I have a less than ideal relationship with my dad. By saying that I mean I don't have one anymore. I'm 23 now and the last time I saw him in person was when I was 19. One of the last things he's ever said to me in person was "fuck you". For backstory my mom and dad split up when I was very young. I was in therapy at a young age but was manipulated by my grandmother (on my father's side) and my father into writing down false claims about my mother. Which eventually led to them gaining full custody of me. I was probably 12-13 at this time (sorry I don't have a good memory of my childhood) and I would stay with them until eventually leaving at 19.
I experienced what could only be described as my personal hell. I've been through all types of abuse, including but not limited to physical, sexual, financial and psychological. Most of it stems from my years living with them. The worst of it came from my grandmother, who had my dad wrapped around her finger. She could yell at me a certain way that would just overload me with stress and have me pass out. She's probably the only person I'm really scared of as an adult. Anyway getting off topic, back to my dad. In my early childhood from what I could remember he was good. Just a genuine dad. But it seemed to all shift after he gained full custody. Me, my father and my grandmother would end up living together, and it felt like him being in close proximity to her for an extended period of time would just irritate him. And I would be the one to take on most if not all of this irritation, which would come to either verbal or physical abuse. I truly wanted to believe that if we got away from her we might've been able to salvage a relationship but now deep down I just feel that was me making excuses for him. Seeing something in him that I wanted to see. It didn't help either that I was put in homeschool at an early age and I was literally stuck with these people 24/7.
But anyway, at 18 I had gotten my first job. My first time socializing outside of home in years and I was able to meet some friends who helped me through my situation. One of them gave me the courage to stand up and say I'm leaving. It was hard but I got through it. And I haven't seen my dad in 5 years. 6 months after leaving I reconnected with my mom and ended up moving in with her and it's been good. After I moved there my dad sent me a passive aggressive text on Facebook saying something along the lines of (paraphrasing here) "glad you moved in with your mom. I know it's what you've always wanted." And life kinda went on from there. A couple months before my 21st birthday he reached out and we started talking. He sent me some of my stuff that he still had and it went on fine for a little while.
Then my dog died and it kinda broke me. I stopped talking to everyone for a couple weeks. After not hearing from me for a couple weeks he sent me a nasty message on Facebook (about me not talking to him) and I just blocked him right then and there because I wasn't mentally equipped to go through that shit again. Then we flash forward to about 3 hours ago. I start thinking about him and I get a little remorseful about cutting him off. I already live with a lot of regrets in my life and I didn't want him to be one of the things I regret. So I look him up and add him on Facebook. About an hour after I added him he sent this message.
"You chose your family, it was easier for you to go to your mom, your mom got off super easy, she didn't have to do one day of school work with you not saying our lives for perfect because they weren't, on all sides, try to have a relationship with you but you didn't want it, you chose your mother over me, the very person who didn't want to be a parent at the time and you shut me out for what for 5 years, I'm sorry I don't want it and I'm not ready for it so let's reconcile 10 years later that's where I'm at"
And honestly this wrenched my soul. On one hand he's my biological father of course I want to have a good relationship with him but on the other hand I just don't know if it's even worth pursuing at this point. Especially for how he's hurt me, my sister and my mother.
I just honestly don't know what to do in this situation and feel really mentally drained from it. I'm just here posting hoping to get some outside perspective.
Thanks in advance.