u/Affectionate_Eagle54

Edited for clarity.

(31F) decided to be roommates with my friend (29F). We have been through a lot together and spent a lot of time together.

~4 of my functional decorative items in our shared living room started repeatedly disappearing and reappearing in odd places (closet, under boxes, etc.,). One I use frequently and I tore apart my whole room twice — and even told her I couldn’t find it. When I was moving out, I found it under boxes in a closet. She had repeatedly made comments trying to get me to get rid of my couch, dining table, and pillows, so I know she has issues with my things. I confronted her about it, she lied and evaded, but eventually confessed she hid it because she thought it was ugly.

She has done other things that have gotten on my nerves. E.g., multiple phone alarms that go off for 30-100 minutes while she’s showering, making breakfast. When I talk to her about this, she just gets upset about my tone of voice and / or continues to do it. She says she sleeps through them and is trying her hardest, but I have seen and heard her downstairs while her alarms are going off in her bedroom and she is never late for work.

I thankfully moved out. I started evading her requests to hang out. Eventually, I ended up unintentionally hanging out with her in what was supposed to be a group hang.

I later apologized for being evasive about hanging out and explained it was because she hid my things. She replied saying “sorry I moved your things, but it was well intentioned. You spoke to me last night with hate and vitriol”.

The situation she is referring to:

I am part of a hiring committee for a community job for an organization that serves the local community. Although she has ample means, she has expressed she does not want to spend money supporting the organization when she can get their services for free. That’s fine by me! But then she applied for the community job and didn’t tell me. I expressed kind words to her when I found out — although I obviously had huge reservations as I just stopped being her roommate which was very stressful, and she has problems with lying and doesn’t seem aligned with the organization. She brought it up in person when we were hanging out, and I did ask her why she applied since her actions didn’t show that she was very interested in the mission. She got flustered and upset, and we changed topics.

Additional info due to questions: I had already recused myself from evaluating her job application. I am just sharing this part because she brought it up.

She said she wanted to meet up to discuss. I told her I was happy to, but didn’t think the conversation would go well if she said her hiding my things was well intentioned, but my words were full of hate and vitriol.

AITAH? We have so much history and past in our friendship it is hard to let go, but these things and other things she has done makes me feel not great. We also have a TON of mutual friends, which has given me anxiety.

Hi all,

I decided to move in and be roommates with my close friend of four years. However, as a roommate, she kept asking me to get rid of my furniture and didn’t let me had any input on the housing selection (we ended up in a place $150+ / month over my monthly budget). I was very clear up front that because of my budget, if we lived together, we may have to live in an older place or only have 1.5 bathrooms. She said up front she was ok with that, but then refused to live in any of the places in my budget due to various reasons like “the radio was on when I toured the house” and “I saw a spiderweb”.

Then, she started having her phone alarms go off for ~30-60 minutes multiple times a week. I repeatedly asked her not to do this. She insists she just sleeps through it, but I have caught her phones going off while she was downstairs or in another room. Frequently, I smell her making breakfast or hear her shower. She also is never late to work. Her alarms never stopped going off, but I eventually stopped asking.

I also noticed my things missing in the house and turning up in odd places. It was about five decorative / functional items I kept in our living room. They would disappear and reappear in closets or under boxes. Eventually I put 2 and 2 together and realized she was hiding my things. I confronted her about it politely, she played dumb, but eventually fessed up to hiding one of the items because she thought it was ugly.

Whenever we talk about these issues, she would then get really mad at me or start crying because of my tone of voice or about a comment on a completely other different issue. Most memorably, after I asked her to stop an alarm, the very next morning it happened again. I politely told her it woke me up. She apologized, and later I told her that morning I needed to do laundry and she started crying and saying my tone of voice was off. In her defense, I’m sure I did sound grumpy because I hadn’t gotten any sleep.

Anyways, after the hiding of my things, I stopped wanting to hang out with her. It makes me sad because we had so much history. We moved out and I am very happy in a new living situation. We have a lot of mutual friends, but she’s disappeared from the friend group recently.

Most recently I sent her a text apologizing for being evasive for not wanting to hang out and I told her it was because of the Hiding my things and the comments about my furniture. She replied saying she was sorry for moving my things, but it was well intentioned, and that the last time we hung out I had spoken to her with hate and unkindness (she was referring to comments I made about some of my shopping preferences). In her defense, I’m sure my vibes to her were off, because I really did not want to be hanging out with her and I am frustrated with her. On the other hand, it feels like she avoids accountability and finds reasons to be mad at me instead.

AIO?