u/Akira_loves_you

Oh man I’ve forgotten to write anything for my diary today, I didn’t really do much so there’s nothing to write.

People online are super racist, I got called the hard-r on three different occasions today, crazy! I think I should take a break from the internet but I don’t have much else to do with my life.

On a lighter note I’ve been trying to consume more positive media, things that make me happy like fashion blogs, baking videos, and other stuff like that. I can’t help but feel a little jealous of those people though, I wish my life could be fun and whimsical like theirs.

I finally got a bike lock so I’ll be able to bike to places I need to go and not have to worry about my bike being stolen. Did I mention this already? I can’t remember.

I think I’ll go out tomorrow, I’m supposed to meet up with my study partner but she’s sick with tonsillitis so I don’t know if she’ll show up. I think I’ll dress up real pretty regardless, it’s been a while since I’ve worn something that’s not slobbish or silly.

I looked at myself in the mirror and dressing up may be out of the question, my acne is flaring up today and I don’t think it’s going away anytime soon. What’s the point in dressing up if I have a butterface? I suppose I’ll see how I feel about this tomorrow.

Today sucks, I’m too broke for the bus so I have to walk, also I have cramps, also there’s a thunderstorm going on outside, also I’m tired.

I wore a big coat to protect me from the rain but it’s mostly making me overheat. I got a hat too but it makes me look so silly. I guess I’m dressing up for comfort today instead of style. Although, I’m still pretty uncomfortable regardless.

Halfway through my walk to uni I decided to sit under a bus shelter to wait out the thunderstorm. I saw a piece of paper on the seat next to me with a few poppies on it, I picked the paper up and it turned out to be a little sketch, I can’t really tell what it is though, I can make out a face but that’s about it. I think I’ll take it home and stick it up on my wall.

I’ve got a meeting with my supervisor today, I’ve barely done any work though, I hope he doesn’t beat me up over it. Also it’s a video call meeting, I hate video call meetings. I only like meeting in person.

I don’t even have a quiet place to do the meeting either, I’m doing it in a public classroom, I hope the other students don’t mind. This is so embarrassing.

God that was the worst meeting ever, I don’t even want to get into it, just know that everything went wrong and I left feeling embarrassed.

When I came home my sisters laughed at my outfit, did it really look that silly? Maybe it did, I can’t bring myself to care though.

Being ugly and having short hair is convenient, I can dress up in my dad’s clothes and pretend to be a man at night, that way I can avoid getting torn to shreds by psychos and enjoy a nighttime bike ride.

I saw so many bunnies whilst I was out, I went to a woodland park so there were a lot of nocturnal animals out like frogs and hedgehogs too. I saw some foxes and got a little scared, I was worried that they’d bite me but they were calm and nice.

For some reason when I came home tonight I was struck with an intense sadness, I’m not sure why but I spent a good while crying in bed for no reason at all.

I can’t get the smell of baby puke out of my sheets, I’m sure you can imagine how terrible it is. I probably won’t be able to fall asleep at this rate.

My younger sister decided to come back home after going on a three week trip to London, I kinda want her to go away again because I hate sharing a room with her. She stays on her phone late into the night talking to guys that she doesn’t even like, I wish they’d all get a life.

I want to talk to someone but I have no one to talk to, no one really likes me and I think that’s fair. I’m a pretty unlikable person, I don’t really like my own presence either but it’s inescapable. I want to change but I seem to be stuck.

I’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately. I’ve been getting angry at myself. I hate myself. I wish I could get really really sick so I wouldn’t have to be at home or go to uni, I could just stay in a hospital room by myself forever.

What meds could I take to make myself feel better? I don’t want to have to take antidepressants again. I want something more immediate and stronger, do antipsychotics work well? Could I just mix up a bunch of meds in my cabinet and hope for the best? I just want a magic pill to make all of the bad stuff go away.

It’s been a few hours later and I’m feeling a little better, I think I was having an episode earlier. That’s something I need to work on. I tend to go into manic episodes whenever I make a mistake or receive negative feedback. I need to grow a spine.

