and they don’t/refuse to understand it. The only time it’s considered "real" is if someone is screaming and thrashing, and even then, they just call it "possession."

And yet, here I am at thirty with a diagnosis that is clear as day: Level 1 Autism. Formerly known as Asperger’s.

Everything makes sense now. I spent my life trying to manually decode facial expressions and body language, thinking that was just what everyone did. My only concept of autism growing up was the one my parents had: "those crazy people who want to stay alone." My mother pushed me so hard to "be normal" because she was in denial. She couldn't accept that her child was different, so she blamed the phones and told me to just go out more. I can't even believe how many family ties I lost just because I behaved weirdly and they did not condone it. In Arab culture, social cohesion is paramount, and what others think of you (or the people you surround yourself means everything!)

Now I’m thirty, and I can’t land a job because the social demands are impossible. It's especially bad in the Arab world, where you’re expected to laugh and talk about nothing. What am I supposed to say? I don’t go out. I stay home and AFK skill on OSRS because the repetitive patterns and the grind are relaxing. While I’m doing that, I’m studying chemistry, biochemistry, and physics. Those are my obsessions. I have no interest in small talk about parties.

I graduated as an RN, but my university was a joke. I made the Dean’s list because I have the theoretical knowledge, but the clinical rotations were hell. The lights and the noise practically incapacitated me. I managed to finish one pre-med semester. I wanted to continue to med school, but the money ran out, and now I’m stuck.

It’s not that I don’t want to work; I can research for sixteen hours straight. But I can’t deal with loud people or the bright lights that seem to be everywhere. In my room, a 1W LED is more than enough. I don't understand how people function under tens/hundreds of 50-100W LEDs. It’s mind-boggling. People see me as "robotic" or narcissistic, but I’m just straightforward. I wear my heart on my sleeve and speak my mind, and that honesty has cost me a lot. I’m just looking for a bit of respite.

I understand that this all means nothing. It's just going to be posted in the Reddit ocean, where millions of other people are also complaining about how difficult life is. I'm just another brick in the wall. Sometimes though, we're just looking for hope and try anything to keep going. I know my chances are slim to find any help, but when you have nothing else to lose anymore, and you're just stuck in a world that frowns upon you and you're hardly leaving the house anymore, it can drive you to do things you would never thought of doing. The online world is the only world I know, the only safe place I have left.