OK, this may be a long one because I’m parsing this out as I go so please bear with me.
My boyfriend and I started dating about two years ago and early in the relationship. I found a massive porn collection on his computer while trying to find a file for something random.
We had an argument and ultimately he came clean about his porn addiction, and I tried to be as understanding as possible, after deleting the folder.
later on that year, I am similarly sending myself a picture on his phone and I find a cell phone porn folder and I delete this one without saying anything to him about it and just ask him how his addictions going and tried to be supportive.
Halfway through our second year, the same thing happens I find it. I deleted it, and I just tried to check in with him and let him know that there’s support without letting him know that I have evidence that he’s regrowing his collection. I’ve been trying to avoid shame and just kind of regulate and support.
however, now we’re on a trip internationally and I’m sending myself vacation pics and once again I find his porn folder. Except this time, it’s random people from porn stars to people he knew in high school’s lewd images from Instagram. I wasn’t gonna say anything until I scrolled, and I saw pictures of my two closest friends. One of them is my roommate in bikinis alongside his two closest female friends who he’s known through his whole childhood in the same lewd position.
I know it’s wrong, but I woke him up and knocked the shit out of him all around the hotel room. I also broke his phone and his camera. I know I should never have put my hands on someone or their stuff, but I myself have been a victim to someone in my life, forcing me to take these kind of images as well as another person in my life while I was a minor finding lewd images of myself and sending it to himself and saving them. I only found out when I got a bounced back email because he was drunk one time and couldn’t send it to himself properly from my phone.
I really don’t want to break up with him because I love him, but I can’t be comfortable around that. I asked him why my friends were there why his friends were there and I told him about how I’ve gone back and cleared his collection without making it a problem for him and he told me that he just blacked out and screenshot stuff and doesn’t even go back. It’s like his brain auto catalogs pornographic material at this point he said that he masturbate sometimes for four hours at a time and really shameful places and all this stuff and I’m trying to understanding, but I don’t think I can ever look at him the same again.
Additionally, I told his best friends what I found in his phone because once again, I have been in their position and felt completely violated and no longer speak to that part of the family, so I wanted to make sure that they were aware of how their images were being handled. He let me do this, it’s not like I went behind his back. He watched me draft the message, read it, and I sent it. Of course, he’s still extremely upset that I told them and said that he is pretty sure he’s going to lose two of his closest friends in his life however, a lot of his anger is directed at me for saying something to them, and not him for having no self-control. Once again I want to remind y’all and him that the collection isn’t the problem. It’s the contents and who is newly in it. Overall, I don’t know what to do. I love this man and I want him to be better, but he’s gonna blame me for the broken friendships that he sewed the seeds for. I guess I don’t know exactly what I’m asking, but I just want any kind of direction or help because I’m really broken up about this and I just wanna be happy and I just want the man that I fell in love to come back.
I did voice to text for this so I’m not gonna bother going back to proofread. It’s too much but I think y’all got it. Thanks y’all please help me I want him to get better.
Edit: I feel like a lottttt of y’all are skipping over having a porn catalogue of my closest friends (including my heart sister,who I live with who he’s close with as well) as well as two of his closest childhood friends.
Also duh I shouldn’t have hit him I’m not asking if that was right or wrong
BUT
he knows I was abused specifically by someone finding and saving inappropriate photos of myself and making me pose for them in a lewd manor (as a minor). I know it’s not a justification and I’m in therapy right now, but it’s important y’all understand I was (in my hot head) protecting my friends in a way NO ONE ever protected me. And the betrayal is that much bc greater because he knows about these abuses and traumas. I’m grossed out by myself for lashing out like that but some of y’all are reallllly bad at nuance, reading comprehension, or both.
Please only comment if you’re gonna read the whole thing