Everyone is so insufferable, I can’t seem to get along with anyone. It’s probably more so my own fault than the fault of people in general. I do tend to meet some really bad apples though, thankfully I’m smart enough to block them the second I catch a whiff of malice.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people make excuses for and tolerate horrible people at the expense of their own mental health for no reason. It’s stupid.

I feel lonely sleeping on my own, I have a stuffed toy seal that I sleep with but it’s not the same as being with another person. Sometimes I worry if I’ll ever get to experience what it’s like to be with someone. Someone that I like at the very least.

The day I finally decide to leave the house and study is the day it rains, how unfortunate. Luckily I have my umbrella but it’s still very windy and cold out, I don’t even have a coat on.

The bus is terrible today, the guy next to me smells funny, the people behind me are having a whole dinner (which also smells funny), and it’s overcrowded. I guess it’s still better than having to walk.

I wish I spoke a different language, everyone on the bus was speaking in different languages, I don’t even know my own mother tongue, I can only speak English. It’s kind of sad but that’s my life I guess. I tried learning a new language a few times but nothing ever sticks.

My mom is making me talk to my dad, I don’t really want to talk to him but neither does my mom so I have to speak on her behalf, it’s not like there’s anyone else who’ll do it. My life sucks.

I chipped my bottom front tooth whilst chewing on some plastic, I’m too broke for the dentist, why do I keep doing stuff like this? It’s uncomfortable but at least it doesn’t hurt.

The world is so cold, I feel so comfy in bed, I don’t ever want to leave. I wish I could just live in a nice dream forever.

I’m bored. I think I’d like to have a gal pal, ya’know? Like those friendships they have in movies and tv shows. I’ve never really had any close girl friends because everyone used to think that I was a weirdo. I mean I definitely am a weirdo. I don’t know if there’s anyone who’s my kind of weird though.

I really hate babysitting, my sister keeps giving me her baby for hours on end so she can go to work but then she doesn’t come home till 4am. I feel like her husband is useless too, can’t he keep his own son for the night? I really don’t like having to watch a screaming baby 24/7.

I’m in a really bad mood today, I don’t think I should speak much because the things that I say when I’m angry aren’t nice.

It was my baby cousins first birthday today, I decided to cycle to her house so I could wish her a happy birthday.

This has to be one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. The path to my aunts house goes up a really steep hill, I had to stop halfway through and take a breather because I was exerting myself way too much. One of her neighbors was watching me from her porch, I think she felt bad because I was panting like a dog.

I think this is a good thing though, it’s sorta like a workout, right? Maybe I’ll try riding this route more often so that I can build stamina. I’d preferably do this at night though, I don’t want the sun beating down on me.

I’ve been practicing riding on the road and I’ve noticed two things. 1. Drivers do not respect the cycle lane. 2. If you mess up even slightly you get flattened by a car. Suffice to say that it’s scary.

I had too many sweet treats at the birthday party, I think I might be sick. I just can’t help myself whenever I see a sweet treat.

I’m so broke, I had a dream about prostituting myself out of desperation and woke up crying. This is too much. Either I get employed or it’s over for me.

I started cycling, I’m a little too nervous to ride on the road unless it’s in the middle of the night. It’s easier when there’s no one else on the streets.

Everyone is insufferable, I don’t know if I can name a single person I actually enjoy being around. I can’t bring myself to sugarcoat my feelings anymore either. I hate everyone. I feel like this is a natural response to the life I live.

I’ve become more ‘online’ to satiate my need for social interaction, I guess that explains why I’m so bitter. The internet isn’t the best when it comes to good people.

I tried to make a cake today but it came out terribly, I’m a little disappointed in myself. I was really desperate for a sweet treat too.

I wonder whether I should spend my money on my phone bill or something sweet, I was thinking I’d get a berry crumble. I guess I should be responsible though…

I feel strangely okay today, not good but not horrible either.

My feelings aren’t considered often, I don’t appreciate that. I hate everything and everyone. Everyone always puts me in awkward situations. Do they not know how uncomfortable these things can be?

Well, it looks like my dad disowned me, he told me to never talk to him again. I can’t bring myself to care. I don’t really like my family.

