u/Abject_Log_9984

im going through a very rough breakup and have done multiple readings on my ex, there are always themes of going through a period of moving on/period of regret but in the end NO MATTER WHAT. the 4 of wands shows up as the final card, its haunting me in my readings about my ex, whether its reconciliation or anything it always ends with some action towards the 4 of wands, and a theme of healing before that, could i have your interpretations? i see it as a very strong sign for reconciliation, i just dont know when it is. last time it was the magician, wheel of fortune and 4 of wands after cards signalling moving on or working on themselves.

im ashamed of myself and hurt that i have to be put through so much pain for loving someone, i look at myself in the mirror and see myself crying multiple times a day, shoving food in my mouth and not being able to get out of bed and feel ashamed of myself for letting myself be this broken after everything ive endured throughout my life, ive been through harder shit unphased but it somehow hurts the most to be discarded after loving someone for the first time and letting myself be loved for the first time as they go on focusing on their life, its unfair.

i feel angry, ashamed of myself for chasing and obsessing over him, i feel ashamed that im so hurt i have to vent on fucking reddit over my heartbreak, i feel angry at him and i cant stop being frustrated with myself with all these attempts to make myself feel good all falling back to tears and sadness everytime.

(hes a fearful avoidant) in my last message i said that i once said to him that id always be here and that i keep my promises and that im not a person that can ignore people like him so that if he ever feels happy id be here,

did i ruin any and all chances of reconciling by giving him this availability and ego boost? its too late to delete or change anything as im maintaining no contact

hi so i just got broken up with my boyfriend about a few weeks ago, he was my first love, the boy i lost my virginity to and my first everything in terms of love, we had went through a rough patch where we went on a break but for the break he gave me no time frame and ignored my messages throughout the break so i made the mistake of showing up to his house unprompted and called his friend to talk because i was so anxious and i knew i was getting ignored, following this action of mine, he broke up with me through text and after a few weeks i apologized to him asking to try and fix things and he agreed and he typed a long apology about how he was the one to ruin things because he prompted a break and didnt give me any control whatsoever and ignored me and how he wanted to fix things and how much he loved me yadda yadda yadda. 4 days later we are going good and hes on the bus back to my city where once hes back we are going to talk things face to face at his request so we can fix things, during that i was drunk and trying to plan when we were going to meet up and as we were planning our meet up, he out of nowhere breaks up with me over text again “i know you didnt hurt me i know its my fault at everything about how much i hurt you and how much i hurt myself, i know this is going to hurt you even more but i dont want to fix things”. i was in shock so i blurted out every insult at him i could think of rightfully, calling him avoidant, and after that he just said goodbye and ended it, ever since that even tho i was in the right i tried things to get closure or to get a single ounce of accountability like asking him to meet up once i was in his campus, sending closure texts, love letters to get any reaction but its to no avail and all getting ignored as i am crying my eyes out every single day because he was the first boy i have ever felt this loved by, yesterday i called his friend and talked with his friend because once again i went crazy and couldnt maintain no contact and his own friend had to give me advice on how to get over a break up and called me out for trying to contact him, contact his friends and how i made a mistake on going to his house etc but still understanding that i was hurt deeply.

his friend said she would tell him to atleast give me accountability or closure on this but that if he says no, shes not going to force him.

i feel like i am going insane, i look obsessive, psychotic but it hurts to see the boy who used to love me as i was discard me like i am nothing.

im afraid i ruined any chances of us reuniting and i dont even know if he is ever going to give me accountability after his friend asks him to because i dont know if he will retreat further because i once again over reached.