I am looking for advice because I told everyone I was a trans guy, now I dont think I am, and I feel guilty about feelings towards gender that I have currently.
Back in 2024, I discovered that gender identity is a lot more complex than "male", "female", "neither".
I researched as many genders as possible, jumped from label to label weekly. Blah blah, long journey, thats not my point.
After about 7 months, I settled on "genderfluid and transmasc", but when people asked my gender, I would say I'm a boy or a trans guy. I went by any pronouns other than she/her, came out to friends and my dad.
Well, friends told their parents. Mom heard my friends mom call me a boy, she was outraged. Feelings were screamed that night. We now pretend it didn't happen.
I fucked up my relationship with my mom, argued with people online for hours and hours, and was in therapy because I was so convinced I was a trans guy.
About a month ago, I started presenting as feminine online again. Changed my pronouns on everything to "she/they" or "she/he". Feminine avatars, clothing, etc.
I stopped seeing myself as having a gender. If anything, I'm librafeminine. I dont care what you call me by, I dont care how I'm seen. People typically call me she/her, so I say I go by she/her. I present myself as a girl, and am now insecure about things that once made me "euphoric" because they were manly, and if anything I'm euphoric about what used to make me dysphoric.
I'm still not cis. I know that. I'm too happy when people tell me they cant tell what I am.
However, here's the part I truly dont know how to deal with,
I very deep down wish I was a trans woman.
And I realized that after someone over voice chat told me I sound like "a boy but trying to be feminine".
Several people have told me I sound like a trans girl, umprompted, without knowing if I was afab or amab. That made me euphoric.
And I dont know what that means. I dont know what that should mean. I don't know what gender I am, and the situation with wanting to be a t-girl truly scares me.