u/AggravatingAsk41

please dont remove this i dont know how to word this and i cant be overthinking this right now

i found a song that i liked and added to my platlist because it sounds cool but it sounded familiar

its not old enough to be something i listened to and forgot my memory is blurry but i dont really have blackouts like ever anymore

it started triggering switches for two people which i didn’t understand at all because it isnt linked to them in any way but whatever right

today literally like 20 minutes ago i played it and started feeling overwhelmed with people fronting???? like 7 people at the same time? i started sobbing and i genuinely do not cry definitely haven’t in a while either

im confused and honestly scared i dont really feel fear much and i dont know what im supposed to do

i dont know what im feeling right now either it still feels like theres 5 people crammed in the front seat of a car and im supposed to drive??

what do i do?

im back.

“oh cool another (insert media type) ftm gay relationship.” “wonder if the trans man is a top or bottom.”

guess which one it always is. this is genuinely exhausting. there is no media with gay ftm tops unless they are with someone whos not cis.

why do people call through their car with the volume at 200? the entire neighborhood can hear your conversation. its more annoying if its your neighbor that sits in their car and has a conversation for an hour about their weird rash that you have to listen to. but its more than annoying for me when im in the car. i have hearing damage and loud noises hurt, yelling honestly hurts more than loud music. and the person on the phone hears if you ask to turn it down. its inconsiderate, plain rude. but its not detrimental to much so id consider it a peeve. and how frequently i see (hear, lol) people do it.

i am trying to figure all of this out. i am basically the only one doing anything. everyone has different likes, dislikes, tone of voice, accent, walk, reactions to things, coping skills, mannerisms, fucking everything. i have no idea what i am? every time i feel a emotion too strong i feel like someone else is on my shoulder. someone else is trying to take the wheel. can i not have anything? no emotions? no thoughts? no feelings? no reactions? even writing this is almost blurry. why do i have to deal with everything and nothing. i dont want to say anything worrying on here but i seriously dont know anymore i have no personality in a mind full of them i feel like an empty shell trying desperately to find pieces that belong to others to take for myself i just want my own pieces. i am looking back at photos and videos and i can see the different people. different haircuts different hairstyles different haircolors different faces different smiles different expressions different outfits different styles different phonecases different shoes different everything but im sitting here in green sweatpants that i dont even know if i like green i dont know if i like anything im wearing a shirt i dont like but i couldnt tell you what i would rather be wearing. no food tastes good. no drinks. i am exhausted. i cant sleep because i dont know what to dream about besides being someone else but i dont know who i even want to be. i think i have been here for a while and i dont think i have ever had anything to myself. what the fuck

i dont know if such a open ended question like this is allowed but i find it difficult to understand myself when it comes to stuff like this and hearing other peoples experiences helps me feel understood and gives me hope for understanding myself.

is anyone here trans? i personally never felt transgender or anything but i technically am. it causes issues but also is helpful i guess because i dont really feel dysphoria. with the possibility of did and other things i realized that this may not be something i am alone in. i have seen some posts and stuff about it but i would like to hear directly from people and their experiences. thanks, if i reply to any comments asking questions, feel free to tell me or just let me know you dont want to answer if you dont want to.

/ edit. i didnt expect to get responses yet lol. we are out rn and will be a little late to reply probably.