u/Adorable-Song9238

My daughter just turned twelve and I'm realizing that I have absolutely no clue what a healthy mother/daughter relationship looks like past this age.

I was twelve when my parents split and our family was thrown headfirst into my my mother's chaos.

She started bringing her boyfriend over within weeks and went from being an engaged stay at home mom to one that worked constantly then partied late.

That's the age she started using me as a sounding board for her emotional problems, praising me when I agreed with her view of how her marriage went wrong.

That's the age I started feeling (and often was) responsible for my younger siblings.

When I was overwhelmed and frustrated with my mom and started pushing back, she started calling it my "mother-hate phase" and constantly complained about my attitude. And pouted while she talked wistfully about how I used to be her little buddy.

I have no positive memories of her past that age. No nurturing, no support or guidance, I just remember a lot of tiptoeing around her moods and her arbitrary rules about what I could do and when.

Throughout my teens, my mom would scold me for wearing what she perceived to be revealing clothing, constantly commented on my body, and obviously regarded me as competition for my stepdad's attention (especially fucked up because he and I actually developed one of the healthier relationships I had with an adult).

She also flirted with my boyfriends and talked constant shit about other women, either in real life or on tv and magazines. She instilled in me a terror that men would easily leave a woman as soon as a better looking one came along (not at all what happened with my dad, btw) and I developed debilitating relationship OCD with my now-husband when we were first dating, panicking around topics like porn, strip clubs, sex scenes, anytime an attractive woman was mentioned or in our line of sight.

Now I'm approaching that same phase of life with my daughter, I'm getting very anxious about her starting to look like a grown woman from certain angles and knowing she'll start to receive unwanted attention from men.

I'm relieved to say I have zero thoughts of jealousy or competition with her but am realizing I'm navigating this with no map. I thought I saw a guy staring at her at the store last night and had a panicky moment searching my mind for a decent way to handle it. My mom would've looked at me with a horrible face and told me to pull my shirt up or something, making me feel shameful and dirty.

If you've read this far, thank you and if you've got any recommendations for books or resources on these topics I'd love to see them. Thanks.

Recently my husband and kid took a trip that I couldn't attend. It was just a weekend, but I had not had that much time to myself in probably 15 years, maybe more.

Having the apartment to myself, I swear I came back alive. Finding music that I liked, eating what I wanted when I wanted it. Going to sleep when I was tired, naturally waking up in the morning. I did some projects I'd been putting off for years. I went outside, stretched, I relaxed.

I missed my child dearly, but I was struck by how free I felt without my husband home.

At this point most people would assume that he's a jerk, abusive, manipulative, or pulling me down in some way. I can honestly say he's not a bad guy. We have a respectful relationship, he provides for me to stay home with our kid. We're equal partners, we make decisions together, we share the household tasks.

What I noticed in his absence is that I spend an enormous amount of mental/emotional energy thinking about how he feels. He works from home so we're both around all day. He doesn't give me a hard time if he can tell I didn't do much in the day. So why do I constantly think about whether he'd be mad at me if I don't do a certain thing? I tie myself in knots and the result is that I'm very ineffective at my job, which is taking care of the house.

I also don't leave and go do things I like to do, I just wait around for him to be out of work. I don't shop for myself, meet friends, go on walks, join an exercise class, read a book, nothing. I wait around. He doesn't notice because that's what he likes to do. Work, relax a bit, cook, eat, watch TV before bed and do the whole thing again the next day.

I am someone who needs lots of socializing and novel experiences, but I don't make that happen for myself even though I have all the time and resources and opportunity I need.

Tl;Dr: Why is it that without my husband around, I suddenly feel able to be myself and do things I like to do, even though he never stops me from doing so?