Hi, I’m a couple weeks out of my breakup. My boyfriend may have bpd, a therapist identified that he may have it, then he quickly stopped seeing her. I’m here to get this out on paper in hopes I can finally start to walk away. This is really an honest account- so I am probably not represented in the best light here. I realize I have made a lot of mistakes. But I just want to truly air out my grievances and tell my story. I have been holding on to him throughout this time and I am beginning to accept that I have to move on now. I thought I would come to reddit and type it out.
When I met E, he was everything I could have asked for. My previous ex passed away in a tragic accident. And I was really afraid to start dating again. But E was so full of love, he made me feel so wanted and took such good care of me. He seemed like a family man and wanted nothing more to be a father and a husband. My parents loved him, he fit in with the family. And we were beginning to build our lives together. I used to jump into his arms when he came home from work, and he acted like it was his favourite part of his day. We would spend all night laughing, falling asleep on the couch. We knew everything about each other, and could just talk for hours.
Things started falling apart when I began my masters program. He was in the middle of a terrible, drawn out divorce, and he was illegally blocked access to his child. My ex was completely crushed, and I rolled up my sleeves and started helping him navigate the legal maze that is family court, filing paperwork and writing affidavits, doing whatever I could to make sure he would be able to see his child. I know I probably should have let this continue to be something he handled on his own, and as his new partner, I should have not been a part of any of it. but he was in so much pain and would bawl his eyes out if anyone brought up his daughter, and it broke my heart and made me want to help him any way I could. the legal stress became a source of conflict for us, because I would spend a lot of time basically acting as his lawyer, doing research and helping him through paperwork. He thought I was too focused on court and not spending quality time with him anymore, which is partially true, but I thought I was doing what was best for him and his child. His work schedule was extremely busy and he is probably the worst procrastinator I’ve ever seen. I may have been a little emotionally tied to the situation too, as a child of divorce where I wasnt able to see my father for years.
E, always, wanted all of my time. No matter what I gave him, he always felt like he needed more. Despite our sex life being healthy and frequent for over a year, it was during this time when we were both really stressed, that E began voicing his disappointment. He began to get irritated if I didn’t “put out” for a day or two. his attitude and apparent entitlement to my body made me grow distant. I kept asking him to provide me with emotional safety- because sex began becoming uncomfortable, after the times he would grow angry and say really disrespectful, mean things when i was overwhelmed with school and didn’t want to have sex with him. i felt like I would start getting my sex drive back if he worked on his attitude around sex, because we both agreed it was not healthy. Things just got worse. I started having sex with him when I didn’t want to, and it even got to the point where it was painful. I was drained, but fixated on wanting to make him into a better partner. I really badly wanted things to work after all the time we spent together, and I wanted to be able to show my family that I could have a healthy relationship, and they didn’t have to worry about me anymore. I had so much trauma from losing my previous boyfriend, and my family grieved along with me, I just wanted to show them I would be okay. I thought if I just kept working- even if that meant carrying the weight of our relationship for the both of us- things would get better.
And of course, February is the first time he cheated. We had a fight that stemmed from him not feeling reassured and loved by me, which I just didn’t understand, because I was literally spending every day with him, taking such good care of him while juggling school, and it still wasn’t enough. He left for work- he works out of town- after we had a really good conversation about our relationship, took accountability for what we had been doing wrong, and made a plan to move forward. i made him his favourite dinner, and I thought every thing was better and that we were on the same page. While on the road, E downloaded a popular dating app for gay men, and met with someone from this app in a nearby town that is on the way to his work. He also was high on drugs at the time, and he told me he doesnt use drugs at all. I was horrified and in complete shock. I had no idea that he was bi, but apparently he had been secretly meeting with people on this app, intermittently, for years. From everything I knew about who E was, i NEVER thought he would be a cheater. I KNEW I could count on him that he would never do that. Before all this happened, if you asked my friends, my family and I to describe E in a single word, it would have been “loyal.”
