It took me 3.5 years to start feeling the grief. I found out I was pregnant 2 days after the death of my grandma. She was my main, or at least most consistent caregiver, as I grew up without a father and had a very bad relationship with my mother. She lived to be 86 years old, and for her birthday two weeks before her death, she said her wish was to join her late husband. Most of her friends died already. It felt selfish to mourn her when she was finally at peace; her health started deteriorating and would’ve made her life a living hell, so she was lucky to go quickly and painlessly. She lifed her full life on her terms. So I told myself I can’t mourn when my grandma is probably at peace and happy.
And now, 3.5 years later, I am going through grief. I miss her so much. Since she left, I had dreams where she’d come to me and tell me she is happy and fine. I remember random snippets of my childhood with my grandma when I’m with my daughter now. I miss her so much. I hope she knew how much I loved her, and how much impact she had on my life.
I mostly remember the breakfast she made me - how she’d cut the sandwich in bite-sized pieces. And how she’d put greek youghurt in a cup instead of letting me eat it from the meal-sized package. I remember how I’d take an afternoon nap in her bedroom (where I had a bad because I spent 2-3 nights a week there) during summer. She didn’t have AC, it’d be extremely hot. But she always insisted I have a blanket over my stomach and lower back. She’d say I have to take care of my kidneys. Even now, I can’t sleep without at least some blanket over my lower back, even if it’s super warm. I remember the warm color of yellow sun and how it hit that bedroom. The smell of old stuff in that room, the sound of owl that lived on a tree outside of her apartment, combined the sound trumpets and pianos from the music school next door. I remember that feeling of safety. Not a care in the world. Not a single thought about tomorrow. Being cared for by my grandma. The sound of surprise and happiness she’d make when I’d come unannounced. I still have a feeling I can just call her. I didn’t delete her number yet and I also know it by heart. I am realising how big of an impact she had on me only now when I’m remembering these things through caring for my daughter. I was close to her and cared for her, spent time with her, but never told her directly “hey you are the reason I had a beautiful childhood, why I was able to feel peace and safety”. I didn’t even realise the impact she had until recently. I do hope she knew it. I love her deeply and miss her so much.