I’m in ty rn, and I plan on doing an apprenticeship but incase that doesn’t work out should I keep doing french? I’m so shit at it but my mom is lowk making me pick it. Do I need it to get into college?
(I just finished writing this and I want to apologise before you read this bc it’s gna be all over the place)
I honestly don’t know if this is the right place to post this and idk if anyone cares but I just want to tell it to anyone,
Idk where to start with this one, im sorry if this seems dramatic to some people on this because im aware that so many people experience much worse but im just so fed up with dealing with everything
To make everything super duper quick,
Im 16 (f) I’ve had eating disorders continuously since I was 14, (I’m extremely tired of this and I don’t know how to fix it I feel like I fucked up my body forever, so I will never ever eat normal)
I’ve been abused emotionally and physically by my parents ever since I was like 7 or so, but in the last few years it has gotten extremely worse, I am constantly in distress in my home, I don’t have anxiety but I am super anxious outside and in school, I also have autism, nothing crazy or like noticable but it definitely effects my emotions,
I am sosososo SO bad at managing them and (BRUH not trying to sound like one of those autistic people on TikTok) but I always end up hurting myself or destroying the things around me, I have (very few) chopped ass scars on my legs and arms from when I was 14,
I always end up going to forms of self harm when I’m angry or feel such a heavy amount of sadness because I’d rather take it out on myself rather than someONE else or someTHING else,
when I was 8 years old I used to throw my head against walls, after I calmed down a bit and got more used to the way I was treated I just ended up scratching myself, I would do it non stop until my arms were raw. When I was 14 I began cutting myself and kinda all the other ones, I wasnt influenced by TikTok or SPHE in school, it was just my usual antics taken a step too far,
around the time I turned 14 I began hanging out with older kids in my school and ended up taking drugs very very often, and I became a victim to the spice epidemic 😭😭 (idk if that’s what its actually called, but it’s what we call some weird ass fake mix of drugs that is sold as thc or hhc but it’s just like totally fucked nobody knows whats in it rlly)
I was also sexually assaulted by a boy I knew but I never said anything to my mom or guardí so now I think it’s too late to get anything done about it
Anyways, ugh Idk this sounds so little and so stupid now that I’m writing it down, but to me it’s so so much to deal with everyday of my life, I feel like everyone in my home hates me yet the thought of killing myself makes me so upset bc I feel so bad for my parents??? They treat me like shit yet I feel so horrible just imagining them mourning me for the rest of their lives, I think they would live the rest of their lives just like miserable.
I doubt this is worth saying but I have a good social life in school, I’m quite popular and I have a good friends and I never feel like I can express or explain to them how I feel because I don’t Want people to know that I feel like this, and if I did tell anyone I doubt they would beleive me, I feel like they would just assume I’m lying for clout or sum
I’m actually sobbing typing this out I just hate my life but I hate the thought of just giving up, I know it’s supposed to get better but I don’t think I can wait any longer,
sometimes I feel like everything that’s wrong in my life is the fact that I’m so upset by everything like if I don’t let anything upset me it’ll be fine but I don’t work like that, I feel my emtions so heavily and I feel anger at the top of my head and behind my eyes and it drives me so so insane and I just start bashing my head with my fists or slamming everything.
Every day of my life I think about killing myself, I geneuinly do want to, I really do but I keep waiting for something to magically change but I don’t have the patience to do it, I’ve never ever attempted before but I have done research because I don’t want a long death, I don’t mind pain but I don’t want it to take too long.
Bruh I need to stop crying rn or all my eyelashes are gonna come off and I’m to lazy to fix them so I’m gna stop typing, sorry if anyone actually read all this I’m kinda rlly bad at explaining things😭😭