r/lostlove

So back in middle school me and a boy, i’ll call him Carter, and we became friends really quickly due to our quirkiness matching and our realness. We soon helped each other with everything we were each others #1 supporters, going to each other with our issues and questions. I loved him so much but I took him for granted. He was in love with me for years and I just assumed he liked the idea of me. I was there for him too yeah, but if i knew then what i have come to understand know, he’s all that i have ever been looking for in a partner and friend. We talked after middle school over text and ft for a while but then we drifted when I was going through it junior year, although when we did text it wasn’t timely or extremely long conversation. Now we text at christmas and, he’s had a girlfriend for a long time and i’m so happy for him but I miss our closeness, I miss who he is and his energy. I’m not sure what to do or if i can even do anything? I just miss him so much it pains me and i still love him so strongly.

I don't want to think about it/her, I can't help it. I self medicate to try to stop.

We worked together. Had an affair for about 2 and a half years. She was 8 years younger, beautiful, smart, funny, married. She came on to me. I tried to resist since I had a fiance but she was persistent. She said she loved me. We talked about marriage and kids while we snuck around. The sex was by far the best I've ever had, she said the same. Nothing since has come close.

She brought her parents to the office we both worked at to meet me -- they knew we were having an affair.

Her husband found out when she butt dialed him while we talked about her leaving him after we had sex in my truck. She left him, I left my fiance.

She flew me across the country to Savannah to meet her extended family, I spent Xmas with her parents and siblings. She met my Mom, Dad, brother/SIL. I thought we were serious.

Then we started going downhill. She was done with me but wouldn't tell me why. I suspect now she started talking to her ex again, even though she told me he threatened to slit her throat like OJ.

I handled it horribly. I was completely in love with her -- totally heartbroken, still am. I lost her, then my job when she reported me to management, I lost my self respect, lost my ability to function, had to sell my house and move to another state after months out of work, wasn't there when my Dad was dying, the memories there still rip my heart out every time I visit my Mom.

I was able to get on with life and other women, but I can't forget her. I used to see her everywhere even though I know it wasn't her.

It put me so far behind in my life - it broke me. Not an exaggeration to say it cost me millions. It's been almost 30 years. I'll bet she hasn't spent one second thinking about what happened to me. Brutal.

I miss what we had, I've never felt it since, but I know it was all a lie.

I would give 10 years of my life to cut her memory out of my brain if it was possible. The pain is still just so bad.

Long post alert!

I am 35F and I am talking about STA, 36M.

We met in college, late teens. I was 20, he was 21. He was a year ahead of me. Our love bloomed very poetically. We connected very deeply, very lovingly. We truly got each other. This was in a country with a very conservative culture, and we both lived with parents. We never got to sleep with each other, never had kissed, but trust me when I say this, we were more intimate than most people can be having slept naked beside each other. Our inner worlds and inner children would be unguarded with each other. A love so innocent and potent. We both had our personal blogs where we used to write. And we were readers to each other. He was a photographer and seeing him doing fantastic street photography used to make me feel so proud of him. I felt happy to be included in his world. If something good cooked at my home, I would save some for him to share with him the next day. If something made me sad or annoyed, just sitting beside him would calm my heart.

But we were young. First time dealing with a romantic relationship while trying to find who we are in this world. Sometimes I would feel neglected, or he would feel possessive. Did not yet have a complete idea about our needs and desires and had limited vocabulary to communicate that. There would be misunderstandings, but never disrespect. No matter what, we cared. We wanted the best for each other. But sometimes did not know how to deal with the responsibilities that came with love. But we dreamt of having a family one day, growing old together.

He had some issues going in his family. Serious issues. And he being the person that he is, he had to be there- for emotional support, to keep rowing the boat that amidst the storm. I could contribute too little, I could only be by his side to reassure how brave he is, how smart he is and most importantly, how wonderful of a person he is. Not sure if I could make him feel that always. I added to his stress sometimes, knowingly or unknowingly. But I still remember, the sound of his laughter made me happiest and seeing him sad would make my heart ache.

When he was about to finish college, his family decided to move to a different country as soon as he finished. It was a good call for his family to leave behind the ghosts of the horrible days. He had to make sure the family is supported in the new land. On the other side, my family was talking about having me married. In my culture, arranged marriage is a thing. 24/25 is a good age for a girl to be married. You can definitely get married to the person you love, but arranged marriage is still prevalent and marriage proposals are offered to the families. My family was given many such proposals and with time they were getting more interested in seriously looking into them. I told my mother about STA, and my mother wanted something official to be disucssed by families before he left. I knew that was not the time, he was still very young, and had a lot on his plate, and most importantly, his family wouldn't be ready. And when my mother said "What makes you so confident he'd remember you after he moves to a different country?", I think that made me fearful. To be honest, I wanted him to leave without baggage too. With everything he was having to deal with then, not having a girlfriend waiting back home for him to return would be one less worry. We ended things while still in love with each other. I told him my family is looking into proposals. He started preparing to leave and left. Before he left, he gave me a hand-written note, also one of his favorite short stories that he wrote when he was in high school.

