u/Additional_Care_2099

I’ve (26M) been in a committed relationship with my wife (25F) for 8 years, and married for 2 of those years.

I’ve had fantasies of same-sex encounters since I was a teenager, but suppressed them for most of my life and presented as a cis-het man for all of our relationship. We married young, and I had no previous sexual partners before we got together, so at times I’ve felt really sexually inexperienced in our relationship. She’s asexual and doesn’t have interest in sex often, even though there have been times when her libido was higher and she would initiate more.

I told her about my fantasies, gay porn that I would watch, and that I used dildos several years ago but never thought it would become real until a few months ago and she always thought of me as 100% straight. While on a stressful work trip, I went through a mental health breakdown which ended in a sexual encounter with another man, that occurred without my consent.

Afterwards, I knew I had to tell my wife, but waited a month to process what happened while I found a therapist because I was afraid and didn’t know if it was sexual assault. We talked extensively about what happened, and I’m having to undo a lot of shame around putting myself in such a compromising position, while she is still grappling with what happened and what it means for us. When I first told her, she told me that we would get divorced if I define as bisexual which caused a lot of hesitation/fear for me, and since then she’s been back and forth between being supportive, angry, or thinking I’m just ‘confused’.

She also sees the situation as me cheating with intention, but I see it as both infidelity to hold myself accountable and sexual assault and wish she had more compassion for me than to throw it at me in arguments, but I recognize that she’s hurting too.

To make things worse, a few years ago she asked for an open relationship and I said no because I was afraid it would cause us to break up and she wanted the freedom to explore but I wanted monogamy. I still want monogamy and a healthy, secure relationship with her, yet am torn bc of the shock at what happened and later conversations about her wanting revenge or to cheat back with someone she really likes even though the experience I had was really negative and unwanted.

I’m beginning to accept myself as bi, but have struggled with processing what happened, the thoughts that my wife has of me, and the changing view that I have of my sexuality. I recently came out to one close friend who is an older mentor of mine who I knew had a similar experience to get support as a safe space, and my wife took it really personal and was super embarrassed for someone to know anything about what happened. I wouldn’t tell anyone else outside of that person, and struggle with the idea of anyone even remotely knowing what happened outside of my wife, mentor, and therapist.

I’ve been in therapy for the past few weeks, and am starting EMDR to process what happened in a few days but am really scared of what it may open up for me. I don’t want things between me and my wife to change but they already have and I’m just really afraid I completely ruined our marriage.

I’m hoping that this group could offer support as even months after the encounter, I still feel in shock, and feel lost without a community or other people in my life I feel are safe to talk to because of the element of potential sexual assault, and the stigma of expressing my sexuality as a bisexual man openly while being married to my wife, who I still love.

I’m looking for advice in repairing with her, tips on how I can be more of a loving and understanding partner in a mixed orientation marriage, and ways that I can better understand myself and move on from what happened without shaming myself for my sexual identity.

I’ve (26M) been in a committed relationship with my wife (25F) for 8 years, and married for 2 of those years.

I’ve had fantasies of same-sex encounters since I was a teenager, but suppressed them for most of my life and presented as a cis-het man for all of our relationship. We married young, and I had no previous sexual partners before we got together, so at times I’ve felt really sexually inexperienced in our relationship. She’s asexual and doesn’t have interest in sex often, even though there have been times when her libido was higher and she would initiate more.

I told her about my fantasies, gay porn that I would watch, and that I used dildos several years ago but never thought it would become real until a few months ago and she always thought of me as 100% straight. While on a stressful work trip, I went through a mental health breakdown which ended in a sexual encounter with another man, that occurred without my consent.

Afterwards, I knew I had to tell my wife, but waited a month to process what happened while I found a therapist because I was afraid and didn’t know if it was sexual assault. We talked extensively about what happened, and I’m having to undo a lot of shame around putting myself in such a compromising position, while she is still grappling with what happened and what it means for us. When I first told her, she told me that we would get divorced if I define as bisexual which caused a lot of hesitation/fear for me, and since then she’s been back and forth between being supportive, angry, or thinking I’m just ‘confused’.

She also sees the situation as me cheating with intention, but I see it as both infidelity to hold myself accountable and sexual assault and wish she had more compassion for me than to throw it at me in arguments, but I recognize that she’s hurting too.

