u/After_Display_8290

Months have passed and I am barely living. Studying, music and crying, that encapsulates my days. It feels like my dream of us is years away even when it hasn't been long since that last night sleeping in each other's arms.

Sometimes i get frightened when i see how easy it was for you to give up on us, you probably would deny that again, but your actions spoke louder. This sudden, extreme discard, someone who "loves you" wouldn't do that. All of it feels like I was a pig you brought to the slaughterhouse, blissfully unaware that his heart would get ripped out the next day. But how could I see that when I was too busy smiling about the sweet things you sent me the night before.

Maybe I deserve to get left like this? It has not been the first time, that someone who was smitten by me in the beginning, leaves me because I'm not pretty and handsome enough anymore.

Maybe I am the man that is good enough to desire, but never enough to stay.

I remember a quote from you (not literal): "what if you look at me down the line, and find there is nothing more for you to see" Would it have changed anything if I told you I felt the same? Two children from completely different cultures and families, carrying the same core wound of never being good enough? I don't know, you probably knew it anyways, it's not like I hid my inner world from you in any shape or form.

Now and then I catch myself wanting to hate you, for how you broke me in ways I never thought were possible. But I don't. At least I think I don't hate you. It's hard putting it into perspective next to the hatred I have for myself at this moment. Everyone, including you, keeps telling me its not my fault, but I don't think I'm ready to accept that yet.

I'll leave these thoughts with one last thing:

You Told me I'm better off

But I'm not

I'm not, I'm not

Months have passed and I am barely living. Studying, music and crying, that encapsulates my days. It feels like my dream of us is years away even when it hasn't been long since that last night sleeping in each other's arms.

Sometimes i get frightened when i see how easy it was for you to give up on us, you probably would deny that again, but your actions spoke louder. This sudden, extreme discard, someone who "loves you" wouldn't do that. All of it feels like I was a pig you brought to the slaughterhouse, blissfully unaware that his heart would get ripped out the next day. But how could I see that when I was too busy smiling about the sweet things you sent me the night before.

Maybe I deserve to get left like this? It has not been the first time, that someone who was smitten by me in the beginning, leaves me because I'm not pretty and handsome enough anymore.

Maybe I am the man that is good enough to desire, but never enough to stay.

I remember a quote from you (not literal): "what if you look at me down the line, and find there is nothing more for you to see" Would it have changed anything if I told you I felt the same? Two children from completely different cultures and families, carrying the same core wound of never being good enough? I don't know, you probably knew it anyways, it's not like I hid my inner world from you in any shape or form.

Now and then I catch myself wanting to hate you, for how you broke me in ways I never thought were possible. But I don't. At least I think I don't hate you. It's hard putting it into perspective next to the hatred I have for myself at this moment. Everyone, including you, keeps telling me its not my fault, but I don't think I'm ready to accept that yet.

I'll leave these thoughts with one last thing:

You Told me I'm better off

But I'm not

I'm not, I'm not

Months have passed and I am barely living. Studying, music and crying, that encapsulates my days. It feels like my dream of us is years away even when it hasn't been long since that last night sleeping in each other's arms.

Sometimes i get frightened when i see how easy it was for you to give up on us, you probably would deny that again, but your actions spoke louder. This sudden, extreme discard, someone who "loves you" wouldn't do that. All of it feels like I was a pig you brought to the slaughterhouse, blissfully unaware that his heart would get ripped out the next day. But how could I see that when I was too busy smiling about the sweet things you sent me the night before.

Maybe I deserve to get left like this? It has not been the first time, that someone who was smitten by me in the beginning, leaves me because I'm not pretty and handsome enough anymore.

Maybe I am the man that is good enough to desire, but never enough to stay.

I remember a quote from you (not literal): "what if you look at me down the line, and find there is nothing more for you to see" Would it have changed anything if I told you I felt the same? Two children from completely different cultures and families, carrying the same core wound of never being good enough? I don't know, you probably knew it anyways, it's not like I hid my inner world from you in any shape or form.

Now and then I catch myself wanting to hate you, for how you broke me in ways I never thought were possible. But I don't. At least I think I don't hate you. It's hard putting it into perspective next to the hatred I have for myself at this moment. Everyone, including you, keeps telling me its not my fault, but I don't think I'm ready to accept that yet.

I'll leave these thoughts with one last thing:

You Told me I'm better off

But I'm not

I'm not, I'm not

What a bland goodbye: around a week of you acting differently an then all of a sudden: "its over. i have thought about this for months"

The months where you reassured me everything was fine between us? The months you wanted me to connect with your friends and family more than ever? The months where we celebrated birthdays like nothing was wrong? Our relationship didn't fade, it ruptured.

