r/agnostic

I was born into a Muslim family, but my upbringing was never strict or forceful when it came to belief. My parents were kind, thoughtful people, they never imposed religion on me or tried to control what I believed. The only religious practice I followed was going to the mosque on Eid mornings, more as a cultural tradition than anything else. I never properly learned namaz. Their attitude was always, “You’ll learn if you truly want to,” and they cared deeply about my studies, so religion was never pushed onto me.

From the very beginning of my life, I struggled with health issues. Severe asthma that brought me close to death multiple times, constant skin allergies, a weak digestive system, my childhood wasn’t easy physically. But I think that suffering shaped my mind in ways I didn’t realize at the time. I spent long periods lying in bed, unable to do much except think. And when a child spends that much time alone with their thoughts, questions naturally start to form.

As I grew older, around 13, my health slowly improved. But by then, a question had already taken root in my mind: Does God really exist? And if He does, why am I suffering like this? I hadn’t harmed anyone. I wasn’t a bad person. So why me?

Whenever I asked, I was told, “Allah will heal you. Just believe.” And I did believe. In fact, I became someone who actively defended my religion. I argued online, debated with friends, and even looked down on other beliefs. I avoided the uncomfortable questions and held tightly onto what I had been taught.

But something began to shift over time.

I can’t point to a single moment, it was gradual. A quiet feeling that something wasn’t right. Instead of pushing it away, I started exploring it. I began reading articles, watching debates, questioning everything I had once accepted without doubt. For the first time, I tried to look at things without bias.

Science played a huge role in this phase. I’ve always been deeply curious, but physics, in particular, fascinated me. There was something beautiful about how it explains the universe with such clarity and precision. Studying it didn’t just give me answers, it made me ask better questions. The way scientific reasoning relies on evidence, theories, and proof started making far more sense to me than faith ever had. Slowly, piece by piece, my beliefs began to change. By the time I was around 16, I found myself identifying as an atheist.

And honestly, it felt like clarity. Like I had finally cleared the fog in my mind.

But the journey didn’t end there.

After some time, new questions emerged. Am I absolutely sure there is no God? When I looked at the universe, the precision of physical laws, gravity, the complexity of nature, evolution, it all felt almost too… perfect. Even a tiny deviation in these constants, and nothing would exist as it does now.

That thought unsettled my certainty.

And that’s where I stand today.

I’m 18 now, and I don’t claim to have all the answers. I don’t know for sure whether God exists or not. It feels like both possibilities are open, and there isn’t enough solid proof to fully commit to either side. So I find myself somewhere in between , agnostic.

But more than anything, I’m proud of the journey.

Not because of where I ended up, but because I got here through my own thinking, through questioning, curiosity, and the willingness to challenge myself. I didn’t just inherit beliefs; I examined them, broke them down, and rebuilt my understanding from scratch.

Maybe I’ll face another phase of doubt in the future. Another fog to clear.

Or maybe I won’t.

But no matter what, I know this, I’ll always value the journey of seeking truth more than the comfort of easy answers.

I respect every religion and belief, and above all, I deeply value kindness.

My friends are very religious, the other day I said for the first time out loud I don’t believe in god (raised catholic and I currently go to a catholic school) and the way they looked at me pains me. Why do you look at me that way because I do not have the capability to believe in something that quite literally represses people? Mind you they are a completely different branch of Christian as well so we were not even preached the same things at church. One girl asked me how we are here than, like girl the Big Bang Idfk. My bsf didn't say anything but I could feel her discomfort. I’m so scared that this will lead to the end of so many friendships.

From my experience with many different encounters with religions, and pressure from family to yield to one, I developed a mixed feeling towards this topic.

From my perspective, I question the universe starts and ends. Like what if there will be a start point and the end point of the universe? Following the Big Crunch theory, Heat Death or Big Freeze are the publicly-accepted theories of an ending of a limited-unlimited bubble realm that we're confined within. It's a vast space, but maybe it's a prison and also a countdown for whichever exists inside of it and I make the question, if this existence is confined and on a clock, then whatever the rat-race today, or billion years later of our species, or whatever species there are, it's still a guaranteed end point.

If we use the opposite argument and say the universe is unlimited and there will be no end, which is very illogical to believe and unfathomable by our human mind.

Or we can simply say, we're just existing in a plane or realm or multi-verse, amongst an unlimited planes or realms or multi-verse or even spiritual realms where the existing planes are finite but we can migrate across with future technology and continue the existence of intelligent lives.

Or maybe think in a different way, our universe is a string theory, or a loop quantum gravity exists in a large entity, in which it's an infinite loop of things. We are a quantum realm of another realm and we have our own quantum realm and that quantum realm also has its own quantum realm. Or maybe we're living in a body of a god already.

Then after all those arguments that ran in my head, here is the choke point, our minds are trapped into looking for the origin of everything and finding an end point of stuff. Even though we have the Infinite symbol to represent the unfathomable, we still can't put an end to the questions of what, where, how are all of these come into the play? People answers Big Bang Theory, then it's gonna be the next question of what was there before Big Bang? Nothing. And our human minds continue to question it's impossible that there was nothing then there was something being created by nothing. And the vicious cycle continues, asking the questions of all, what was before X and the funny thing is this may be our infinite question as well.

Then here is my argument of god or gods, is that I believe in a god that created everything but also I don't believe such god exists because the vicious cycle of who created god(s) will continue. I think even if such god exists and created things, this entity never care about humanity, we may be just a coincidence, or something let free roam unmonitored and being created randomly just by clashing random atoms. We're less valuable than a quark to these entities' eyes even though we believe we're smart.

Yes here I am, whenever the topic arises in my head, it's always a tragic never-ending loop of questions where they lead to nowhere.