You keep trying more and more to reconnect, and I can’t find it in myself to reciprocate. The love you show feels deeply performative. It always has, and I have always felt that the love I felt for you was lesser as a result. I never could love you the way you needed and now I feel trapped. Your refusal to accept my no longer being in love feels like a death sentence. You are so convinced I don’t know my own mind that I believe it sometimes, too. I frequently doubt myself and try to meet your expectation that I will “remember how much” I love you, all the while growing more irritated and exhausted with you by the day. Do you know how terrible it feels to constantly fail to meet that expectation?
You are every happy memory I have, but I don’t see a healthy future with you. It doesn’t feel possible after I spent such a long time being your parent. I don’t feel capable of giving you what you want or need. Financially, emotionally, supportively, sexually.
And now, as you try more and more to reconnect, I find myself more and more disconnected. I see you making such an effort and all I can think is “too little, too late”. I am watching you hurt more with each passing day, because as you said, you “refuse to accept” it is over for me. I agreed to counseling, but you’ve dragged your feet and I suspect it’s because you and I both know it’s done and you can’t let go of the security I provide, not because you really feel some deep unconditional love for me. even if you do, I feel like the counseling process is just going to be you trying, me failing, and everything going to shit until we hate each other.
I hate that we’re here and I don’t know how to go back to what I used to feel and I don’t think I want to anymore. The options are as exhausted as I am. Please let me go.