I wish I could get a job so I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone, I’d move away and live on my own forever.

On the bright side, now that all these bad things are happening maybe something good will happen to even things out.

Nevermind, I’m thinking about ending it all. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to burden anyone by dying either. Also I’m a coward and can’t bring myself to do it. I hate myself most of all.

My dad called me back and apologized but the damage is already done, I guess at the very least I can act cordial from here on out.

I’m meant to study but I don’t want to, I just want to sleep. Maybe tomorrow.

I’ve spoken to a lot of people today, I’ve realized that a lot of them are more malicious and more pathetic than me. I don’t know whether that fact should make me feel better about myself or worse about the state of the world.

I don’t know if this is normal but whenever I try to socialize I don’t enjoy it at all, I don’t enjoy talking to people or being around people but I’m so lonely. I want to be able to enjoy these things.

I’d like to think that maybe it’s because I’m not finding people that I connect with, but it seems like I can’t truly connect with anyone. I just feel so detached and alone. How do people feel good being around one another?

I’ve tried finding people with similar interests but it’s all the same in the end, I feel nothing for no one. I hate myself for being like this. Am I a bad person for being like this?

Why does talking to people feel so draining? Is it supposed to feel like this? Am I just messed up? I don’t want to be alone but forcing myself to talk to people feels horrible.

I spent the morning helping my aunt around the house, she’s been struggling with maintaining things since her baby isn’t feeling well. I tried to play with the baby to pass time but she was too fixated on a cartoon that was playing on the tv. After I was done helping I went back home.

I hate people who don’t leave me alone, I need my own personal space for a friendship to prosper. if I don’t get me-time then the relationship seems more like a one-sided burden rather than something mutual.

I didn’t really do anything today.

I need to go study today but I’m so tired, I don’t want to speak with my tutor either, I feel like he’s the type to get angry at me for being behind on my work. I have to meet up with him at least 10 times though, it’s compulsory, what a stupid rule.

I look horrible today, I was staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t really recognize my face. I hope other people don’t see me the way I see me. I think I’ll wear my favorite earrings, that ought to put me in a good mood.

I read some Robert Crumb comics today, I couldn’t help but envy the women he depicts. They all have such nice body types. I wish I looked like that. I spent about ten minutes at my desk ogling at drawings of women. I probably looked gay but there’s nothing wrong with that.

I really hate bothering my dad for money, I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t like me anymore but my mom refuses to talk to him so I’m basically a messenger between the both of them. It’s so awkward.

Whilst I was walking home I wasn’t really focused, I guess I was busy thinking about my dad. This guy started walking really close to me, I came to my senses and looked at him. That’s when he swung his fist at my face, I sorta just pulled my head to the side and dodged his punch. He kept walking like nothing happened afterwards. I stoped and stared at him for a moment before continuing on my way. Should I have confronted him? I don’t know.

I feel sad at the thought of someone trying to do something like that to me, a little weak too. I wish I could’ve beaten him up, he might’ve had a knife though and I don’t want to get stabbed.

On a lighter note I had a really good nap, I haven’t been able to sleep well in ages so this is a nice change of pace.

I’m a little worn out but I’m trying to keep a positive outlook on life. It could always be worse I suppose.

I’m not happy anywhere. Most people have a place where they feel comfortable, I don’t have that, I don’t even feel content in my own bedroom. My discomfort is inescapable.

Whenever I read romance novels or see media with couples in it I get stressed out. I know that I’d never be able to achieve something like that so I become envious.

Even when I watch porn I make sure that it doesn’t have anything too romantic otherwise I’ll be forced to stop watching it. I just can’t stand to watch other people enjoy a happiness that I can’t have. I’m so bitter.

I’m so dirty, I haven’t showered in ages, I’ve been wearing the same pajamas for days on end. I’m disgusting.

I made the worst pasta ever today, it almost made me puke. Maybe the pasta was expired. Does pasta even expire, it’s a dry food, dry foods shouldn’t expire, right?

I think I must’ve been a seabird in a past life, I have a habit of leaving places and people without a trace. It’s not a good habit but it’s something I can’t help.

