r/deadpool

Reading Huck Finn and had the uncontrollable wish for Deadpool to teach the con men a lesson.

DEADPOOL: Okay, gentlemen, quick survey: did either of you not sell a human being today?
DUKE: Sir, you seem confused
DEADPOOL: Nope. I’m wearing red spandex. Confusion retired years ago.
DAUPHIN: What's spandex? We’re respectable businessmen
DEADPOOL: Oh my God, you said “businessmen.” That’s villain bingo.
DAUPHIN: Please, we didn’t hurt anyone.
DEADPOOL: You sold a man for forty dollars. I’ve tipped DoorDash drivers more than that.
DUKE: We can explain (Deadpool pistol-whips the Duke)
DUKE: AUGH (Dauphin runs. Deadpool throws a katana; it pins the Dauphin’s coat to a tree)
DAUPHIN: PLEASE PLEASE WE'RE SORRY
(Deadpool grabs the Duke’s hand and snaps it sideways).
DEADPOOL: I'M SORRY TOO! It's just my reflex! Scam hand. Early retirement package.
(Deadpool turns to the Dauphin and kicks his knee inward; it pops grotesquely)
DAUPHIN: AAAAAHHHH I CAN’T FEEL MY LEG! What are you going to do with us?
(Deadpool ties them to a tree. Fires gun shots in the air and hears the approach of townspeople).
DEADPOOL: (Sniffing the gun) Tonight, I’m taking the law into my own hands.
DUKE: Why would you tell us that?!
DEADPOOL: Here’s the deal. You’re gonna confess everything you've done. Slowly. With crying. I’ll be nearby if you forget details.
..........................
HUCK FINN: You some kind of fireman?
DEADPOOL: Wow. No. I’m a morally ambiguous freelance accountability consultant.
HUCK: You look like a tomato with swords.
DEADPOOL: Branding success.
HUCK: Is this how grown folks fix things?
DEADPOOL: Kid, grown folks mostly manage optics. I’m more of a special episode.
HUCK: You an angel?
DEADPOOL: HR says no.
HUCK: Devil?
DEADPOOL: I prefer “problem-shaped solution.”
HUCK: So what am I supposed to do?
DEADPOOL: You already did it. You didn’t sell your friend. You kept moving forward. That’s your whole job.
..........................
MARK TWAIN: Mr. Talkative Calamity in Pajamas, I observe you have replaced moral instruction with blunt trauma.
DEADPOOL: Hey! Mustache guy! Love your river content.
TWAIN: Sir, you conduct justice as though it were a barroom anecdote and say things best left unsaid.
DEADPOOL: That’s my Tinder bio.
TWAIN: In my book, the boy learns mercy.
DEADPOOL: In mine, the villains learn anatomy.
TWAIN: Harsh punishments for the guilty have an unfortunate habit of wandering off in search of the innocent.
DEADPOOL: Noted.
TWAIN: This does not change the culture that produces men like these. 
DEADPOOL: Probably not.
TWAIN: Most do-gooders like you pretend to be reshaping civilization. I respect that you are not pretending or lecturing people about improvement or progress. I still think the boy has the right of it.

DEADPOOL: Anyways, Jim’s free, Huck’s morally intact, villains are pre-marinated for prison. I’m out.

movie opens with deadpool hunting organized criminals and shows some dude on fire who is narrated to not be CGI but actually on fire. was that true? cant find anything on the internet so figured maybe i'd go for it.