Looking for some support, advice for this situation.
Apologies for the long post. Still fresh, and need help.
Broke up not too long ago. Don’t feel too happy, but knowing she didn’t actually have any care to give me … helped I guess? But the months of cheating and lying and gaslighting me about how much they loved me - that’s something else. I was going to see how things go, help them fight their demons and support them … but they didn’t care and discarded me early in the morning like it was nothing. That was what hurt the most. That after my giving, they didn’t care not care enough to break up with me kindly ie face to face. My family was just getting to love them too, and after our last vacation I was starting to think she will become a part of mine. But oh well.
I am happy to say I’m accepted it at this point. I would have preferred she not have turned abusive and used me while leading me on. Especially when she knew I was abandoned before. Now I’m getting on and at the same time..
Cycles of grief are a bitch. Class attendance has been fucked. So I’m dealing with the consequences of my highs and lows. Currently experiencing lows because my head is fucked up. I gave up too much into the relationship that I neglected myself, and so now that I’m actually feeling more like myself again my head attacks me with really intense counter stuff that eats up a lot of my day and leaves me feeling very negative. Even now. It can leave me frozen for a while.
Even when I’m becoming myself again - it can be jarring
ADD + sprinkle of ‘tism doesn’t help. But at least I’m self aware, so HAH
I do have hope, but I fear being on the verge of sabotage. It scares me. I haven’t been self delete-y in 4 years, but I’m worried about thoughts of punishing myself. For letting this emotional drag go on for so long, and letting myself be exhausted for the idea of someone who’s been hinting at getting their rocks off somewhere else. Who verbally abused me and played these hot and cold days….it made me feel like a whore tbh. Like I was performing for them in everything and they were like “NEXT! Out with this garbage”
I wish they had ended it so we could be friends in the sense that we love each other enough to still want be supports
Idk turned out to be a very rotten branch in the end. Still wish the best, but also, could ya have MAYBE thrown this grenade in the room well BEFORE I had finals
TLDR: after the breakup, despite accepting it and becoming more positive, I’m scared my grief is going to sabotage me and make me spiral down into a very dark place I don’t want to go back to.
Can anyone relate? I do have strong supports, but need help. I need advice. I don’t want to succumb to tapping out.