I don’t really have the will to live anymore, so far I’ve only been hurting other people and myself. I guess I keep going in the hopes that things will get better someday. Will they though? I should try to be more positive.

I’m getting tired of babysitting my nephew, the kid probably sees me more than he sees his own father. Surely that isn’t normal.

I was bored and decided to make my own discord server, I hope it doesn’t crash and burn like the last 100 times.

I had my fortune told today. I’m not really a believer in that kind of thing, but I thought it might be fun. It seems that my future isn’t very promising, so I should probably do something to change it.

I’m too nervous about forming bonds with others; I’m too guarded and closed off. I should be more open and emotionally available, but it’s so frightening. What if things go wrong? Things tend to go wrong for me quite often.

Stupid fortune. I tried being more open, as it advised, and now I feel terrible. People are so confusing. I just can’t understand them. I need to be alone for 100 years, but then I’d get bored.

I learned a new word today: “Pumplex”. I find it funny so I’ll be using it a lot from now on.

I think I messed up big time, I was supposed to be resting but I was bored and decided to do some more garden work. I ended up messing both my legs up. How am I supposed to walk to my university in this state? I don’t have any bus money either.

I remember someone telling me that some people are destined to be alone forever, that they’d eventually die alone too. I worry that I’m one of those people. I don’t want to be alone forever but that seems to be in the cards I was dealt.

I’m a really terrible person, aren’t I? I can’t help the way I am. I apologize to anyone who’s ever met me.

I wish I looked more masculine, I love being a woman but I want to be a masculine looking woman, ya’know? All this gender stuff is stupid, just another way to divide the masses.

I’m so bored, I hate my life, it’s so boring, I hate it. I’m in a very complain-y mood today.

Some birds flew into my backyard after I was done digging up weeds, they started eating all the worms that had surfaced from my digging. I feel a little bad but that’s the circle of life.

My legs hurt so bad, maybe I’m getting old. I should probably start doing stretches in the morning but that’s such a jarring process. I’m just so weak, I hate it.

I was looking at my birth certificate today and my dad’s name wasn’t on it, is that normal? Also I’ve come to realize how much I dislike my full name. I wish I could change it but my parents would be sad, I wouldn’t want to upset or confuse anyone with such a sudden change.

I’m sweating so much and my hayfever symptoms starting to intensify, I hate summer.

P.S. You should always strive to be a kind person no matter how cruel the world is.

People in relationships are so stupid, it’s like they press a button that turns their brain off. I tend to wonder why the people around me stay in horrible relationships that only hurt them and then they get mad at me for pointing it out. Why are you mad at me? I wasn’t the one who wronged you.

I don’t ever want to be in a relationship if it’ll make me like this.

I’m sweating like a bastard, I have sweat stains on my shirt like some yuppie. I hate hot weather so much. Spring? That’s okay but summer is where I draw the line.

I managed to do a fair bit of studying today, I’m proud of myself for even bothering to get out of bed.

I’m trying to learn how to roller-skate again, I’m a little rusty and I don’t know how the stops on these things work but so far I haven’t fallen over so I think I’m doing good.

Gwahhh I’m so thirsty… I forgot to bring a water bottle and I’m too broke to buy one, I’m going to die of dehydration.

My back and neck ache from carrying my backpack, I’m starting to regret leaving the house.

Some highschooler tried flirting with me as a joke, I told him that I was 21 and to stop wasting my time, his friends ended up laughing at him. Little kids are so annoying.

I’m glad I have my coin purse, I was able to buy a water bottle with some of the loose change in there. Though paying for stuff with pennies is a little embarrassing.

I was bored so I started following this guy who was walking ahead of me, we were pretty much going in the same direction so I was trailing him for a good 20mins. Maybe I should’ve spoken to him, I don’t know how to approach people though and I don’t want to seem like a creep.

My mom got excited when I came home and my older sister became jealous because of it, why is she mad at me though? I didn’t do anything.

I did my hair and it looks horrible, I’m gonna be stuck wearing a hat for a good while, I’m too lazy to do anything else with it. This is unfortunate.

