My (23F) ex (30M) became my bestfriend but it’s still weird, how can I fix this ?
I’ve known my friend for almost three years. We met on Tinder, and our relationship was very intense physically at first (he was my first), but eventually things became complicated and he no longer wanted to commit. Over time, our relationship turned into a very close, almost fusion-like friendship. At the time I was in love with him, so I cut contact for three months, moved on emotionally, and then he came back anyway because leaving hurt him too much.
Now we’re extremely close friends. We call each other every day, help each other, work together sometimes, and genuinely care about each other. He’s almost like a big brother to me now. But despite that, there’s still a certain awkwardness on his side sometimes.
For example, he once cancelled a small road trip we were supposed to do together because he told me he’d be meeting childhood friends there, and that if I was around he “wouldn’t be himself” and wouldn’t feel comfortable. I found that strange, but I didn’t say anything.
Sometimes we work far away, so he offers to let me sleep at his place to make things easier. I sleep on the couch, not with him, but he often makes borderline jokes or sexual jokes “for fun.” That’s just part of his personality, so I try not to take it personally. But at the same time, whenever he realizes how close we are, he suddenly becomes defensive and says things like “I’m not your boyfriend” or “We’re not married, you know” when I ask for certain things.
The weird part is that I’m actually the one reassuring him. I tell him we’re not a couple, that he’s free to do whatever he wants, and that I care about our friendship and don’t want to lose it over misunderstandings. I’ve already reassured him multiple times that I’m not in love with him anymore, that I’m seeing other people, and that I genuinely believe we can keep this friendship because we’re good together.
I know he’s very attached to me, but I feel like he’s still convinced that deep down I want more, like before. So he keeps throwing things like “I’m not your boyfriend” or “we’re never going to end up together” in my face, even though I’m not asking for that at all. He’s the one who asks to see me, talk to me, call me, invite me over, etc.
Aside from that, I adore him. We laugh a lot together, he’s helped me through difficult things, and I really value him. But how do I get rid of this awkward tension? At work, I once caught him very obviously staring at a girl’s ass, and later during our break I teased him about it because I genuinely found it funny and wanted him to know I didn’t care. But he immediately became defensive and said, “No, I never did that, I was probably just looking at an outfit I liked.” Meanwhile I was literally just joking around and trying to make things lighter.
So my question is: what can I do to make this friendship feel more fluid and natural? This is honestly the only thing ruining it. There’s always this underlying tension between us. We’re obviously still physically attracted to each other ( I could feel it when I stayed at his place ), We’re not physically affectionate at all anymore, not even hugs. And when I stayed at his place, he tried to initiate physical contact and kept finding ways to be close to me, but I shut it down because I’m scared that sleeping together again would ruin everything.
What confuses me is that he previously told me he only saw me as a friend now and nothing more. So is he contradicting himself? but for me that’s not necessarily a problem. I think we can still have our friendship while also meeting other people separately. I just don’t know how to make things evolve into something calmer and healthier.