I want it all to end.
Before anything, I need to mention that I am nearing 17 and am about to do my IGCSEs in four days. I hope this shows how much this thing has been weighing on my mind, and it’s quite frankly ripping me apart.
There was a time we used to live a decent life- not luxurious - but enough. I was too young to value those blessings. It is now torture to look back as those blurry memories.
When I became 10 everything started falling apart. My dad stopped working because of the covid-19, and afterward everything became better, he continued to not work.
Let me tell you our situation now. No we don’t have a car or any vehicle. My father can barely afford basic necessities such as clothes and food. He finds it hard to pay for me and my sibling’s education. Hell, even printing worksheets is a trial for him. We are down to two single phones- the only devices in the house. And let me tell you that they are borrowed.
As time passes, everything is deteriorating slowly by slowly. The printer, the iPad, the laptop, all gone. The fridge and washing machine in horrible condition. It’s pathetic really.
And too top it all of, all my dad is doing is watching the damn phone like his life depends on it.
Wallahi, I am scared. I have no idea what to do. I’ve already struggled to study in these conditions. Idk how he is going to afford university at this point.
Because alhamdulilah, one of the things I have is good memory. I don’t want to just quit after alevels. I wanna study and get a job and be what my father wasn’t. But none of those will happen without being able to afford it.
He didn’t even let us about the financial situation. I got it from my mom venting to me about it.
I don’t know. My duas arent working on this. It’s a horrible pattern. I ask sincerely for a while tears and all. Then I lose hope, feel like it’s hopeless and it’s slowly stops. Then I start asking again and the cycle resumes.
This has been how it was for these 6 years.
Im really really scared. Is Allah angry at me? Why is everything becoming more and more difficult rather than easy? I am sick of everything.
I wish it would all end.