u/A1_astral

PRE WARNINGS:

Mentions of highly sexual thoughts, offing thoughts. A lotta thoughts 💔💔💔

Before I start this, sorry if i come off as an idiot because idk what’s wrong with me if there is. But no one ever tells you about the mental stuff, so there could something wrong with me or not. Who knows 🤷

Anything bad in this (mostly intrusive thoughts), I’d like to make clear. I’m not happy with myself and very ashamed of myself. I feel as this is an okay to say something about it, as I feel a lot of the time I can’t speak up about it because it feels it hasn’t been that long.

I know I probably sound cringe as fuck, and also I’m finally in the state to where I can explain it somewhat well and be understanding. So let’s hope I stay like that.

START:

First the mood swings, ugh where do I start. Now I’m going to assume you know what mood swings are. I’ve been getting a lot within an hour or two ish (mainly in school). I’ll go from pretty happy, social, confident, you know that really happy guy who doesn’t have problems with anyone. Then within an hour that feelings gone, I want everyone gone. To be alone, every sound is louder, anything is annoying ever good things. And then there’s where I just want to use everybody, now I know that sounds like i’m a cringe 13 yr old. But what I mean is, you just start thinking. “How can I use this person and for what?” “What benefits do I even get from you?” “How much money does this person make me?” I know it sounds cringe as fuck, but seriously I get that a bit. Lastly I think one most people get is, just wanting to go (you know what i mean). I get this one a bit less but not much less. You know how it is, questioning life, the realisation you get every time. But a lot of the time you don’t do it, sometimes you get close though. With all of these happen like twice of each in every 3/5 schools days. ITS HORRIBLE, honestly I don’t even know who are my friends anymore. Not because of them. Because my thoughts always change I can choose/confused who’s really my friends anymore.

Now intrusive thoughts, these will relate somewhat to the mood swings. I’d like to explain what I believe intrusive thoughts are (correct me if I’m wrong, and I apologise if it is and will change it). Intrusive thoughts are where someone will think horrible, unwanted thoughts without any control of them. But those thoughts stay intrusive, acting on them makes them impulsive thoughts. So now you’re wondering, what thoughts do I get? Sadly It’s a lot of sexual ones. I’m not going into the most detail, because i’m disgusted in myself. But here we go, firstly I just imagine very clear images of anyone (can’t control who) just naked. I’m bisexual just thought i’d add since it sorta explains why it’ll be anybody. The other thought is me doing stuff with those people… Again I’m very ashamed of this but I really don’t know how to get help. Now how the intrusive thoughts tie into the mood swings mainly, is a few intrusive thoughts I did have. Like the using people mood swings, was more of any intrusive thought before. Now it’s just its own thing idk. The intrusive thoughts and mood swings I guess pear well together.

If yk what could actually be wrong with me, if it has a name. Tell me, or a way to get confirmed with whatever it could be. As I don’t really know what to do, and don’t really have much money to spend to find out. If you have any specific questions that could help, PLEASE ask them. If yk what to do to recover please tell me

Idrk what to do about this but i thought i’d talk about it here.

So by the title, I have a big crush on my friend. I don’t really remember when it started, maybe like around middle last term (so march ish). I just find him so damn attractive, and jeez idk how to explain (you understand when you got a big crush).

But for the past few days, my god. The crush has gotten bigger. Now i’ll give some context real quick, we’re in a boys only high school second year there. He looks more feminine than masculine tbh, and the class doesn’t really like him. It’s like my friends became his friends, and i’d say just under half the class is chill with us. But the other half is average NZ highschool annoying kids, i’m pretty sure they all think me and him are dating or something like that.

But I don’t really blame for the thinking me and him are dating. He seems oblivious to it, well mean he was the clingy one but now I think I am.. In PE a last week, we did this game with 2 lines, and we’d all have our hands in the middle then lift when someone runs through. He kept holding my hands, it could be just him joking probably. But 2 things happened today, first in English we gotta sit next to each other and yapped a lot. But also for a while a few times, our arms were on each other (Probably means noting but UGH i love it). But then after school, i was sending a text to a friend of a photo of him. Cause my other friend wanted to know who he was, and he looked at my phone but luckily didn’t see the text. Close but yea, I hope he doesn’t ask about it a lot, but i mean i guess wouldn’t mind if i wanted to tell him.

We’re really good friends and i don’t wanna ruin it, also be embarrassed if he didn’t like me after. Since well all his friends are my good friends in class. And like it’s April, even if he rejects me. I’d rather he do that, than be with someone he doesn’t like. I ain’t that bad of a person to jeez, like i’d be sad but i wouldn’t wanna ruin his life or whatever.

But if he is bi (see what i did there) chance seeing this, well SHIT.

(added note: he’s pansexual, so like I COULD HAVE A SHOT🙏🙏🙏)