STA was in grad school...he still wrote on his blog, and I would read them here and there. He missed me, thought of me very fondly. He would write about his new life too. Meanwhile, I was already engaged to a guy my family chose. He was a decent guy, and I did like him. But things did not work out. It was hard on me. I wrote to STA. Not asking for us to be together...but because he felt like home- where it is safe to share my struggles. He patiently heard me and that's all. We did not reconnect or anything. Now that I look back I wonder why I was hesitatnt to ask him to try again, or why he never brought that up? I think I felt guilt, perhaps it would be shameless and selfish to ask him now that I have had my heart broken? ...and he probably didn't ask because he had self-respect. I couldn't be brave enough to stand up to my family and he probably did not want to ask someone to choose him who did not confidently choose him unprompted.

Fast forward, my family found a suitable boy and I got married. It sucked. But I was trying to give my best in my marriage. One night in December, in the wedding of a college mate, I met STA unexpectedly. He was visiting during vacation. I walked into the venue and we saw each other from different corners. I stood still and STA waved at me. It was cinematic...felt like time slowed down and all the people and sounds around blurred out...there he was flesh and blood. It felt like there was something stuck on my chest that wanted to burst out in tears. I spent a total of 15 minutes in that wedding and left. My then husband was with me. I couldn't help sobbing on the drive back. My then-husband understood what was going on ( I had told him about STA prior) and he was not happy. I got to meet him during his visit, and it felt like he was doing great. And that made me happy. Our goodwill for each other never died.

I eventually moved to the same country for school, different part of the country though. Got divorced. STA and I would text here and there. Nothing romantic. He did not have any serious relationships after me. He dated people, would share about it too. We would catch up sometimes. He visited me once for a night, in 2018 and what I understood was that he had preferences in dating now. He casually mentioned that he likes fit slimmer petite girls (which I wasn't then) and I took it as a hint. On top of that, I did not want to act desperate and selfish. He was heartbroken and lonely when he left our home country and I was then engaged with another man then. I wasn't there for him when he probably needed me. I felt guilty to even ask him to give us a try now that I have had a failed marriage.

His family situation stabilized. I was always happy to know they are all doing great. We kept writing on our blogs all these years, and our blogs became repositories of our life events, recording the trajectory of our becoming. Sometimes he would be nostalgic about the love we lost. Sometimes I would be. But it never made us reconnect romantically. To be honest, I expected him to be married in these years. Or be in a serious committed relationship. I eventually started dating someone in 2019 and fell in love. I moved in with him. In fact, most of my friends lived around his city and one time (in 2021) while visiting friends with my boyfriend, I met STA at a friend's place. It was all chill and endearing. I always admired STA and always spoke highly of him and my friends are all very fond of him too. I got married to my boyfriend in 2022 and STA was then dating a lovely girl. In all this time, I changed homes, cities, countries- but certain things which carries the signature of my loved ones always traveled with me, because I never want to lose them and want to have with me till my death, among these things are the pair of gold earrings, the note, the short story, the pendant STA gave me. STA wanted his short story back some years ago though, and was surprised that I kept it so lovingly and safely for so many years. Anyways, in last couple of years, STA and I would exchange birthday texts or "hey I am buying a home" and "I'm happy for you" texts. We follow each other on social media. That's all. We know we'd be there for each other for our entire lives.

Anyways, I got divorced last year. My trust was betrayed and despite many repair attempts, we could not make it work. I am 35, divorced twice. I took my time to heal, and still healing. I am looking for new job and want to move cities. I want to love again and be loved again. I want to have a family. I want to have a companion. But lately, I have been thinking a lot about STA. I might not have been in love with him through and through, but I always loved him. He is one of my most favorite persons ever. But he never married. As far as I get from social media, he is single now. Or maybe not, I am not 100% sure. I don't think STA knows I am divorced (I am not very active on social media). A part of me wants to reach out to him and ask if he is single and will be interested to give us a shot. A part of me is scared, to be rejected. A part of me feels it would be extremely selfish and shameless to ask him now because when I could choose him, I crumbled under pressure. A part of me thinks it is selfish that I think of STA when relationships fail. A part of me thinks it is healthy that I think of STA when I am single, because otherwise, I wouldn't emotionally cheat on a partner by thinking of or connecting to a former boyfriend romantically while being in a committed relationship.

To be honest, I am glad in a way that we parted ways when we did back in college days. He became a person of his own, he explored relationships, he hung out with myriad of people in different capacities, he traveled and did not settle down because he had to. If we stayed together, he'd probably have to settle down way sooner and he wouldn't get to explore what he got to explore. I had my own journey too- traveled a lot, built a career, became independent, got to live happy and not-so-happy relationships, learnt about self. A part of me feels a special connection to STA and doesn't want to carry this regret that I did not take the risk to ask him while I could. A part of me says to leave him alone and just be there for him as a friend. I know we are not the people we were 15 years back. But I also know that we have a deep understanding of each others' core essence and a deep acceptance and appreciation for each other. Now we have a stronger sense of self to not lose ourselves in a relationship and free enough to not be tied down by the expectations of family. But I am also scared to take an attempt and eventually lose whatever goodwill we have between each other...not the most rational fear tbh, but still a fear. I think rejection would hurt me a lot.

I can just leave it and just focus on my plans and my life. Or, I can just casually and briefly let him know I am single and I would like to connect sometime. If he ever wants to he can reach out. Or I can be honest about my feelings, no hints/genstures/beating around the bush, be crisp and clear- that how he was always special to me and I would sincerely like to see it through with him, and I don't want to carry this regret that I did not let him know this clearly. After that, of course, it is his call.

Reader, what would you suggest? What would be healthy and respectful for both of us?