u/AbnormallyGrey6824

I’m starting the summer semester and it’s my very first time ever going to college so I’m very nervous, I don’t have any friends and I’ve been out of school for about 2 years so I’ve basically forgotten everything including how to socialize and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!! I’ve never had a friend before so I’m pretty shy and I think more than I talk but I really want to enjoy the “college experience” so if anyone can relate or just wants to be friends hit me up! I’m a 19yo female, I like to read, I like to cook and bake, I like thrifting (when I have the money so not often), and I’m majoring in business. I’m not looking to spend a lot of money because I’m currently unemployed. I’m primarily focused on self improvement and I do not have any social media other than Reddit.

Sorry if this is too long but I’d really appreciate some input!

I was in a 7 month relationship 9 months ago, I’m constantly replaying the memories and questioning whether it was even rape. I used to shake and cry every night but now I stay up all night wondering if I’m just overreacting and making things worse in my head. I was 18, he was 28, I had just turned 18 four days before we started talking. It was my first relationship. We had sex multiple rounds every day, I initiated a lot of the time because sex was honestly the only time we felt like a couple. Sex was the only time he wouldn’t ignore me so I had sex with him even when I didn’t want to because I thought I was supposed to and I just wanted to feel loved. I made it clear that I was an alcoholic in recovery when we started dating, he actually supported me for a while but then he started buying alcohol to “test me” and he never really drank, just smoked a lot of pot. I’d get blackout drunk a lot, I could barely walk or talk but he told me I initiated sex whenever I got drunk but I could never remember any of it and the last thing I remember was passing out and then he’d tell me about the sex we had when I woke up. There was this time when I was drunk but I was sober enough to remember, I was on the floor and he was on top of me and we started having sex but I wanted to stop, I told him to stop and he kept going, I told him to get off of me and tried pushing him off but he was too heavy and kept going and I could barely breathe because he put all of his weight on me. After he finished I got up and cried in the bathroom while he slept, in the morning I spoke up about it and he blamed me and played victim but he mentioned that he heard me saying no but didn’t think I was being serious and called it a misunderstanding. I stayed with him for months after this, I didn’t yell or scream, he wasn’t violent, and we had sex so frequently so can I even call it rape or am I overreacting?