u/Accurate_Ad_3715

This is really long i’m sorry, but i really could use some advice since i’m in the verge of breakdown.
My boyfriend (31M) and I (27F/ eldest daughter) have been together for almost 5 years ( it’s my second relationship and the first one lasted 1.5y)

Around 2.5 years ago I broke his trust. I deeply regret it and fully understand that it hurt him a lot.

The first year after the incident, I naturally started limiting some things to reassure him: I went out less, avoided certain situations, etc. But I still saw my mixed friend group (basically my only friends + one female friend), still occasionally went to electro parties/festivals, dressed how I wanted, and had even traveled with my friends without him. Things weren’t perfect but still relatively normal.
Then I lost my friend group for a few months because of drama caused by someone who turned us against each other. During that period I barely went out at all. Eventually one of my best friends reached out and we made peace, so I started seeing him occasionally. Then almost a year later I reconciled with the whole group.

That’s when things started feeling different. The first couple birthdays/hangouts were okay, but then conflicts slowly started again: comments about my outfits (including outfits I had worn before without issue), comments about who I was with, what time I came home, etc. Since reconnecting with my friends, it feels like he has become more and more controlling, almost like he got used to my restricted lifestyle when I wasn’t seeing people anymore.

Now I barely see my friends anymore, especially mixed groups. I stopped going to electro parties/festivals even though I love them. I avoid birthdays, nights out, trips etc because almost every outing becomes a source of stress/conflict.

The issue is that even when I adapt, there’s always another problem. If plans change unexpectedly, he assumes I lied from the beginning. If I go out with friends, he questions details and looks for inconsistencies. I now feel anxious before almost every social outing because I know there’s a high chance of conflict before or after.

Recently we had a huge fight because of an outfit for a concert ( i was going with him). I wore loose pants and a backless top. He wanted me to change because according to him the pants were too tight and we were going to an Arab concert with “men he knows”. I said that the pants were normal and i wore them in arab countries and even with my arab family. He kept telling me that they were tight, even tho i responded. After feeling increasingly controlled for months, I snapped and told him he had no right to tell me what to wear.

For him, this was deeply disrespectful and proof that I don’t respect his role/place as a man in the relationship. For me, it felt terrifying because I was already in a previous relationship where I slowly lost my autonomy: I was isolated from friends, couldn’t travel freely, couldn’t dress how I wanted, etc. That relationship traumatized me, and independence/autonomy are extremely important to me.

I’m very self-aware in conflicts and tend to constantly analyze my own role, even when I feel hurt or think something is unfair. I already carry a lot of guilt over my past mistakes, so when he says things like “you ruined this relationship” or “you killed the man in me,” I end up internalizing it and questioning myself deeply.

I feel emotionally exhausted between guilt, fear of abandonment, walking on eggshells and slowly losing confidence in myself. Every conflict now feels like a crisis, and he has even broken up with me instantly before over things like lying about the exact name of a bar because I was scared he’d assume I was dancing/flirting when I genuinely was just sitting at a table with my coworkers that he knows well.

That sudden breakup after 4 years together and living together was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. He later came back and said he forgave me, but never really acknowledged the impact it had on me or how abruptly he ended things. Since then, I feel like I’ve developed a trauma response: whenever we have a conflict and he withdraws, I immediately imagine the worst and experience it as a real breakup, staying in a constant state of alert.

What hurts me most is that many of his reactions are framed as justified consequences of my past mistake, so I feel like his own role in the dynamic is rarely questioned.

Can trust issues realistically become this controlling/anxiety-inducing without the relationship becoming unhealthy? And how do you distinguish rebuilding trust from slowly losing yourself? Do you think there is hope that this relationship will work?

This is really long i’m sorry, but i really could use some advice since i’m in the verge of breakdown.
My boyfriend (31M) and I (27F/ eldest daughter) have been together for almost 5 years ( it’s my second relationship and the first one lasted 1.5y)

Around 2.5 years ago I broke his trust. I deeply regret it and fully understand that it hurt him a lot.

The first year after the incident, I naturally started limiting some things to reassure him: I went out less, avoided certain situations, etc. But I still saw my mixed friend group (basically my only friends + one female friend), still occasionally went to electro parties/festivals, dressed how I wanted, and had even traveled with my friends without him. Things weren’t perfect but still relatively normal.
Then I lost my friend group for a few months because of drama caused by someone who turned us against each other. During that period I barely went out at all. Eventually one of my best friends reached out and we made peace, so I started seeing him occasionally. Then almost a year later I reconciled with the whole group.

That’s when things started feeling different. The first couple birthdays/hangouts were okay, but then conflicts slowly started again: comments about my outfits (including outfits I had worn before without issue), comments about who I was with, what time I came home, etc. Since reconnecting with my friends, it feels like he has become more and more controlling, almost like he got used to my restricted lifestyle when I wasn’t seeing people anymore.

Now I barely see my friends anymore, especially mixed groups. I stopped going to electro parties/festivals even though I love them. I avoid birthdays, nights out, trips etc because almost every outing becomes a source of stress/conflict.

The issue is that even when I adapt, there’s always another problem. If plans change unexpectedly, he assumes I lied from the beginning. If I go out with friends, he questions details and looks for inconsistencies. I now feel anxious before almost every social outing because I know there’s a high chance of conflict before or after.

Recently we had a huge fight because of an outfit for a concert ( i was going with him). I wore loose pants and a backless top. He wanted me to change because according to him the pants were too tight and we were going to an Arab concert with “men he knows”. I said that the pants were normal and i wore them in arab countries and even with my arab family. He kept telling me that they were tight, even tho i responded. After feeling increasingly controlled for months, I snapped and told him he had no right to tell me what to wear.

For him, this was deeply disrespectful and proof that I don’t respect his role/place as a man in the relationship. For me, it felt terrifying because I was already in a previous relationship where I slowly lost my autonomy: I was isolated from friends, couldn’t travel freely, couldn’t dress how I wanted, etc. That relationship traumatized me, and independence/autonomy are extremely important to me.

I’m very self-aware in conflicts and tend to constantly analyze my own role, even when I feel hurt or think something is unfair. I already carry a lot of guilt over my past mistakes, so when he says things like “you ruined this relationship” or “you killed the man in me,” I end up internalizing it and questioning myself deeply.

I feel emotionally exhausted between guilt, fear of abandonment, walking on eggshells and slowly losing confidence in myself. Every conflict now feels like a crisis, and he has even broken up with me instantly before over things like lying about the exact name of a bar because I was scared he’d assume I was dancing/flirting when I genuinely was just sitting at a table with my coworkers that he knows well.

That sudden breakup after 4 years together and living together was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. He later came back and said he forgave me, but never really acknowledged the impact it had on me or how abruptly he ended things. Since then, I feel like I’ve developed a trauma response: whenever we have a conflict and he withdraws, I immediately imagine the worst and experience it as a real breakup, staying in a constant state of alert.

What hurts me most is that many of his reactions are framed as justified consequences of my past mistake, so I feel like his own role in the dynamic is rarely questioned.

Can trust issues realistically become this controlling/anxiety-inducing without the relationship becoming unhealthy? And how do you distinguish rebuilding trust from slowly losing yourself? Do you think there is hope that this relationship will work?