"You're not to blame". Then tell me why you were the only one who felt stuck in this relationship? Then tell me why you didn't find me attractive anymore. Then tell me why you didn't feel understood by me. Then tell me how you couldn't imagine a future with me in which you were going to be happy. Tell me how this doesn't come back to haunt me.

To me those reasons sound like estrangement, like falling out of love, like unhappiness.

Yet during the breakup you insisted that wasn't the case: You still felt safe with me, you still loved me, and that you were still content.

Now, Months have passed. I kept hoping that you would write me, that you'd tell me you were sorry that you lied and finally give me the real reasons for leaving. That message never came. Instead, i'm left alone with the uncomfortable truth, that I simply wasn't worth it. Once you truly knew me, you decided a life without ever interacting with me would be better.

Since then, the way i viewed the world is destroyed. How can a person give up on love like this? How am i supposed to feel secure in any relationship if they can let it fall apart at any moment, no warnings, no nothing. We both know: I tried so hard and gave it my all but in the end it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. My core wound was right.

Fighting this thought everyday is so exhausting. My life has taken a toll: i've failed exams, stopped living and just survived. In the weeks after you left i have lost so much weight.

One of the last things you told me was: "I'm still young and i don't owe it to anybody to settle down already"

(btw just for anyone unaware of our situation the only points where our future commitment was raised was came from her side her thinking about moving in together and her not wanting to go long distance and her not wanting to split up: id laugh if i wasn't depressed)

And yes you are right you don't owe that to anyone. But considering the state you left me in, I almost feel entitled to say: You owe it to me to find happiness. You owe it to me to finally get your life together. You owe it to me to get your multiple diagnosis in order. You owe it to me to cut of all of your friends that actively make you unhappy, like you cut me off. You owe it to me to thrive in your education considering i don't hold you back anymore.

My handsome boy, you owe it to me that you will succeed in life.

Because if you don't, you will go the rest of your life having ruined my love life and that not even making an ounce difference in yours.

I truly hope you find what you’re looking for.

~The one you will hopefully forget

What a bland goodbye: around a week of you acting differently an then all of a sudden: "its over. i have thought about this for months"

The months where you reassured me everything was fine between us? The months you wanted me to connect with your friends and family more than ever? The months where we celebrated birthdays like nothing was wrong? Our relationship didn't fade, it ruptured.

"You're not to blame". Then tell me why you were the only one who felt stuck in this relationship? Then tell me why you didn't find me attractive anymore. Then tell me why you didn't feel understood by me. Then tell me how you couldn't imagine a future with me in which you were going to be happy. Tell me how this doesn't come back to haunt me.

To me those reasons sound like estrangement, like falling out of love, like unhappiness.

Yet during the breakup you insisted that wasn't the case: You still felt safe with me, you still loved me, and that you were still content.

Now, Months have passed. I kept hoping that you would write me, that you'd tell me you were sorry that you lied and finally give me the real reasons for leaving. That message never came. Instead, i'm left alone with the uncomfortable truth, that I simply wasn't worth it. Once you truly knew me, you decided a life without ever interacting with me would be better.

Since then, the way i viewed the world is destroyed. How can a person give up on love like this? How am i supposed to feel secure in any relationship if they can let it fall apart at any moment, no warnings, no nothing. We both know: I tried so hard and gave it my all but in the end it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. My core wound was right.

Fighting this thought everyday is so exhausting. My life has taken a toll: i've failed exams, stopped living and just survived. In the weeks after you left i have lost so much weight.

One of the last things you told me was: "I'm still young and i don't owe it to anybody to settle down already"

(btw just for anyone unaware of our situation the only points where our future commitment was raised was came from her side her thinking about moving in together and her not wanting to go long distance and her not wanting to split up: id laugh if i wasn't depressed)

And yes you are right you don't owe that to anyone. But considering the state you left me in, I almost feel entitled to say: You owe it to me to find happiness. You owe it to me to finally get your life together. You owe it to me to get your multiple diagnosis in order. You owe it to me to cut of all of your friends that actively make you unhappy, like you cut me off. You owe it to me to thrive in your education considering i don't hold you back anymore.

My handsome boy, you owe it to me that you will succeed in life.

Because if you don't, you will go the rest of your life having ruined my love life and that not even making an ounce difference in yours.

I truly hope you find what you’re looking for.

~The one you will hopefully forget