u/Affectionate-Web1155

My husband uses my BPD against me, tells me to leave when he knows I have nowhere to go, and once told me not to feel guilty because he'd "have to pay for it alone anyway."

I'm younger than my husband. We just went to get my new state license. On the way home from the DMV, we were talking—I mentioned that I feel weirdly biased against people younger than me. I was just being self-aware. He looked at me and said, "I hate anyone younger than me," knowing I'm younger than him.

When I told him that hurt me, he deflected. Brought up my past. Then brought up my BPD and bipolar 2—things I've been vulnerable with him about—and said, "Fine, I won't help you anymore." He knows I struggle to keep a job. He knows how hard the basics are for me… like even just going to the DMV today was a struggle. I constantly thank him for what he does for me but he still uses my diagnoses as a punishment.

I try to communicate when something hurts me, partly because I know with BPD if I don't, the feelings build up and I lose control. But every time I speak up, it destroys the peace. He says cruel things. I spiral. Then I lash out. And suddenly the fight is about my reaction, my instability, my BPD. What he said first? Never addressed.

When I get upset enough that he can tell I'm really hurt, he says: "Just leave if you're so unhappy with me."

He knows I have nowhere to go. We moved to a new state a few months ago. I've been unemployed since the move. He covers almost everything financially—rent, utilities, most bills. I only manage groceries and stuff for my car with government help. I have no friends here. No family nearby. No savings.

He has all the power, and he knows it.

And here's the part that really messes with my head. Once, when I was crying and telling him how guilty and awful I felt for not contributing enough, he said: "I'm going to have to pay for it anyway on my own. There's no use in you being upset about it."

Like he'd already be paying for an apartment alone anyway. So my guilt is pointless. My struggle is pointless. But also—I still can't leave.

I know I get crazy. I do insane shit when I'm triggered. I'm not saying I'm innocent. But it takes so much invalidation to get me there. And no one sees that part.

Am I really the whole problem?

My husband uses my BPD against me, tells me to leave when he knows I have nowhere to go, and once told me not to feel guilty because he'd "have to pay for it alone anyway."

I'm younger than my husband. We just went to get my new state license. On the way home from the DMV, we were talking—I mentioned that I feel weirdly biased against people younger than me. I was just being self-aware. He looked at me and said, "I hate anyone younger than me," knowing I'm younger than him.

When I told him that hurt me, he deflected. Brought up my past. Then brought up my BPD and bipolar 2—things I've been vulnerable with him about—and said, "Fine, I won't help you anymore." He knows I struggle to keep a job. He knows how hard the basics are for me… like even just going to the DMV today was a struggle. I constantly thank him for what he does for me but he still uses my diagnoses as a punishment.

I try to communicate when something hurts me, partly because I know with BPD if I don't, the feelings build up and I lose control. But every time I speak up, it destroys the peace. He says cruel things. I spiral. Then I lash out. And suddenly the fight is about my reaction, my instability, my BPD. What he said first? Never addressed.

When I get upset enough that he can tell I'm really hurt, he says: "Just leave if you're so unhappy with me."

He knows I have nowhere to go. We moved to a new state a few months ago. I've been unemployed since the move. He covers almost everything financially—rent, utilities, most bills. I only manage groceries and stuff for my car with government help. I have no friends here. No family nearby. No savings.

He has all the power, and he knows it.

And here's the part that really messes with my head. Once, when I was crying and telling him how guilty and awful I felt for not contributing enough, he said: "I'm going to have to pay for it anyway on my own. There's no use in you being upset about it."

Like he'd already be paying for an apartment alone anyway. So my guilt is pointless. My struggle is pointless. But also—I still can't leave.

I know I get crazy. I do insane shit when I'm triggered. I'm not saying I'm innocent. But it takes so much invalidation to get me there. And no one sees that part.

Am I really the whole problem?