r/TCK

Hello everyone,

I would love some advice on a complicated situation.

I am an American (28F) living in Paris. I have been in a relationship with my French partner (27F) for nearly 6 years. We met when I was studying abroad in Paris right before the pandemic hit. I stayed in France and finished my studies via Zoom (the campus had closed during covid).

Before the pandemic and before getting into a relationship I had been planning to get a Master’s in London after my studies. My partner and I at the time were both young and naive, we decided to both forego our masters to do 2 years of internships together and hopefully start a business together afterwards. This choice entailed a very brief internship in Morocco followed by an 8 month internship in Amsterdam. TLDR our great plan didn’t work out as well as expected. After a year and 2 months my partner decided she would get a job in France. We moved to the Alps and then the South of France for two positions for her over the course of 2.5 years. I didn’t work during that time due to lack of opportunity in those locations/visa difficulties. This led to a lot of shame and suffering on my end.

We ended up moving back to Paris nearly 2 years ago because we both a ) wanted to live in Paris again and b) both had professional opportunities. I have been working as an assistant in a furniture gallery. I haven’t been thrilled about my job (very low pay except if I make a big sale, average of one client every two weeks, not much intellectual stimulation). Despite these drawbacks, the experience has led to my desire to strike out on my own in the industry, ideally working as an interior designer as well. I have learned a lot but don’t feel legitimate enough to start a studio off the bat, despite the fact that a lot of interior designers don’t have formal training.

While I was perusing a designer’s work a couple weeks ago I came across a university in London that has a program that I believe could bring a lot of weight and legitimacy to my potential business. I didn’t think too much of it and wrote it off as a pipe dream.

Yesterday my partner told me she saw a job offer in London for the company she used to work for. She told me she wanted to apply. She asked if Id be interested in moving there , I said yes.

Today I spoke to her about the master’s program in London. She told me that after reflection she doesn’t want to move to London and leave her friends and family. At first she criticised my desire, asking if I didn’t think it was ridiculous to get a master’s degree at nearly 30 and that it’s sad I don’t have enough self confidence to start a business on my own. She asked why I can’t do a masters here, to which I replied I prefer not to when French isn’t my first language. She then told me that she would never mpve to London with me unless I had a job and could support myself (rather than being supported by my parents), also telling me that if I were to do a masters here we would move into different apartments because she doesn’t want my half of the apartment to be paid by my parents.

This evening she told me she was unsure if things would work between us because I clearly want to live elsewhere and she didn’t want to move.

She’s now saying it’s ok if I go but I’m saddened by the whole situation and feel guilty about my desire to perhaps go for a masters. Any advice would be appreciated.

my accent always feels like im just mirroring whoever is around me and its making me conscious and like an imposter, anyone else get that? i accidentally do too much sometimes and i cant help it.

I have lived in 4 countries (Kazakhstan, US, UK, Philippines) and I have lived first 11 years in Kazakhstan and then I moved abroad. Now I live in the US for 1.5 years now.

Lately I feel so awful about my identity because I can’t connect to people in my own country (Kazakhstan) because I don’t understand some references and I am starting to forget the language but also I can’t connect with Americans as they are culturally different from me. It seems like I can’t connect with anyone. I am told that I am too foreign for my country and too foreign in US. I feel like I belong no where. It frustrates me so much that I am thinking maybe I should settle down somewhere after 9 years of nomadic lifestyle which I do like but also led to this.

Pls help. Should I delve deeper into my culture or try to find belonging in the US? What should I do? I know I should embrace my unique identity but I just want to feel at home somewhere.

Hi, I’ve resettled in my second country (moved here at 13, left at 22 to go back to home culture, came back later after experiencing reverse culture shock) and am grappling with where home is. Recently my lovely boyfriend from this culture invited me to move in with him and I’ve realised part of my reticence is that I’m afraid to be swallowed up whole by one culture.. choose one part of me over the rest. So I’ve written a poem, maybe it’ll resonate with some of you TCKs - to my fellow internationals with many homes!

Choosing one…

One culture, one friend group, one city - one partner -

The feeling that if I choose one, I lose the other parts of me.

That the only way to stay intact is to be alone

One means I’m folding-tunnelling-putting on the blinkers

One means I’m a fragment

I need the One I choose to look me in the eyes and say -

You, all of you - I see you as a whole.

One who looks at the collage that is me and sees stained glass, not a broken screen

One who says you’re this, and this, and this - you don’t need to choose

One who says, you’ll always be this and this and this to me.

Choosing one shouldn’t have to be a sacrifice

I can be a unique collage of stained glass

And some people when they hold you, they hold you together.