u/Actual-Green-6306

Anytime I wanna kms my brain makes me feel like I have to do some sort of mission.

For context, I have literally 0 reason to be alive. I feel like this is a side effect of living even tho I would kms right now.

My brain gives me missions like I should run away from home, live illegally in the woods, move to a different country, build a cob house.

Whatever else. Seems like it changes every 3 months and at the time it seems like the best idea in the world.

Idk whatever else I came up with… I guess it always mostly has a common theme of me leaving my situation.

Working a job is probably the most humiliating and miserable thing you can do.

I don’t think there’s anything in this world I can buy or get with money that would make getting a job worth it.

People could buy homes more easily.

People could rent apartments for very cheap and they could live alone.

There was lots of jobs.

I want to be obsessed with something. Something that isn’t on phones or computer.

Something I can spend 16 hours a day on. Something I can go crazy about.

I think it’s working.

I figure honey is the most cheap and healthiest form of sugar. And a plus is, I can just drink it straight up (I don’t drink a lot prob just 1 spoonful each time) so it’s very convenient.

Where if I’m going to be together with someone, I want to be the most important person in their life, just how they are to me.

I’m just so tired of dating and then they always seem to be way more attached to their friends than me.

Like this one person said “when I move out I’ll probably get my friends to be my roommates” like I didn’t even exist…

I just want to be as important to someone as I am to them.

But that would be impossible, because everyone already has friends and I have none.

I just discovered jazz music.

I probably will never tell anyone this cuz idk it sounds embarrassing.

I just like how jazz music is music but without the annoying words.

I like having music to stop my thoughts but with regular music the words in the music just bring on thoughts themselves.

I was all alone so why I not. I sat for 15 mins outside and it was very sunny.

I feel like the sun is very good for us. It’s really unfortunate that I live in a location that has brutal winters 6 months of the year… it’s almost like what’s the point in having a good habit of going in the sun if you can only do it half the year…

It’s on sourdough bread.

Also for reference I have been drinking 3 to 4 cups of milk a day for a year now and haven’t gotten sick of it.

Yogurt everyday too, haven’t gotten sick of it.

Corn pops. A lot of of corn pop.

What else am I supposed to eat????? Almost everything else requires cooking.

Damn. I at least have food and water.

People are working in the bathroom so I can’t pee 😔

I did buy a female stand to pee device for camping (I was never going to go lol). It’s like a funnel for women to pee standing up. Only tried it once tho in the shower it worked very well despite getting pee on my shoes (from the pee hitting the ground and splashing).

I only have 1 sandwich ziplock bag 💔 and then I have a protein shake that’s full so I can drink that and then use it.

Life feels dreadful and empty.

It feels like never ending responsibilities.

Even if I had 10 millions dollars I’d feel the same.

I don’t like being alive I don’t understand why people like it.

So I can tape it or something to my body and then I would like to set it for around 20 minutes before I wake up so I can experience an in dream orgasm.