I was putting on my nightgown and whilst I had it over my head I walked right into a sharp corner of the wall. My forehead aches.

I’m so sleepy today, I just want to pass out in bed. I’m so tired all the time. Just wanna sleep forever.

I think I might be a porn addict, I have nothing better to do besides watching porn, so is it really my fault? I’m a product of my own environment or something like that.

I wish I didn’t look so skinny, if I ever start making money I’m gonna go back to the gym and eat better. Right now I look like a drug addict, pale and emaciated.

My life is unimaginably mundane, sometimes I wish that something terrible would happen to me just so I’d finally get to experience something thrilling. Nothing ever happens.

One of my cats went missing, everyone is under the assumption that he’s passed away somehow. I hope that isn’t the case, he was a good boy.

I’m using more of my coin purse money to buy candy, it’s the only thing that makes me happy anymore. It’s like an antidepressant substitute.

I’m depressed and I don’t really like anyone, people are evil. I suppose I’ve said this a million times before so it’s nothing new.

I’m so tired.

I’m in a bit of a daze, I don’t know what’s wrong with me today, I can’t think straight.

I’ve been sleeping most of the day away, I gotta get up and do something productive with myself.

I feel lonely but that’s nothing out of the ordinary, I think it’s hitting harder than usual though.

I lied to some people about writing poetry, I wanted to seem interesting but they asked me to show them some of my work, I had to force myself to write something quick and send it to them. This is nerve wracking.

Hmmm I didn’t do much else today, so that’s all.

I’ve started to realize how desperate I am for attention. It’s probably because I don’t have friends to pay me any mind so I’m dependent on the attention and praise of strangers. This can’t be healthy.

My interview is today, I’m a little excited and a little nervous at the same time. I think I might be overdressed for the occasion.

I’m too broke to afford the bus so I’ll have to walk to and from in heels, mind you the walk is around an hour or so out. Sigh.

The church bells were ringing as I was walking into the interview building, perhaps it’s a sign of good luck. There was a little boy who was holding his ears as he was walking past, I couldn’t help but feel a little bad for him.

My hands are so cold I can barely type, I suppose it’s my fault for putting style over comfort and leaving my jacket at home. Now that I’m inside my fingers are starting to swell up, it’s uncomfortable and looks gross, I hope no one notices.

I just finished the interview and I’d say that it went well, the questions they asked me were far from the ones I practiced for but I still did a pretty good job of answering them. Although, I did stutter a lot.

Strange, on my way back I noticed that the church bells were still going. I was tempted to go inside of the church to see what was happening but I feel nervous going into religious buildings, I feel like I don’t belong there.

My legs ache from walking in heels, I hope I didn’t damage my quads again, I’m too poor to be crippled.

Sometimes people call me pretty but I can’t see it, I look around and see girls who effortlessly look a gazillion times better than me. I’m sure most girls have issues with their self-image though. Girls are so cute and kind, I love them all so much.

I saw a piece of candy on the ground and ate it, I hope I don’t get sick.

I’m looking through my closet so I can find something to wear at my internship interview. This will be the first interview I’ve ever done so I’m nervous. I couldn’t find anything apart from this plain black dress, I’m not the dress type but it’s the only thing I have that looks somewhat professional.

I miss taking antidepressants, I don’t want to go see my doctor though, nor do I have the money to pay for medication. Life is kinda rough.

University is stressing me out, I can’t bring myself to do any work, if I don’t start now then I’ll be panicking last minute. I already know that this final project I’ll be submitting will be mediocre at best, at least after this I can finally graduate.

There’s so much drama at my house, my brother in law was caught doing drugs and now the news is spreading. My mom told my sister that she married a man that’s just like our father, kinda harsh. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone in my family have a healthy relationship, can relationships be healthy?

I tried to impress my nephew by doing a seal impression but it was so bad that he started crying. I should probably work on that.

I’ve decided to be more proud of my face, I’m gonna post some photos on my Instagram, I’m a little worried that the worst case scenario will occur and people will call me ugly. Oh well! Whatever happens, happens.