r/TalkingStage

Hi everyone. I apologize in advance for the length of this (TL;DR on the bottom) and if it sounds stupid. I never come on here. But I’d like some honest (and hopefully kind) thoughts on my situation.

I (F/28) decided to shoot my shot with a guy I met (M/31) from mutual friends. We both kind of decided to shoot our shot, tbh.
We’d been building a pretty solid, flirtatious, fun relationship as acquaintances for several months and truly have enjoyed each other. We DMd here and there and finally exchanged numbers over a month ago. We work in the same place but don’t have the same job, so there’s not TOO much in-person interaction, but enough to create some nice tension, yknow?

One day 2.5 weeks ago, we were texting and it started to get obviously flirty, like, in a way you can’t just gloss over and ignore. He finally addressed it, basically saying “what should we do with this thing between us?”
I said “Well, you’re gonna start by taking me out to dinner. That’s the first step.”

He asked if it was worth trying to see where it goes because of how great of a thing we already have going for us in our current dynamic. I said “you don’t think it is?” He just said “I just think this could be bigger than we may know and maybe we should handle the possibility of it carefully. Maybe a deep conversation to understand where we’re coming from better?”

I agreed. He asked me if I was in my head and what my thoughts were. Then we started talking about our histories with other partners. Our hurts. Our good qualities. Our red flags. The things that are currently holding us back from feeling like we’re good enough for a meaningful relationship.

We had a lot in common when it came to our recent circumstances and how they affected us. We came to really understand each other and grow a lot of affection and care and empathy for one another.

He’s in a messy situation. Has been sleeping with someone that he knows he won’t be with forever and has just been sex (she’s aware of this). He was very open and honest about how he got pulled into that and I’m not going to share that on here for her sake.

He wants a long term, exclusive relationship that ends in marriage and a family, and said it’s been made very clear that once he’s ready to give that a chance with someone, he’s shutting it down with her. He has very strong feelings against cheating (crazy that’s even a “green flag” these days) and wants to believe he’s still worthy of a lasting and meaningful relationship in this life. We met up and chatted more in person after work that day and just continued our deep convo. He picked me up, then paid for my dinner, then later made it clear that it wasn’t a date (I made a light comment about it being a date and he very quickly corrected me). I felt embarrassed. I just thought given the circumstances and how this whole thing started, that all the signs pointed to a date. Guess I misunderstood.

I want to be extra clear that he is not a dick in any way. He is a sweet, quirky, thoughtful, calm, collected, kind and caring man. He has been a fresh breath of air. Just more recently, confusing.

But ever since that night, he has texted me every day the past two weeks. Recently started calling me, almost nightly (4 nights in a row now). He’s a great communicator. Very open. Very honest. Very very caring and considerate and sweet. I have grown to like him very, very much. I enjoy his presence in my life and his kindness, reassurance, humor, and how he just includes me on his daily life (the little things and the big things) and that he wants to know everything in my world too. It’s meant a lot and he’s become very special to me. It’s hard not to fall, honestly, but maybe I’m just a hopeless and easy romantic.

I’ve truly felt that alllll of that means there’s interest there. He’s been a joy to get to know and I haven’t had to push for any effort. He’s been consistent. And when he doesn’t answer he always circles back and apologizes for a late response and shares what he was up to, even though I don’t over-text or even ask/push for response. I just wait and he does it all on his own.

I recently started trying to tie in some more sexual flirtation here and there a little bit more like we did before we got close like this. He seemed to push my attempts a bit with some humor and lightheartedness. I wasn’t sure if it was just a bad time in the convo and seemed unnatural, or if I actually made him uncomfortable or not. I figured he may pull back if it was the latter and not text or call much anymore.

Nope. The last few nights he’s continued FaceTiming. Telling me about his day. Asking about mine, getting into deep conversations about family history, mental health importance and health habits, etc. Trying to learn and understand me more. Helping me navigate different thoughts and situations without me asking for it just because he cares. We just exist together with such ease. He even fell asleep on FaceTime once while we were talking. I fell asleep on another night as well. Just safe and comfortable with each other.

