u/Ace-Of-Ink_Tattoo

I have drug induced psychosis. Last year I was formally diagnosed and I have never understood the condition. The last 6 months have been strange. I have become a shell of my former self, things I once enjoyed now have no meaning to my life. What was once joyful is now numb and meaningless...Why?

I have always had a hard life. Now I know everyone uses that excuse but I really have had it hard. I was forbidden from coming home at 16 because my stepdad didn't want me there, as many in a similar situation did, I turned to drug at a young age. 16 was not when it started it is when it got bad. I have been smoking weed since 12, I did my first line of ket at 13, my first acid trip at 14 and it only got heavier. I am thankfully free from the cycle of use. I smoke weed regularly to keep my thoughts at ease which I know is not helping me.

I am 23 years old, Male. My life feel like it has been a shambles. Every day I feel a little bit further from who I once was. My thoughts and feelings are slowly feeling like they belong to me less and less. I am in a 4 year relationship with a woman I have no feelings for in any way. I don't dislike her, nor do I love her. She is just there. My family and friends, while in my heart hold a special place, have no moral value to me. Am I going crazy?

I fantasise over the thought of death. It helps me sleep at night imagining myslef in a life threatening condition, its the only thing I find comfort in that i have found. Is this normal for someone with my condition? I admire the idea of death, I am not suicidal nor would i act apon any idealisations, but I think about it all the time.

It feels like my brain and soul are empty, but I still have the consciousness to realise it. Existential dread fills my life. Please can somebody give me some guidance?

Tomorrow, I am seeing the love of my life for what could be the last time.

Things have always been complicated between me and J, time has never been on our side and things haven't worked out in the past. I last reached out to her last year around November to tell her I made a mistake moving away all those years ago and not getting the chance to be with her. She surprised me and told me she felt the same way. I told her about the situation I was in with my ex and how I had ended up homeless and living in her parents garden shed. But she saw through my scummy living situation and gave me a chance.

Some time passed and things were going well until I became unwell. I won't get into details as they aren't important but I came down with sepsis over the new year. Obviously I was not in a good way and needed lots of help, and unfortunately the only people around were my ex and her family, who thankfully stepped up to look after me which I very much appreciate as I could have died. During all of this going on, I had not been messaging with J much, as I had very little energy.

I was in and out of the hospital and looking for somewhere to rent for when I'm better, I found a place and organised the documents etc. I asked my ex to pick up the documents for me to sign and take them to the letting office. While doing so she decided to sign her own name onto the tenancy too which I only found out when I first cane to the property In February.

I was too unwell to argue having her there, I just accepted it and I know it was wrong to do so. I just thought to myself, "I need to get better so I can deal with this." Let's just say I am still not better...

Anyways, J found out from a mutual friend that me and my ex were now living together, and understandably she made the decision to cut all communication with me.

It has been 3 months since our last conversation. I reached out to her via her work email, hoping to organise to meet up with her to speak about things and she has agreed. I am overcome with emotions, I am so happy, the girl I spend every day longing for has agreed to see me. But I am also terrified. If she isn't prepared to give me another chance, I understand why. It's just gonna be so tough getting over her...

My girlfriend of 4 years won't let me be alone. Not in a "I want to be around you" kind of way. She needs me to be next to her all of the time. I have recently been trying to get into a few different hobbies to get out more, as all we do is sit indoors all day.

Today she insisted on coming out for a walk with me, which was fine, but I wanted to go for a long walk alone around our local park and had made that clear to her. She ends up coming anyway .We get about 20 minutes in and she "needed" to go back home because she was getting tired. I walked with her back to the house and asked of it would be okay if I continue walking for a while. To which the answer was "No, you need to stay here with me." I just want to get out of the house for a bit and have some time to myself.

Her behaviour has affected my relationship with family and friends due to her deciding we cannot go out.I have tried addressing her behaviour and asking why she can't be alone and she has not been able to give a good answer other than she wants to be here with me.

I have tired to break up with her multiple times, but she always starts crying and telling me she will kill herself which she knows will stop me from leaving. I can't keep doing this I need to get out of this relationship. How can I go about doing it without her manipulating me into staying?

I've tried to explain this feeling to a lot of people and they have all said they have/do feel the same but I just think it's me not explaining it right... there is no way everyone feels this way.

It's not just feeling detached, I have to actively think about how I want to feel about things otherwise I don't have any reaction, things that used to be compulsive like laughing at things. I have always felt like this and I don't know why, but recently it has definitely gotten worse. People are starting to notice my "emptiness"...

Anyone else had similar experiences?