To make things worse, a few years ago she asked for an open relationship and I said no because I was afraid it would cause us to break up and she wanted the freedom to explore but I wanted monogamy. I still want monogamy and a healthy, secure relationship with her, yet am torn bc of the shock at what happened and later conversations about her wanting revenge or to cheat back with someone she really likes even though the experience I had was really negative and unwanted.

I’m beginning to accept myself as bi, but have struggled with processing what happened, the thoughts that my wife has of me, and the changing view that I have of my sexuality. I recently came out to one close friend who is an older mentor of mine who I knew had a similar experience to get support as a safe space, and my wife took it really personal and was super embarrassed for someone to know anything about what happened. I wouldn’t tell anyone else outside of that person, and struggle with the idea of anyone even remotely knowing what happened outside of my wife, mentor, and therapist.

I’ve been in therapy for the past few weeks, and am starting EMDR to process what happened in a few days but am really scared of what it may open up for me. I don’t want things between me and my wife to change but they already have and I’m just really afraid I completely ruined our marriage.

I’m hoping that this group could offer support as even months after the encounter, I still feel in shock, and feel lost without a community or other people in my life I feel are safe to talk to because of the element of potential sexual assault, and the stigma of expressing my sexuality as a bisexual man openly while being married to my wife, who I still love.

I’m looking for advice in repairing with her, tips on how I can be more of a loving and understanding partner in a mixed orientation marriage, and ways that I can better understand myself and move on from what happened without shaming myself for my sexual identity.

I’ve (26M) been in a committed relationship with my wife (25F) for 8 years, and married for 2 of those years.

I’ve had fantasies of same-sex encounters since I was a teenager, but suppressed them for most of my life and presented as a cis-het man for all of our relationship. We married young, and I had no previous sexual partners before we got together, so at times I’ve felt really sexually inexperienced in our relationship. She’s asexual and doesn’t have interest in sex often, even though there have been times when her libido was higher and she would initiate often.

I told her about my fantasies, gay porn that I would watch, and that I used dildos several years ago but never thought it would become real until a few months ago and she always thought of me as 100% straight. While on a stressful work trip, I went through a mental health breakdown which ended in a sexual encounter with another man, that occurred without my consent.

Afterwards, I knew I had to tell my wife, but waited a month to process what happened while I found a therapist because I was afraid and didn’t know if it was sexual assault. We talked extensively about what happened, and I’m having to undo a lot of shame around putting myself in such a compromising position, while she is still grappling with what happened and what it means for us. When I first told her, she told me that we would get divorced if define as bisexual which caused a lot of hesitation/fear for me, and since has been back and forth between being supportive, angry, or thinking I’m just ‘confused’.

She also sees the situation as me cheating with intention, but I see it as both infidelity and sexual assault and wish she had more compassion for me than to throw it at me in arguments, but recognize that she’s hurting too.

To make things worse, a few years ago she asked for an open relationship and I said no because I was afraid of it would cause us to break up and she wanted the freedom to explore but I wanted monogamy. I still want monogamy and a healthy, secure relationship with her, yet am torn bc of the shock at what happened and later conversations about her wanting revenge or to cheat back with someone she really likes even though the experience I had was really negative and unwanted.

I’m beginning to accept myself as bi, but have struggled with processing what happened, the thoughts that my wife has of me, and the changing view that I have of my sexuality. I recently came out to one close friend who is an older mentor of mine who I knew had a similar experience to get support as a safe space, and my wife took it really personal and was super embarrassed for someone to know anything about what happened. I wouldn’t tell anyone else outside of that person, and struggle with the idea of anyone even remotely knowing what happened outside of my wife, mentor, and therapist.

I’ve been in therapy for the past few weeks, and am starting EMDR to process what happened soon but am really scared of what it may open up for me. I don’t want things between me and my wife to change but they already have and I’m just really afraid I completely ruined our marriage.

I’m hoping that this group could offer support as even months after the encounter, I still feel in shock, and feel lost without a community or other people in my life I feel are safe to talk to because of the element of potential sexual assault, and the stigma of expressing my sexuality as a bisexual man openly while being married to my wife, who I still love.

I’m looking for advice in repairing with her, tips on how I can be more of a loving and understanding partner in a mixed orientation marriage, and ways that I can better understand myself and move on from what happened without shaming myself for my sexual identity.