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u/108cowboy

▲ 22 r/dryalcoholics

I’ll have 9 months sober in an hour and I resent my sober life

I don’t regret getting sober when I did because I literally had nothing and was sick all the time. But I think about drinking and smoking weed constantly and how much better I’d feel if I just got a little fucked up. I moved into sober living so the stakes were higher but now I regret it because fuck man, life gets so miserable. And I can’t afford to move right now.

Before you say anything, I went to AA for five years and was miserable the whole time. The philosophy is against the entire fabric of my morality and I simply cannot make it work. Plus I really don’t like how passive they are about actual predators there. And yes, it applies to all of the meetings I’ve been to. Which is a lot.

I’ll be honest my life isn’t terrible I have a decent job and pretty good friends. I got some travel plans coming up and I’ve been able to set aside a little money. But my therapist got booted off of Medicaid and I have no one to talk to about these feelings. I miss being to put substances in my body and not feel anything even just temporarily. Now all I can do is sit in my room and cry like a fucking loser and I hate it. Sure I can try to stay busy but the feelings don’t just go away just because I don’t think about them.

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u/108cowboy — 14 hours ago
▲ 144 r/BoyDinnerDiaries

Spicy chicken bacon ranch pizza from domino’s. It was BOGO.

I’ll spare most of the sob story but as of late suicide has been on my mind a lot. Some of its intrusive, sometimes I entertain the idea and start to plan for it. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. My ex and I told each other everything but we broke up two months ago. My therapist got booted off of Medicaid and all of the other therapists who take Medicaid have crazy long wait lists. I have friends but they don’t really check in on me and I’ve lost friendships before when I talked about my SI. Hotlines and warmlines kind of work only because I get so annoyed by their incompetence that I forget I’m suicidal.

One of the ways I intercept these thoughts is by looking at this sub because I know others have it worse.

That being said, even when I was with my ex, when I had a better job and more money, when my friends remember I exist, when I was in better shape, when I was sober for over a year, when I had a better living situation, when I had a therapist…. I still felt like this. I know it’s selfish. I know there will be a void in many people’s lives after I’m gone. But why don’t we ever tell people we love them while they’re still alive?

I’m too broke to buy a gun and too lazy to try anything else so I guess this world is stuck with me for now. Maybe one day. I’m tired of this life and I don’t see it getting any better bc it never has.

u/108cowboy — 13 days ago