i am a 22 yr old girl. i am basically straight-edge. i rarely go out and am on track to be a medical professional. i graduate from college next week and am taking a gap year while i apply to grad schools. i started dating my bf who is 25 last june. he is from my hometown, and i go to school three hours away. he was perfect. i had known him my whole life because we rode the bus together. i had heard from other people that he did drugs, but i could tell at the time we started dating that he was clean (i work in psychiatric care and can tell when people are using). i also wanted to give him the opportunity to be open with me.
when we first started dating, he stopped smoking weed. this led to him being extremely volatile while he got used to not being high all the time. i am an extremely patient person and gave him grace through this. once he stabilized everything was coming up roses.
in november, when i came home for thanksgiving break he started sleeping A TON, like sometimes over 20 hours straight. i would keep track of this. he would go to a house and not tell me he was going there which was extremely suspicious because we always kept each other updated on our whereabouts. i told my therapist who has experience working with addicts about this and he told me it sounded like he was using coke. from there i was too scared to confront him. i would try to initiate a conversation with him about it. i would ask how he was doing, tell him he could tell me anything and i wouldn’t judge him, and let him know my love for him was unconditional. he never took the bait. i would go through his things at his apartment whenever i was alone. i was so suspicious, but honestly was not too stressed about it. i was letting myself be delusional and just enjoy being with him regardless of my suspicions.
i let this uncertainty go on for months until in february, my friend called me and told me that MY bf had asked HER bf if he knew where to get coke. i couldn’t even cry when she called me to let me know. i just laughed. it was a week before valentine’s day and i had just bought him tickets to see his favorite musical artist. i thought about how i would confront him. i texted him before my lab asking him to be open with me. once again, of course, he didn’t take the bait. i told him, “i know you have been using,” and he played it off all nonchalantly, “yes i have.” i had been stressing about this for months, and this was the response i got.
for the next month our relationship was rocky. i thought about what i wanted to do. as a young woman, it was hard for me to think about the serious consequences that staying with him would lead to down the road (i.e. having children, or just simply being married to someone who can’t be open with me). i had done a lot of research, and overwhelmingly the consensus was that he either had to quit or i had to leave him. i understood, though, that ultimatums do not work with addicts. i told him that he had to be open with me and tell me if he was going to use. he agreed to this. he didn’t follow through.
he would tell me he was clean. he would tell me it was going well. i partially believed him, but i was still weary because coke can cause your face and stomach to bloat. when we first started dating, he looked like a chiseled athlete. six-pack and sharp jawline. i had watch him puff up completely. bloated stomach and cheeks that looked like a hamster’s. he never deflated while being “clean”. he started sleeping irregularly again which was enough for me. i told him he needed to send me a passed drug test. he ignored me. he told me he needed to rest (i wonder why). i asked to call him. he declined. i texted him after the weekend that i couldn’t do it anymore. i felt good about this decision. he was apologetic. saying he will never find someone like me. i last told him that he needed to get better for himself, that we could talk once im graduated, and that he needs to seek help and consider ways he can get better.
my issue is that i truly believe he can get better. i really think that if he goes to rehab or therapy for himself then he will be fine. if he changed and did get better, i would want to go back to him. my friends disagree. they have wanted me to end things for a long while now and i completely understand. is it silly for me to want to go back to him? we just broke up earlier this week, but right now i just can’t imagine being with anyone but him. besides the dishonesty about using, being with him made me feel safe. we could talk and talk and talk to each other. i am so attracted to him. he was so sweet to me. i just don’t want to disappoint my friends, and i feel like their opinions are a large part of why i even ended things.
tldr: i found out my bf had been dishonest about using coke. i tried to let him just be honest with me about it, but he failed to do that so i ended things with him. i still want to be with him despite my friends’ wishes but don’t know if that is ridiculous of me.