u/AdeptMycologist9602

I have stopped socialising to such an extent that I have even stopped feeling even lonely. I sometimes wonder what is the need of people in lives when you can't even have a genuine connection and trust people. I understand it's fun to talk but without having any meaningful connections, even fun talks and jokes seems so superficial. I kinda wonder, why do I even need friends or marry in life or even have a family? There is only person I trust blindly and guess what, that's me. I see outside that others are so happy with friends. I just don't understand how one can be so happy when there is nothing meaningful. Well, i don't even trust my own parents because of some past trauma. I don't know if I am becoming alien to the world. I don't understand how will I continue my life till I go off by being such a mess. Anybody can DM if you wanna talk about it casually.

(TLDR included) Let me tell you about my journey. My dad always wanted me to have a aim and kept asking what I wanted to be when I was a fucking 1st grader. I used to say I wanted to be prime minister (damn 2nd female pm of India). Days went by, it was 4th grade or maybe 5th idk....he asked me what I wanted to be....I was like idk (as mom told me prime minister is the greatest person on earth but not the richest and one needs to do dirty politics to get there) I thought about that and then asked my mom, what should I become? She said IAS is a good job, pays well and you are not the greatest in the country but still at a top position. I was like sounds nice....I will be IAS. How innocent i was? The other option i knew was doctor and had no idea about other career. Btw, I was a kid who was ambitions and had superiority complex by birth.....even before I knew what career was.....I wanted to become the greatest of all.....yup that was my dream.....you can laugh nv.....then my dad used to keep showing me upsc syllabus and question paper with charm in his eyes I was in 7th class. I actually started watching upsc mock interview in 7th although I do not used to get a single fucking thing. Right garde came....busy in school....9th grade.....Covid hit and i had all the time to be my career counsellor and decide that I wanted to be IAS after beating around the bush. From 9th class till my college second year, I have watched so much upsc topper talk and content, I can't tell you....I would talk about upsc topper like celebs.....I was that crazy....i also bought upsc books after 12th.....btw....I got promoted to third year few weeks back........ recently I have started to have a hell lot of epiphanies in my life.....I am so tired of being obsessed about upsc....I don't want to waste a single thought on upsc.....I have done kinda basic prep ( 90 percentage lakshmikant and 1-2 chapter of spectrum).....well the realisations I had is kinda important as i when I look around a lot of people still never had these realisations:

1. We were taught to chase and run as fast as we could to get a job. We were taught to mould ourselves each day no matter how hard it seems but you can't quit....keep going....job is waiting....one day will come......it will quench your thirst of years. It's a lie..... chasing and doing things just to get something will make you so hollow from inside that a fucking job can't compensate for that no matter it's IAs. I know lots of brainwashed people will disagree. If you are willingly pursuing upsc, it won't be an issue. I am suck of chasing and feeling hollow. And i question if anything is worth chasing in life. I have gone to unhealthy limits while chasing but the result never paid off even if it was positive. I want to do things for the sake of doing and not for any reward. I don't want to feel vulnerable and be at the employer's mercy. I want to have my value that attracts people without chasing.
2. I am thinking, what was the point of education system if I was to start from scratch. Career means doing something that has value for others and getting paid for it. I think I didn't learn much in school, it was a place isolated from real job market and now....I kinda feel it was all pointless.
3. Indians are regressive in their mindset. Whether it comes to career or sexuality or just living according to one's own will Indian are regressive in mindset. You won't believe this. Till 12th class, i used to think, sexuality was a bad thing and it got to a point where I won't look at boys as I used to think it was bad......the kind of person I had become was terrible.....at one point I won't touch things belonged to boys....it all started because some random teacher would tell love was bad and I was a big conformist.....it was feeded in my hard from childhood through serials. What happens when people fall in love? Kiss.....that happens abroad.....in India....drama happens.....that I learnt from fucking serials. Yk, it breaks my heart.....a 3-4 year old girl said she wanted to be ias....who told her? Her parents......an aunty comes to me start asking me to give tips to his sons as I was school topper.....and she said....she wanted her son to be an ias..... parents who the tell you are to tell your innocent kids that they should be something.....never tell your kids what she should be....they will waste their life pursuing someone else's dream considering their own.
4. Indians are fearful. Why is there sarkari Naukri ka bolbala? They know they won't get fired. We are so used to with safety. Let me sya that... PLAYING IT ALL SAFE HAS ITS OWN RISKS. If you remain safe, always tied to rules and routines.....you can never know what it feels like to have an adventure, risks have their own fun....it's beautiful to call and get up..... it's unnatural to never fall....embrace risks and do things that was uncertain, be rebel. Choose... Unconventional paths.....choose risky and hard path.....you will miss out on so much in life if you keep chasing safety......go out in the world....fail...fail again but never fera..... failing is beautiful.....never chase certainly....it will take colours out of your life..... nothing like certainty exists....life is uncertain....embrace that. we don't take much risks that's why there are less people interested in business in india and our economy can't grow with there will be job seekers more than job givers. a nation needs businessmen to grow it's economy.

Thank you for reading....if you are wondering what I want to be....I think i want to be a Ui/UX design (freelance) or i want to do business....or probably both. I am still exploring. Btw, we had to do mandatory internship in 4th sem and we can choose a coursera course for that and currently I am doing a coursera course regarding ui ux design and digital marketing. Yeah, now you know how I got interested. Btw, I am still 19 and still growing and learning. I haven't told my parents yet about the decision...I don't want to give them a heart attack.....they nurtured the dream so delicately....I can see the charm in their eyes every time they talk about it.....they never understand the discussion i take life....nor support me....they still think i am a kid and not capable of taking decision of my life....I will let them remain delusional and fake that I am still a UPSC aspirant and will reveal my actual career path once I start earning money.

ADIOS..... SPREAD PEACE AND LOVE 💕

TLDR

I was kinda brainwashed by parents to pursue upsc....thought it was my dream...it was not....I was obsessed.....watched hell lot of upsc talks in my life from 9th grade.. bought upsc books after 12th...I was damn obsessed......got irritated with upsc.... Did of prep and during vacations....started having strong realisations...you can read the pointers and have a decision nd put forward your points..... understood that I hated chasing....quit upsc.....but haven't told parents.... don't want to give them a shock....changed by career path to design or business.....living much more happy healthy life...

Hi....I am currently in my undergrad final year. I want to teach psychology to cbse class 11th and 12th students. Talking about my qualifications, I got 94% in class 12th. I was the school and district topper as well. You can get a demo lecture for free and if you like it, you can take more classes. You can comment below if you are interested.