I was completely destroyed and broke things off immediately, and he threatened to kill himself. In fact, he made it seem over the phone that he was ACTIVELY killing himself, he told me he had taken a bunch of pills and was acting sick and spaced out on the phone. I called the local police and they came to his hotel, and found that he was completely fine and he denied any suicidal ideation. This would happen multiple times until I took him back. Which is insane, and I know that he was playing on my trauma to give him another chance, but I let it happen.
He told me that he was sa’d by his uncle as a child, and again at 18, which led him to have really intense s*xual trauma. He told me he is straight (I later got him to admit that he is likely bi) and how he tends to engage in risky sexual activities when he’s feeling overwhelmed, as a trauma response. He told me “now that I understand it, I can fix it” and that he would get help. His mother also called me, and said “he has never been able to express himself like this before” and begged for me to stay.
I did, and it didn’t last long. I had so much anger, and so much resentment, I couldnt even let him near me, he felt like a complete stranger. He worked hard for my trust again, and we began using accountability apps so I could monitor his every move. He let me scream and cry at him, he said all the right things. The pain was paralyzing, and I, like a fucking coward, crawled to the very person that hurt me for their comfort. There were very brief moments of joy and times where i felt like I could be okay. I made him get tested and our sex life was improving again. And then, early April, shit hit the fan.
You know those moments in movies where a little kid is being bullied endlessly, and one day he just has enough, and just decks their bully during recess or something? I felt like that. I had just had one of the worst days of my life due to work/school issues, and I came home destroyed. E was trying to hold me and comfort me while I feverishly sentoff emails, trying to fix things with an approaching midnight deadline. he became angry that I was paying more attention to my computer than to him, and even tried grabbing my wrists and pulling me towards him. I snapped, and told him that it seems like he doesn’t even respect my work and doesnt take anything I do seriously. He just expects that I turn into a damsel when things go wrong so he can have his ego stroked. The fight ends with him recognizing that wasn’t the right way to handle the situation at the time, and apologizing for causing me more stress on such a terrible day. AND THEN, GET THIS: we are going to bed, and I am getting out of the shower, feeling completely defeated and drained, and as soon as I turn off the light and he realizes sex isn’t on the table, he begins to rant about our sex life, how this better not be a forever thing, and how he is entitled to sex and wont get into a “sexless marriage.” Something in my head just clicks, and I quietly get up out of bed, walk into the kitchen, grab a trash bag, and begin to collect his things. He begins to yell at me and threaten to call the police and email my supervisor and tell her what a horrible person I am. I don’t say a word. I don’t even cry. I just pack his things up. While hes going out the door he flashes a knife from underneath his sleeve, that he must have taken from the kitchen, and tells me he’s going to take his own life right in my yard. I shut the door without a word.
That was a few weeks ago. I have been throwing myself into my work to get through it. I am still in shock and I am completely confused about who I just had in my life for this time, who I‘ve been living with since November. He has been lying to me since the beginning. He has a SA charge from 2021. He has had a drug issue since the beginning that he completely concealed. At one time he lied to me when we were just beginning to date, and told me his daughter was sick- and I realize now that likely was a lie to cover up some horrible shit he was doing. I just dont understand how someone like that exists. I am completely in shock and continue to reach out to him and I am so ashamed of it. talking to him seems to be the only thing that eases the pain. He always tells me “I haven’t been talking to anyone” and I know that’s a lie. I can’t stop thinking about the terrible things he’s probably doing right now “to get over me.” And I just sit here feeling numb, crying in front of my friends and family that look at me differently now. I am Feeling so ashamed and so hurt and I am missing a complete loser and hating myself for it. I fucking hate what he’s done to me. I would have never done this to anyone, and I’m just angry at the world. He completely ruined my trust and fooled me. I am just sick to my stomach and so done with people ruining my sanity. I have been through so much already and I just dont understand why life won’t give me a break. I blocked him today and my heart is aching. I can’t believe this is my reality right now. 26 years old and completely traumatized.