u/AgentAlaska51

I (28m) feel like I was born sick, and am commanded to be well by this world. I have Aspergers, general anxiety, dysthymia that may have worsened to MDD, and a disdain for people, especially Americans (I am one, for reference). Nothing makes me truly happy anymore. I can laugh and joke with my family here and there, but it all just feels fake. I'm just wearing a mask so they don't worry anymore. Not that they ever want to talk when I bring up my mental to them. Whenever I'm alone I never so much as crack a smile or feel genuine enjoyment watching a movie or playing a game. Things I used to enjoy.

I just can't hold down a job. I've been going to therapy for years trying to find anything that I can do that I won't be fired from for attitude and avoidance reasons. My family recently said I should "get my life together" as if I haven't been trying.

I have no interests in anything at all really, and no real wants except to move to another country. But it seems like if I'm moving at all it'll be with my parents to a red state I don't want to move to. Because again, no job to be able to go anywhere else, and I've already tried and failed to go on disability.

I never asked to be born, and I don't think I ever wanted to be. Especially to make someone else money in exchange for a pittance that wouldn't be enough to buy a snow globe of where I want to go, let alone move there.

I hate labor. I hate other people. I hate to drive. I hate putting on a fake face, it just makes my face hurt, and my eyes often give away that I'm just forcing it. I hate that I live here and can't live in one of the countries laughing at us. And I hate that people don't seem to want to do anything to make life here better, and in fact seem to want to actively make it worse.

As for attempts to help myself, name it, I've tried it. Therapy, medication, job placement, aptitude tests, meditation, "fake it till you make it", diet and exercise, socializing despite my anxiety and hatred, meditation, breathing exercises, basically anything short of EST and Ketamine. Only medication worked to any extent, going from "on the verge of jumping off a cliff" to "having dark thoughts most of the day" which I guess is progress.

I know that "I'm still young" and that "I haven't seen everything out there" and you out there "never discovered my passion until I was X years old". But I've just been feeling worse and worse as the years go by. I'm tired of looking for a job I know I'll despise. And I'm tired of not having anything I enjoy doing. Everyone in my age group pretty much at least have jobs to support themselves and their families, even if they hate the job. I'd burn out so quickly and be fired in the same situation, even though I don't want a pet or kids. If things get better eventually then...when? Things are just stagnating or worsening globally and personally.

I'm far too ugly to find a sugar mommy. I'm far too dumb and impatient for higher education. And far too filled with anger to fake a face for 40 hours a week (or, let's be real, over 40). So traditional work seems impossible.

How the hell do I get out of this deep, dark hole, and find anything I actually CAN do, let alone WANT to do? I've wasted my 20's. I ruined our last vacation by going through a particularly bad depression spell and bumming everyone else out, and I feel horrible for that. I have no friends in my life to vent to, nor do I really want to make any. Friends are too much work. I just want to be alone in a country I actually want to live in and waste away. How do I get there? CAN I get there?

Seriously, why should I (28m) even be alive? I haven't had a job in years, and when I did I despised every second of it. I have no dreams, no passions, no aspirations, no motivation to do anything, no one particularly special in my life outside my immediate family, no want for a family or even pets really, and no hope for humanity. In fact, I think I might even outright hate humanity overall. The only thing I even remotely enjoy is video games, and even that's lost it's luster. At this point I have almost no money left, I live with my parents, and they're planning on moving to a state I don't want to move to. I don't have any friends, and am uninterested in making any, since I just despise people and become extremely irritable around them. I just don't have an inherent trust of them that most others seem to have.

The only reason I'm even alive is my mom, step-dad, and sister. And once they're gone, what's left for me? I'll be out of people to leech off of to keep the horrible experience of being alive going. If life is all about work, work, work, work, work, die, then why can't I just skip to the end instead making the rich richer off my labor?

I'm tired of living, and I have nothing I'm looking forward to. Getting hyped up for "The next new thing" whatever it may be just doesn't do anything for me, because I know there'll be billions of other "next new things" after I'm dead anyway, regardless of when.

I'm certain at some point I'll have to get a terrible, low paying job I hate, get fired from it for attitude problems and lack of motivation, and fear homelessness, all because I wasn't born to a rich family that never has to work.

I describe the whole experience as "living against my will". I don't want to be here, I don't think I ever have. I have no idea why my family wants me alive, aside from to torment me with a longer life. Whenever I mention my hatred of labor to my family, especially my sister, all I get is "sorry, that's just how the world works" I go "ok...then I don't want to live in it." Then the conversation just ends because they don't want to talk about it anymore.

As for "solutions" I've tried, antidepressants only level me out, and don't actually boost my mood, and I still think about dying several times a day regardless. Motivators and anti-anxiety meds I've tried have been completely useless. I've been in therapy for over a decade at this point, and they haven't been much help either. Writing my feelings was pointless and useless since I ALREADY KNOW HOW I FEEL. I've also attempted going on disability and was rejected. Attempting again seems pointless, especially with the current administration.

I don't even believe everyone has a purpose or "place in the world" either. What was the purpose of all the people killed in conflicts all over the world? Everyone whose ever died from cancer or other diseases? Everyone who dies randomly one day in a car accident? Nothing. Not as far as I see it. Except to suffer and die. I'd rather die quickly and painlessly by my choice at the very least.

Life is meaningless to me, was meaningless to me, and will continue to be meaningless to me. I hate living it and I just want to end it rather than destroy my body and/or mind for a job I don't want to do, to pay for a shitty living space I don't want, all while being around people who annoy me with their existence, if they don't scare me or otherwise make me feel threatened. Life is simply wasted on me, and I wish I was never given it. What the hell do I do when I don't want to do anything?

(P.S. If for some reason you decide to respond, keep your god out of it. Too many have when I talk about this for me not to mention it. I don't believe they're real, and if they are I think they're a monster anyway.)