u/Adorable_Ad6761

So the past couple of years I've been with this great guy. However, from time to time, when he doesn't get his way he turns horrible, twisting things to make me look like the one who has issues.

The current issue: we have cats, I want to keep them inside, and he just keeps letting them out when he opens the door for the dog, repeatedly. I went off about it this morning because it's happening so often now, he just doesn't care.

He then asks me for money, for his business. Because he spent all the money he had made from it on other shit. (We're doing up a house, and I have already pumped about 10k into things he needs for it). Fair enough, he's doing the labour. But now he's asking to bail him out on other fronts. I refused and stood my ground. I am not giving him anything more, I have already in the past and he just keeps using me as a financial safety net. Defaulting on bills and important payments, which I have to bail out because my name is tied to it too.

Now I enforced that I'm not giving him any more money and he keeps calling, pushing and pushing to get the car keys off me so he can go home and sell some shit to make up the money he needs. Like, wtf?! Nothing is that urgent! His business can wait a couple of hours until we get home. It does not have to be done right this minute, wasting more money driving back and forth.

He is pushing me more and more, will not stop calling and keeps trying to forcefully take the keys from me. None of this is ok, yet he keeps going! Am I really the asshole here for not giving him the keys or the money and trying to make him see that this behaviour is not ok? He's calling me a horrible person and trying to threaten me, saying he'll sell some headphones he bought me instead. This is not the first time this has happened, I just didn't stick to my boundaries, because I still have to go home with this person at the end of the day. 😓

For the last 30 years I was unaware of my mental status. Blissfully ignorant and happy enough, regulated and stable. Only lonely and overwhelmed, though not bothered much by it.

Then came trouble.

Someone to show me that real feelings exist, and I was capable of feeling them. For a long time, I did, we did, together. And then the fights and arguments started. And shit went sour. There was more pain than ever, and so the feelings disappeared again, little by little. Until there was nothing left but emptiness and loneliness again.

As if a vacuum got turned on and sucked my heart right out of my chest.

Will I ever feel again? Maybe. I don't really know. At this point I just don't want to exist or explain or be. I just want to be left alone. There is no one I can trust to consistently hold me. No one has that capacity. Not even my own parents did. So now I'm stuck in a loop where I choose emotionally unavailable people, who keep hurting me and making me shut down. Then I burden myself with work and slave away in this broken home. Hoping for more, wishing, craving for someone to share a peaceful loving moment with. Someone who can and will be there until the end. Why is that too much to ask?