Hi, I’m in need of some validation that I made the right choice..
I (30F) had to break up with my boyfriend (33M) of 6 months. I negotiated so much with myself looking for solutions, but I was drowning. I was his first girlfriend after a long relationship with narcissistic abuse, getting his son taken from him etc (his ever first girlfriend except this toxic ex). He’d been single for 7 years, in therapy etc so I saw it mistakenly more as a strength than a warning sign for me (since I’m also into healing, trauma work).
But the closer we got the more I both understood how bad it had been, how much he has just bottled in and how big wounds he has. He suffers from extreme fawning, hyperfocusing on me, doing everything to adjust after me. It started to feel like dating my shadow, it triggered my own trauma, we were both walking on eggshells around each other trying to keep each other happy.
We developed a codependent relationship, the type I’m trying so hard to heal from. There was no room to be authentic as that triggered him if I wasn’t validating him, being happy clappy to signal he was safe. He tried to do everything right, he respected my boundaries, but I could just feel his anxiety. His wounds. I felt for him so so much, he’s been through so much and I wanted to be a safe and healing place for him. We talked about our future together and made plans, I was very much in love with him and when things were good they were extremely good. I used these good moments to try and prove to myself we were destined for each other.
But my body was signaling. I wasn’t feeling safe, I was regressing of the work I’m doing to heal. I have a chronic illness that makes it even harder for me to be the safe, stable place he needs to heal. After getting sicker, feeling worse and worse I finally ended it. And I broke his heart. I took our plans and our future from him. That he saw as his salvation.
I know it was a choice I had to make, but I can barely live with myself now. I know this brings up so much pain for him, from the past and also with his anxious attachment. I knew nothing about narcissists when we started dated, I didn’t know of the wounds they caused and how careful I should have been. He has a lot of work and self reflection to do but he just wanted to be saved by a relationship instead. (He’s very codependent with his mom and tried more to switch his mom for me) He was so scared of being abandoned and now that’s what happend. I feel sick knowing I caused him pain, when all i tried to do was give him love and safety. I don’t know how to sit with this and move forward from this, and have a hard time focusing on myself and my healing.