u/13748483829374

The violence is this world brings me much disdain. Truly, I hate suffering. Damn the finite nature of all things- and the inevitable decay of the wholesome. It truly breaks my heart to hear such things. I get how a person can look like an athlete, or look tough. But, I don’t really understand how a person can look like a serial killer. And, people have said my natural face looks menacing, and have even said my visage resembles photographs the media releases after a terrible crime is committed.

I would rather be called ugly 1000x. This is probably why people don’t want to come around me, or look away when I look at them. I even told a family member of this, and they confirmed that I do have an unsettling look that scares people. They pretty much told me to just go move up north, because “people get away with it easier there.” Honestly, this hurts me more than it probably should. I’ve felt otherness and loneliness my entire life, and this has just reinforced it. When I look naturally, they say it looks menacing. When I smile, they say I look deranged. It makes me not want to go out or be seen in public anymore.

I’ve also released the way there are many “types” that a partner can have. Some like masculinity, others like softer men. Some like nerdy guys, some like tall men, and others like short men. Attraction is not a one size fits all.

But nobody wants a partner they’re afraid of. Honestly, the fact that people really think they can gauge someone’s evil just by their appearance is enough to make want to give up. It’s got me tangled up in a perpetual cycle of overthinking, too. Because now I’m questioning the reason it even cuts me so deeply. Like, maybe it hurts so bad because deep down I’m afraid that I’m actually that way. It makes me feel undeserving of all love, and laden with sorrows.

Please, it is destroying my mental health. But, it is like an addiction. It all started as a coping mechanism when I was 12 years old. I was a late bloomer, but this has long outlived its purpose. I now possess 7.2” so this kink makes no sense anymore. Perhaps it’s tethered more to my relationship with myself than to actual physical size. It’s easy to get lost in, in the moment. But after? I feel truly gutted and sometimes physically sick. It all comes down to feeling safe, and I’ve never had a partner I’ve truly felt safe with, honestly. A part of me feels like being made to feel inadequate is what I deserve. But, I’m whining on and on too much. Really, what I’m asking is how can I rewire my arousal patterns to release to healthy things that are good for me? Truly, I fear this will keep me from ever having a true connection, and it is all so lonely. Again, I’m really sorry to be so over the top. But, it is genuinely ruining my life.