Is my(27F) boyfriend(26M) patriarchal?
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My boyfriend (26M) and I (27F) have been together around 5 months and I genuinely feel like I’m losing respect/trust in the relationship because of what I’m starting to notice about his views on women and gender dynamics.
The thing is, he’s not some cartoonishly sexist “women belong in the kitchen” type. He’s emotionally attached to me, calls me constantly, helped me during breakdowns, etc. Which is why this has been confusing and hard to process.
Initially I thought some of his comments were just insecurity or conditioning. Stuff like:
\* saying men may have perceived me as “easy” because of the way I acted before we dated
\* being uncomfortable with male friends
\* saying women should be careful how men perceive them
\* “safety” concerns around girls drinking/going out
But lately I’ve started noticing actual double standards in his family dynamic too.
For context:
\* He drinks heavily, stays out till 2-3am regularly, openly talks to me all day in front of his family, etc.
\* His sister is basically the opposite: college-home-college-home, constantly updating her location to their mom, doesn’t really dress up much, etc.
\* He literally described her as a “good girl” in the traditional sense.
The thing that REALLY disturbed me was him casually telling me that once he suspected her talking to a guy on and wanted to call the guy and cuss him out that he indirectly told his sister not to do that “or that won't turn out good”
He said it casually, almost jokingly, but it honestly changed something in my brain. Because now it feels less like “awkward comments” and more like there’s an actual underlying belief system there about male vs female freedom.
The thing is I drink heavily and sometimes regularly, I'm a smoker, and you could call me the typical "bad influence", he hardly ever bad mouths me for any of that, this inconsistent logic makes me uncomfortable.
The problem is:
I genuinely can’t tell anymore whether:
I’m overanalyzing due to being hyperaware of patriarchal patterns
OR
these are actually major signs of incompatibility and traditional gender beliefs that will get worse later.
Has anyone dealt with a relationship where the person was emotionally caring/loving, but their underlying gender conditioning started making you lose respect and emotional safety over time?