u/404error_inlife

Hey, I’m 22M from Kolkata. I’m honestly just looking for someone to talk to and have normal, easy conversations with. Nothing complicated—just genuine chats and seeing where things go.

I’ve been wanting more simple social interaction lately, whether it’s random daily stuff, late-night thoughts, or just passing time with someone chill. I can be a bit of an overthinker sometimes, but I really appreciate comfortable, no-pressure conversations.

I’m into video games—mostly story-driven and immersive ones. I really like games like Cyberpunk 2077, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, Red Dead Redemption 2, and also play more casual or multiplayer stuff depending on my mood. Always down to talk about games or just chill and play something.

I’m open to voice calls once we’re comfortable, but no rush. Just looking for someone around my age who’s easygoing.

If you’re interested, shoot me a text : )

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself that’s starting to affect my mental health.

I tend to gravitate towards people who don’t want me, people who are emotionally unavailable, or people who are just out of reach (distance, timing, etc.) I know it rationally, but I still hold on to the “what if.”

I fall for the person but the idea of them as well, rehashing conversations obsessing over minute things and creating something in my mind that isn’t really there. Meanwhile, they are just living normally....which affects my concentration, mood and overall mental state more than I’d like.

I am trying to get to the bottom of why I’m attracted to unavailable people and how to stop it from affecting me so much.

If anyone has been through this and worked it out, I'd appreciate your view.

So this is going to be a story. Please bear with me.

There is this girl. Let us call her Emily (name changed). I first noticed Emily in grade. We were in the class. I did not even know what a crush was then. I was a quiet kid going about my day.. Something about Emily registered. That specific kind of noticing where you do not yet have language for it. I felt funny in my stomach when I saw Emily. I used to notice Emily from across the classroom. It felt like something out of a dream.

Here is the funny part. In grade our teacher picked us as class representatives. One boy, one girl. First month of school. We even walked to the principals office once with some paperwork. At the time it felt unremarkable. Now it seems absurd.

Emily moved away in grade. Different state. Far away.. Just like that. Gone. No contact. Nothing.

It was after Emily left that I realized Emily had been my first crush. Classic.

Years passed. I took my medical school exams. Started medical school. After the results we reconnected on Instagram. We just talked about things. Nothing romantic nothing friendly. Just a shift from zero to something positive. That is all it was.

Then I started realizing the feelings were not exactly gone.

Emily is incredibly driven. Emily scored high on her entrance exam got into one of the top medical schools on the East Coast. Emily is quiet has this aura about her slightly intimidating until you actually know her. Emily says she does not really have friends. Emily told me she considers her partner her friend. Which honestly is how I think about relationships too.

Now here is where it gets complicated.

Emily recently went through a breakup. Around the time I went through one too. Though I processed mine alone did not really seek consolation from anyone. Just turned inward. Kept moving.

Emily reached out. We started talking more. I became Emilys consolation figure in a way. Listening, being present saying the things hopefully. We started studying on Discord. Video calls. Long conversations. Emily shares things with me. Emily asks about my day unprompted. Emily initiates contact.

I am aware of the dynamic. Emily is healing. I am the person right now.. I genuinely cannot tell how much of what I feel is a real connection versus old feelings resurfacing in a moment of mutual vulnerability. I even caught myself thinking. Is this a distraction disguised as something deeper?

The practical complications are real too.

We are on coasts. Long distance, as friends let alone anything more. Emily is in a program on the East Coast. So am I on the West Coast. Neither of us has bandwidth to spare. And Emily just came out of a relationship. Emily is nowhere near ready for anything and I know that.

So I am sitting here genuinely puzzled.

I feel calm when I talk to Emily.. Also this underlying pressure. To keep the conversation going to say the right thing, to not mess up something that feels fragile and rare. Some days the emotions hit harder than I expect. I went for a 5-mile run today just to quiet my head.

Here is how far gone I am.. I say this as someone who has zero belief in astrology never has probably never will.

I tried it anyway. I spent an amount of time going through horoscope readings birth chart compatibility analyses, the whole thing. Not because I believe any of it.. Because somewhere in that mess of planetary positions and whatever compatibility scores there was someone telling me the chances were not zero. That the connection was real. The timing was just off, but not permanently.. I needed to hear that from somewhere. Even if that somewhere was a system I fundamentally do not trust.

That is what longing does to you I guess. It makes you look for hope in places you would normally laugh at.

The readings did make me feel better. Temporarily. Which says less about astrology and more about how I wanted someone. Something. To tell me this was not entirely in my head.

Part of me genuinely believes this could mean something. The history, the reconnection the ease between us the fact that Emily texts me on her days. Something in me keeps saying this is not random. That people do not carry someone quietly for years across distance and silence and separate lives without some reason. That maybe the timing being terrible now does not mean the timing will always be terrible.

Then the other part. The more rational more self-protective part. Says do not be an idiot. Emily just had a breakup. You are convenient and safe now. Long distance is brutal even when both people are fully invested. Emily has not shown you anything that could not also just be friendship. You are probably reading into warmth because you want to. And wanting something enough to read Vedic astrology charts at midnight is not evidence that it is going to happen.

Both of those voices feel true at the time. That is the part that's exhausting.

I am also aware that I might be lonelier than I admit. Medical school is isolating in a way that's hard to explain to people outside it. My close friend group is small.. Reconnecting with someone who knew you before all of this. Before the medical school exams and the white coat and the relentless pressure. There is something uniquely comforting about that. Maybe I am confusing comfort for something. Maybe I am not. I genuinely do not know.

What I do know.
The connection feels real. The history is real. The complications are real. The timing is terrible.. I cannot stop thinking about it.

Emily texted me today "What about you?”. Casually after telling me about her day. Ice cream with classmates, Netflix and a needed rest day.. Something about that small ordinary question hit differently than it should have.

I wish someone could make this make sense.

If anyone has been in something old feelings, bad timing, unclear dynamic genuine connection but impossible circumstances. I would genuinely love to hear how it went.. Even just. How you sat with not knowing.

Because that is where I am. Just sitting without knowing.
Longing for it to mean something. Afraid that it does not. Somewhere in the middle of those two feelings trying to be a normal person who goes for runs and studies and does not check his phone every twenty minutes.
Some days that is easier than others.

and yeahh... I used AI to paraphrase this as a whole coz it was too much to write in in my own language......but I assure you its real though haha.....

TLDR: I reconnected with my first crush Emily from school after years apart. We are both in school, on opposite coasts. Emily just had a breakup I am Emilys support person I have feelings I cannot fully name timing is terrible I tried astrology despite not believing in it just to feel hopeful. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.