He called me one night to show me a video he made about how I need to treat myself better and work on loving who I am, that I don’t need fixing and am amazing exactly as I am. He said “I was thinking of you and a conversation we had about the way you talk to yourself. So I made this.”
I could’ve just cried. That was the most thoughtful gesture.

Then tonight he called again. We were laughing so hard, just really enjoying each other. Then he asked me when the last time I slept with someone was. I told him November. He knows this, he just asked me to remind him again.
He knows I don’t fuck around. That’s just not me. I want that with someone who’s meaningful to me. I don’t want sex just to have sex or get a high just to release tension. No hate to people who do, I’m just not built for that. We already had that conversation before.

He asked me if I’ve tried putting myself out there or had any takers if so….
And I genuinely didn’t know what to say. All I could think of was “…the whole reason we’re talking is because I suggested you take me out and we see where this goes because we clearly have something here…” and “does he not know that I have feelings for him?” “Is he asking me this on purpose so he doesn’t have to reject me head-on? Is he trying to passively friend-zone me? Does he just not want to hurt me?” (It’s fun being a woman with ADHD. all these thoughts at once while I’m thinking of what to say).

But I’m (TMI) on my period and I know better than to open a door that I’ll be too emotional to function in. So I just brushed it off a bit and kindly asked that we change the subject. He seemed kind of amused at first??? I guess thinking I was just being a dramatic girly. I calmly stayed grounded and once again said “can we please talk about something else?”

He said, kind of surprised, “Why don’t you want to talk about it?! Come on, where can you find the kind of nice guy that you’re looking for? Where have you tried?”

I asked again. I began to think maybe he’s truly oblivious and I’ve read this wrong the entire time.
He then said “Either you don’t know, or you have a reason but you just don’t want to say it…”

I shrugged it off and just laughed about something else and segued the conversation elsewhere. But I’ve been spiraling ever since.

Am I wrong for thinking the last couple of weeks has been talking-stage behavior? For thinking he must think of me as much as I think of him? And hoping he’ll ask me out soon or share what he’s feeling if anything??

If I’ve read it all wrong and he’s just trying to be a caring friend then 1. I must be very bad at the whole dating thing. And 2. I’m just devastated.

We both came out of some pretty hard and heartbreaking situations recently. He knows my heart and what I’ve just been through and how it about broke me. It’s NOT his responsibility to feel the weight of that!!! But it is a very big deal that I haven’t shut down and closed myself off for years like I’ve done before. The fact I’ve even looked in his direction and have let myself let him get this close…. It’s a miracle honestly. I don’t mean to sound dramatic. But my last relationship ended in a way that I just couldn’t function anymore. It broke me so badly.

When he came along, I couldn’t believe I was willing to put myself out there to risk the potential of him.
Now I feel like I need to prepare to just quietly let him be the guy friend who cares about me but not anything more, while I stuff my very real feelings down so it’s not ruined. He’s been so kind. Truly. If I’ve seen this wrong it’s my fault and I need to just get my head on straight.

I’m questioning everything.
If someone could either make sense of all of this or kindly talk sense into me, I would very much appreciate it.

Sincerely,
A girl who really can’t keep doing this without clarity anymore.

TL;DR: A guy I’ve been talking to for a couple of weeks but have known for almost 6 months, has been texting and calling almost every day and really making efforts to get to know me. We want the same things. He’s been consistent and caring and so sweet. I’ve definitely developed feelings the more we’ve talked. He recently asked me if I’ve had any luck looking for a guy and I just didn’t know what to say or do. I’m starting to think I’ve misunderstood the premise of our relationship completely and that he just sees me as a close friend. I’m looking for any helpful objective, kind thoughts to help give me some perspective and insight!!